Thursday, December 10, 2009

I soooo want one of these!

Check out MckMama's Giveaway blog for your chance to win one of these AWESOME computers! lol I know I'm hoping I win!

DROOL ... You can also win one from Kelly's Korner!

Andy's laptop is on the fritz, it would be so awesome to win one of these!

AND BooMama is giving one away too, ahh I want this soo bad! lol

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Anxiety, yet again ...

Ugh I'm so, so tired of having anxiety. If Landan were here I wouldn't have this problem. But I know it's not his fault & I'm not blaming God either. I just know though that if Landan were here & hadn't died I wouldn't have to deal with his! Life was perfect then. It's just shy of perfect now. The only thing that keeps life from being perfect is Landan not being here.

My stomach is turning & I feel nauseous. My heart is telling me it's anxiety, but my head is fucking me me & telling me it must be something more complex. I've been trying hard today to push through it all but I'm human. I get weak & can't do it. I basically "cater" to my anxiety because I give in to it! I allow myself to get caught up in it & I don't know how to change that! I hope that one day I'm able to get a hand on my anxiety & not get so caught up in it. I feel the simplest thing that someone without anxiety would brush of and I get caught up in it & it spirals out of control. It's so stupid! And I realize that. But I don't know how to not give in to the feeling. Since like 10-11mos after Landan died, I've been terrified of death. Before that time I welcomed it in a way because I wanted to be with Landan. Now I realize that I'm not ready to die. Which comforts me in a way & I'll explain why. At my support groups, alot of the other parents share how their children said something like "I know I'm not going to live a long life." or other things of that nature. So I try to tell myself that because I'm so afraid of death that maybe it's not my time! I've been to a few psychics since Landan has died. And they've mentioned things in the future & how I will have more children. So I feel like I still have life to live. So why am I so afraid that I'm going to die all the time?

God give me the strength to overcome this! I beg you! Show me that their is something beyond this world so I'm not so afraid! I'm tired of anxiety ruling my life half the time. Turn down the intensity on my anxiety, something! Please Lord, come wrap your arms around me & allow me to feel the comfort of your presence.

Friday, September 11, 2009

School's Started

... a few weeks ago, or more. I know. I was just sitting here realizing how much it sucks that I couldn't experience preschool, kindergarten, 1st grade ... and so on & so forth. Breaks my heart. I see pictures from all these little ones & their first day of school & I imagine how it would have felt if it were me. How excited I would have been, and how excited he would have been as well. I feel so cheated out of so many things. Things I've already missed out on with Landan, and things I will continue to miss out on for the rest of my life. Blah, I'm just sad.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Don't ever not feel good please!

Copy & pasting this from my JustMommies forum

*DH=Dear husband

Well I just got up from the total of 4hrs that I slept. Layne has a double ear infection, we went to the ER this morning.

Late last night Layne got kinda crabby about 3amish DH went to put Layne back to bed & after an hour of DH shushing Layne & trying to comfort him, I got him up and held him on my lap, he felt hot & finally fell asleep on my chest. I was telling DH that I thought he had a fever & was starting to worry about Layne but we born assumed that it was most likely from him crying for an hour. I started to get emotional & cried, I hate that I have to worry everytime my child get's sick because I have guilt that I didn't worry enough when Landan got sick. So at 5am we finally get in bed, I couldn't sleep at all, I laid their & tried to sleep, got out of bed a few times, etc. I was just having anxiety over Layne & was so worried about him. At 7:30am Layne started crying again so DH got out of bed to shush him back to sleep. He was still getting upset so DH got up with him & went out to the living room. DH came to get me only a few mins later saying "Somethings not right" Said that when he got Layne out of his swing he shivered & seemed like he was in pain when someone touched him. Layne was also grunting & squinting his eyes. So I asked if he wanted me to call my mom to get her opinion on what we should do. My mom said to take him to the emergency room, we thought it might be pneuomonia or RSV. So we took him in, after we got checked in & were in the waiting room Layne squinted his eyes & whimpered like 4-5times in a row. I was starting to feel panicky. Then the nurse comes to get us & we're walking to the room that we're going to be in. As we walked up to the room a wave of panic & emotions came over me. It was the exact same room I was in with Landan when we rode with the ambulance & went to that same hospital when he was sick. I was shaking & DH was calming me down. I felt like we were going to find out something horrible after being in that room again, like impending doom was coming. The Dr came in just a few mins later, she was a very sweet lady. We mentioned everything that had been going on, answered some of her other questions & told her why we were so nervous about everything. I started to tell her about Landan & DH took over. He started crying telling her about Landan & that when we were in the NICU we felt that noone cared about our previous loss & why we were so scared about Layne being in the NICU because we'd already lost a child. Again, she was so very nice & sensitive about our situation. She did an examination on him & turns out he has a double ear infection. I kept asking, "So his lungs & heart are fine?" Even though she'd checked them & said they sound perfect. I guess I just felt like it had to be something else, something more serious. Especially since we were in the room in the ER that they told us "he's a very sick little boy" in & you know how that story goes ...

So he's on amoxocillin & tylenol. We left the hospital & went to see my mom (she works at Rite Aid in the pharmacy) to get his perscription. DH called work & let them know what was going on, they understood why we were concerned & why we had taken him to the ER so they called in someone to cover his shift. After we got home & before I laid down to take a nap DH hugged me & started bawling. (He'd kill me if he know I was posting this.) But I know he has guilt for not being here when I had to call 911 & do all that by myself with Landan. But he was at work, so that's not his fault. And he said to me "I love you guys so much. I just feel like, in situations like these that Landan was with him telling him everythings going to be ok" (Tears)

I know it doesn't sound like a big deal. But this is the first time we've ever had deal with anything medical & our child acting weird. But I'm thankful that it's nothing major. Thanks for reading.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Finally - An update

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted on my blog. Wow.

Nothing big has been going on, we enjoyed Father's Day at my in-laws house this year. They recently moved into a new house that has an apartment over a detached garage. So we now have our own little space when we come to visit. It was awesome! Here are pictures from our Father's Day 2009 weekend.

Andy being a dork - wearing the Father's Day shirt
I made for him.

Our apartment at his moms house.
Living room
Living room
Layne's first time swimming
Playing in the crib at my in-laws while Mama & Dada pack to go home.

We also planted flowers, got a flower basket & new angel for the cemetery. A good friend of mine, Kerin had been donating to Landan's memorial fund for months, along with a donation from another good friend, Jess. Here are a few pictures below. The first is of my mom, stepdad & grandpa weeding before we planted the flowers.
This is currently what the set-up looks like at the cemtery.

Layne also enjoyed his 1st Fourth of July at Ft. Meigs in Perrysburg. Every year on the 3rd, the Fort puts on a huge fireworkds display. Layne was such a good boy (as always). Here are some pictures below of that.

Layne playing in his stoller with his toys while we're waiting for the fireworks.

Layne watching the fireworks with his "Bebe" which is Landan's nickname but also stands for "Brother Bear" for Layne. This bear is from Build-A-Bear that we made after Layne was born. it has Landan's voice playing in it, singing "Take My Breathe Away"

And last but not least - Layne making his little mad/stinker face lol He loves making this face & making this face with Mama & Dada.
Playing on the floor with "Bebe"

Update soon

Had this open with full intentions on updating my blog. Grrr. Then time flew by. Look for an update tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

3 Cases of Bacterial Meningitis in Ohio

"A spokesperson with the county's health department stressed, this latest case involving the 11-month old baby, was unrelated to two other cases, involving two mothers who had just given birth."

My heart goes out to Susan's family, what a tragic story to have happen. Obviously all Meningitis related deaths have a special place in my heart because that's what Landan died from. Please pray for Susan's family & her newborn baby as well as the two patients still fighting Meningitis.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

"I guess heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you ..."

Heaven Was Needing A Hero - Jo De Messina

I've been absent from this blog for awhile. I was having a hard time with anxiety recently & just didn't feel like doing anything. I never do when I'm having anxiety, I dwell too much & can't seem to focus on anything else. I did, however, use that time to make a new memorial video for Landan. I came across a really beautiful song by Jo Dee Messina, and HAD to make a video for Landan with it. Check it out below.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there! I hope you all had a wonderful day with your families!

I'd like to share a poem that a friend wrote & shared with me. Enjoy!

Dear mama, I wrote this just for you
But let everyone else know that I love and miss them too
Mother's Day is coming and I want it to be special
Don't worry, I'll be watching every second from the threshold
I may seem like an eternity away, but know this is true
That althrough you may not see me, I am always there with you
I think about you every day, and pray for you every night
Every morning I rise the sun to turn your dark to light
I love to look down and reflect on memories
I'm always listening mama, so you can always talk to me
Although you cannot hear me, I tell you everyday
How much I love and miss you, but my voice is too far away
Mother's Day is my favorite day, because although I am gone
I tell all of my angel friends, I have the worlds best mom
Layne loves you very much because he told me so
We'll both always be your babies, I just wanted you to know
I sent you a special gift because I'm far away
I couldn't wrap it though, but you'll get it on this mother's day
I sent you gifts only you'll know of, and they mean very much
Along with my love I sent you my soft gentle touch
I know that you will feel it, just search within your heart
And all day long remember, that we aren't far apart
I'll be close with you especially, I will fill your day with joy
I'm proud to tell all of heaven that i'm your little boy
The magic you've felt in life is endless, and do not be alarmed
Cause while others dream of angels, you held one in your arms
Have a happy mother's day and smile just for me
When I look down at you, that's all I want to see
I love you mama very much, so on Sunday enjoy
Take care, love Landan, a.k.a. your little boy <3

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Wednesday's Walk - First time

This is my first time participating in "Wednesday's Walk" on the Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground blog.

This blog will be about my sweet angel, Landan.

He was such a charismatic boy, his mere presence would light up a room! He was loved by so many & is now loved by many - across the world! It's quite touching to our family!

But today I want to remember his "photography skills" It was always a pleasant surprise to find these "self photography" images for Landan on my camera. Now it's even more of a treasure. He left me with sweetest pictures. The images that follow, aren't just self portraits of Landan, but things about him I don't want to forget.

I remember countless nights watching Landan sleep, thanking God for giving me this precious little boy that I love with all my heart. Asking God to please never take him from me & to let me go before him. I looked upon him in amazement that this handsome little boy is MY son!

I miss watching him sleep.
Landan LOVED video games! And man-o-man was he great at them! We were always amazing by how smart he was! He'd watch someone do something, and you could almost see the gears turning in his head figuring things out. His favorite video game was "Mario Sunshine" for the GameCube. In the beginning he'd call me in the bedroom to do certain things for him. But soon got to a point where he didn't need his Mama to help him. He was better than me at that game! lol He'd just go right in the bedroom, turn on the GameCube & get his game started!

I miss watching him play.

Self portrait of Landan below, how precious. He's such a goofy little guy.

I miss finding his self portraits when I upload camera pictures.

Another photo, courtesy of Landan. It's of his sweet little foot. Man I loved to munch on those sweet little feet.

I miss everything from the tootsies on your feet, to a single straind of hair on your beautiful little head.
I miss your crazy blonde hair! It grew so quickly & you still had the sweet little curls at the ends of your locks.

I miss running my fingers through your blonde hair.

"And I'll help you find the way To get rid of all your pain Little by little, day by day"

Heaven (Little by Little) - There of a Deadman
(Can be heard by scrolling down to my music player)

Anxiety - Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components.[1] These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, fear, or worry.

Under "Symptoms" - One of the most common symptoms of anxiety is fear, which includes the fear of dying. "You may...fear that the chest pains [a physical symptom of anxiety] are a deadly heart attack or that the shooting pains in your head [another physical symptom of anxiety] are the result of a tumor or aneurysm. You feel an intense fear when you think of dying, or you may think of it more often than normal, or can’t get it out of your mind." [6]

Wow, did they write that last sentence specifically about me? Feels like it to me! But I'm sure everyone that has anxiety is relieved by the fact that they aren't the only ones experiencing these debilitating issues! Let's talk about some of my irrational thoughts recently.

I'm so afraid to die since the death of my sweet Landan.

Swine Flu - I lost sleep over this. My husband, God love him, I know gets so sick of hearing me talk about dying. Or some horrible disease I must have because of this, this & this. Anyways, back to Swine Flu (or H1N1 respectfully) I was so deathly afraid that we were going to get this, I spent alot of mornings searching articles about the recent happenings, looked at my hospital discharge papers from when Layne was born trying to determine if the flu vaccine I got had a name. That was when I was trying to research if last years flu vaccine was effective against the Swine flu (it is not.) I was forever making sure my husband & I were using hand sanitizer coming in & out of our apartment building, etc. Since the outbreak numbers have started to taper, my anxiety has lowered about it. BUT, now I worry about NEXT flu season because they're talking about how it could flare up worse next time! Thankfully, I also read that they are not seeing the components in this flu strain that cause the deadly outbreak in 1918.

2012 - You might be wondering what in the world that is? I really don't even want to talk about it because it still bothers me. But apparently, the world is going to end 12/27/2012! I was clicking around the internet one night. Saw a blog where this nut (he really was, I think he was putting on an act to be honest) about the world ending on the date previously mentioned. So I clicked on another link from his blog, well that was a movie trailer for the movie "2012" coming out this Novemeber. The writer of this movie also wrote & directed "The Day After Tomorrow" & "Indepencence Day". Which are two other "Doomsday" type movies. So from THAT site, I clicked on another link & all hell broke loose! My anxiety spiraled out of control over this "2012 Doomsday" business! I literally had to search google for articles against this claim & even went to the NASA website to find information on this! NASA has a section where people can ask questions, the 2012 question has been asked a few times recently. The person, I think he was some type of astronomer (don't quote me) let everyone know this wasn't true. It eased my fears some. I even chatted with my mom online one night about it. See, I believe in the Bible, and it tells us their that we do not know when God will come back, we are to be ready everyday for Him to come. I found comfort in that, but then asked my mom "what if I'm not a good enough Catholic to have Him take me when He comes back" (because at this point I'm still concerned about Him not coming before the world ends.)

I'm sorry if I'm going in circles, this is really just for me to express my inner feelings & struggles with anxiety. I'm so tired of being worried about dying all the time. If I'm tired before bedtime - I'm worried, if I have some sort of pain - I'm worried, if I have a headache or stomach ache - I'm worried. It sucks! I wish I could take meds, but I'm so paranoid about side effects. It's sad & pathetic! I have confidence that some day, my anxiety will be so tiny that I might not even notice it! Like the sentence that the beginning (the one in bold) I think of dying like once a day, too much! I'm not morbid, just scared!

If you have any words you think might help comfort me, please feel free to share them in a comment! Or if you want to vent about your own anxiety - Feel free! If your going to tell me you believe in 2012, PLEASE REFRAIN! lol

Saturday, May 2, 2009

"Im a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, Im wanted dead or alive"

So an awesome friend my my PR, Kim had a contest to win one of her super cute creations! They're called "Drool Bandanas" Really, can you think of a cuter way to catch the drool from your sweet babys mouth? Here is Layne modeling his! Check our her Etsy! She has them for girls too!

What's that? I think I hear your baby saying that they want to be like the cool kids & have a drool bandana too!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Here comes the last time I'm gonna kiss you, The first night sleeping alone, Here comes the hardest thing, We've ever known

Lyrics by Butch Walker "Here Comes The ..." Ft. Pink

Going to try something different. Makes me step out of the box a little. I'm going to try to use lyrics as my post topics. Yesterday I used a poem, might use those every now-and-then.

I actually sat awhile deciding what I should post about. I'm still not 100% sure where I'm going with this post, I'm sure all will come together in the end though. We'll see how things pan out.

If you don't already know who Kayleigh Ann Freeman is, you should visit her blog. She was born 3mos early at 1lb 1oz, 10.5in long. She's had many trials during her short life & has proved that miracles DO happen many times. Recently she's suffered an undetected lack of oxygen to her brain or a brain bleed that has left her "brain dead." My heart breaks for her family, who was so excited to be taking her home. That goal was getting closer & closer. Now, sadly, they will be taking her home soon to spend their last day's with her.

Kayleighs mom Aimee spoke in the blog tonight. Many of the things she spoke about I could relate too 100%, after having lost a child myself. She spoke about being in shock after finding out Kayleigh was brain dead, buying funeral clothes & the unfairness of her siblings not getting to meet the most amazing person in her life.

All things, as I've said, I can relate to.

I remember the shock after the PICU Dr. told us Landan was gone. I couldn't even process what he was saying, I heard him. But I stood in bewilderment at the words that came from his lips. He must be lying, this couldn't be happening to MY Landan. Nope, noway! I remember shopping for funeral clothes with my mom & best friend. And I've often told my husband & others how unfair it was to any future child we have that they'll never know Landan like we did. All things I can't change, though I've wished that I could.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes."

I got a beautiful email from a friend just a few days, hope you don't mind D. She always picks me up with her emails, and I'm sure I've told her that before. Recently she'd told me that she often thinks of Landan & that knowing about him makes her happy. She said other beautiful words as she always does, but I wanted to blog about a sentence she said in the email. I just feel like it's something I should talk about. Get my feelings out.

"I will say It is definitly not fair that he was taken from you, His mama, way to soon. I don't know if I could ever forgive that and in the same breath I couldn't be more grateful to have had him for what ever time and purpose I was given."

Who knew that someone who hasn't lost a child could be so "on page" with my own thoughts? Sometimes I wish their were a book on how to grieve the "right" way. Then maybe it would be easier. I still have anger about Landan's passing. I just can't wrap my head around the why's & what if's.

Why Landan? Why me? Why our family?
What if I would have taken him to the hospital the night before?
What if we didn't go here, or there?

Anyways, back to the email quote. I still am working on forgiving God for Landan's passing, not that he's really to blame I guess. I don't have anyone to blame except the disease. My mom says she's glad that we have no one to blame, that it would eat away at us. I guess I can see where she's coming from. But I also wish I had someone I could hate for taking Landan away. But I think I'd be tortured by those visions if someone did something awful to him. Not that I'm not already anxiety stricken by the visions of the end anyways. Sometimes I'll be laying in bed & I'll be thinking about the time Landan was at the hospital ... Then I get this adrenaline rush & an anxious feeling because I just can't believe this happened. I never thought I'd be in this place I am now. I used to visit memorial pages for other children who passed away too soon. I remember sheading tears of saddness for these children & their families. Now people are doing that for our loss. Nope, never in a million years did I think Landan wouldn't outlive me. I know you've heard it before, but children are supposed to outlive their parents! We're not supposed to bury our children! So I'm still working on things & living after this loss. I miss Landan so much though, I do anything for him to be here with us! I think God forgives me for being angry with him.

I feel so, so blessed to have been the mama of an angel sent to earth. Landan is & was perfect. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world. He's touched so many lives it's amazing, and I always hear atleast once a week about another life he's touched. It fills my heart with joy. Truely.

I've also been blessed with another son! So I guess I'm not being punished or not worthy as I may have thought immediately after Landan's death. Now the hole in my heart isn't as big. I have someone to share my love with again. I can't even describe the feeling I get cuddling Layne. Sometimes I don't want to let go, or I can't pry my lips away from kissing on him. I'm so thankful for my boys (hubby included) I love them all!

I love being the pink in my house of blue.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Pictures from World Meningitis Day

Today was World Meningitis Day, as you would know if you've been following along with my blog, lol. So we went to Wal*Mart & got one of the disposable helium tanks so we could release some balloons. The black balloons you see say "Meningitis-Angels" on them. A dear friend, Sherry sent them to me. Last year I was unable to attend the Meningitis-Angels Conference in Houston, TX because I was 8mos pregnant with Layne. So Sherry sent me a "conference-in-a-box"! It was amazing, she wanted me to feel like I was their, and boy did she hit the nail on the head! She sent me these left over ballons & wanted me to release them on Landan's special days. Sadly, Sherry has since passed away. I was telling my husband as I grabbed some balloons to take

"I feel sad about seeing these balloons. I never thought that she wouldn't be able to see these pictures when I sent the balloons up."

I was then reminded though, Sherry WILL see these balloons! I know she was watching over us today, sitting next to my Landan on a cloud. Today I celebrated Landan & Sherry's life & fight against Meningitis at our balloon release. One black balloon was for Landan, one was for Sherry & the last for the other fighters who fought so hard against Meningitis.

Here are some pictures of Landan's little brother, Layne, whom will always know what a hero his big brother is.

"Today we celebrated the fight you fought Landan. Your so amazing to everyone that knows you, and a little hero in so many eyes. I miss you terribly & would do anything to wrap my arms tightly around you. I yuv you bebe!"

Nana releasing Landan's balloons

World Annual Meningitis Awarenes Day

First Annual
World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Today is the very 1st Annual World Meningitis Day! On this day, we remember the lives lost & dramatically affected by meningitis. We should also use this day to spead some awareness to others!

Things you can do:
Take 10mins to share our story with atleast one person.
Visit a few websites dedica
ted to Meningitis Awareness.
Light a candle at 7pm (your time) in memory of the lives lost to Meningitis so that a wave of light goes around the world.

Our plans for today include a balloon release to remember Landan & the others who lost their life to Meningitis, participate in the 'around the world' candle lighting & spreading awareness by sharing our story with one new person.

A few friends have taken time to spread some awareness through their blogs! Marisa & Kerin (myspace blog) Thank you ladies so much!

I'll post our pictures later from the balloon release!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Meningitis Awareness Week Days 4 & 5

First Annual
World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Meningitis Week - Days 4 & 5
Life after Meningitis

Many Earth Bound Angels will not only suffer the loss of limbs, major organ damage including, brain, kidney, skin, but also blindness, deafness, have to give up attending school, quit college or receive less of an education, feel alienation form society and they often experience some or all of these life changes. The damage of meningitis is life long.

One of the most common complications is deafness, which affects around one in ten people, and can either be temporary or permanent. Blindness is also a possible complication

During the illness, septicemia (blood poisoning) can occur, and in extreme cases can result in a diminished blood supply to the feet, toes, hands and fingers. This may result in the need for skins grafts or even amputation.

Common health & behavior problems after having Meningitis includes: general tiredness, giddiness, bouts of aggression, recurring headaches/severe migraines, balance problems, mood swings, difficulty in concentration, violent temper tantrums, deafness, short-term memory lapses, tinnitus (ringing in ears), joint soreness/stiffness, clumsiness, eyesight difficulty/ blindness, epilepsy, amputation of limbs, depression, brain damage, paralysis, skin grafts, kidney problems, development of nero muscular diseases, digestive problems, & stunt bone growth.

Can Meningitis attack you more than once?

Above information above © Meningitis-Angels Organization

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Meningitis Awareness Week Day 3

First Annual
World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Meningitis Week - Day 3
Meningococcal Disease - Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime

Below you'll see a PSA from The National Meningitis Association

Anyone: It cares not how old you are. You could be one month, three years, twenty-five years, or sixty years old.
Heaven Bound Angel Stories
Earth Bound Angel Stories

Anywhere: Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter. It likes no specific season.
See just how frequently this is happening!

Anytime: Morning, noon or night. Who knows when it will unleash it's wrath.
Jessica's Story (Video, grab your tissues)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Meningitis Awareness Week Day 2

First Annual
World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Meningitis Week - Day 2
Meningococcal Disease - What does it look like?

One of the "tell-tale" signs of Meningococcal Disease is the rash that appears on the body. The troubling thing is, once the rash get's to that point, the disease has already rapidly progressed & infection is in the bloodstream. The disease progresses even quicker from here on out. That is called "Septicemia". This rash will not blanch, which means if you look at the rash under a glass cup the rash will not disappear from the pressure you apply.


Here are pictures of what the Meningococcal rash looks like. These are different stages of progression. This is exactly the type of rash Landan had.

*Note - These are not actual pictures of Landan. I'm using these pictures as a visual*

This is how Landan looked when I woke to find him laying on the floor at the end of my bed. When I was on the phone with my mom & then called 911, I told them it looked like he had bruises all over his body.

The pictures that follow are what the rash looked like when we saw Landan an hour after we got to the hospital. They'd rapidly progressed into this darker color & started covering his limbs instead of being spaced out like the first picture.

In this picture you can see that the infection is mostly in the limbs, you might be wondering why? It's because our bodies push the infection out to the limbs in attempt to protect our "core" organs from failing. Which makes alot of sense, it's pretty crazy to realize how smart our bodies are! We can live without our limbs, but can obviously not without our important organs. But this picture depicts VERY well how Landan looked in the end. My poor sweet little man. It makes me so sad to know what his body endured.

An excerpt from Landan's Story
At 9am I woke up to find Landan laying on the floor next to my bed covered in, what looked to me, like bruises. I sat up straight in bed and frantically tried to focus my eyes because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought he was dead, I was so afraid to touch him. I thought he was going to be cold. Once my eyes focused I saw he was breathing, touched him and felt that he was still warm. I ran to the kitchen where my cell phone was plugged in, I yelled Landan's name while I was running to the kitchen so he would stay conscious. I called my mom and then 911. When the paramedics arrived they checked his vitals but they knew he was sick so took him out to the ambulance. I remember sitting in the ambulance and asked the driver when we were going to leave, it felt like we sat their forever. We took him to the best hospital in the area, Toledo Children's Hospital. The last thing Landan said to me while we were in the ER before they took him up to the PICU was "Mama hold me" but I couldn't because they needed to get him up to the PICU as soon as they could. I think I said "It's ok bebe." We followed him up, and I remember my mom asking the doctor on the way up if he was going to be ok, and he said something like "... he's a very sick little boy ..." We waited in the waiting room down the hall from the PICU for about an hour. Before the doctor came down they sent a Chaplin in to talk to us, my mom knew then that he was really sick. The PICU doctor came in shortly and told us Landan had bacterial meningitis and it was a 90% mortality rate."

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Gearing up - Make yourself aware!

First Annual
World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009

The very first World Meningitis Day! I'm very happy to see this day & to see Meningitis being recognized around the world! Starting tomorrow (the 20th) I'm going to post some information about Meningitis, & it's different forms each day until the 25th, along with a link to an informative website about Meningitis. I hope you'll join me & learn something about Meningitis that you may not know.

As always, let us remember sweet Landan during this time & the amazing fight he fought against Meningococcal Meningitis!

Friday, April 10, 2009

First foods & messy faces

We started Layne on solid foods recently. Do this point he's had green beans, sweet potatoes & is on peas right now! I think we're going to give him squash or carrots next.

Here are some pictures of Layne enjoying his sweet potatoes

Or maybe not lol!
Here is our messy face picture from the next day at dinner. He was putting his
hands up in his mouth & getting it all over the place. I figured "Oh well" I'll just clean him
up afterwards & figured that this could be a really cute picture! lol He was being really excited in this picture, as if you couldn't tell! lol
Maybe he'll like the peas!

Hmm, I'm not sure about these mommy! lol
In all seriousness though, he has enjoyed the foods. The first bites may have been a little rough but he's a good eater. He gets his tongue in the way sometimes & pushes his food out, but we're making progress! I think cereal mixed with apple juice is his absolute favorite though! He scarfs that down!

And here's a bonus picture. Daddy took this of Layne while mommy was still sleeping. My sweet, sleepy little boy!

Well, I'm off to play Call of Duty! Don't know what I'm talking about? Check here!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


This is a picture of Layne with two stuffed animals that were to be given to Landan on Christmas Day 2006. I never really thought about how bittersweet this picture is until right now. Landan wanted these two stuffed animals SO bad! He would look through the Toys R Us Big Toy guide and pick out the toys he wanted. If he was showing me he'd say "Want that Mama!" And said the same thing to my mom. We told him he'd have to ask Ho-ho.

The weekend before Landan passed away my mom went with me to get some of Landan's Christmas presents. He was at his dads so it was a good opportunity. We got Landan the Dora & Diego stuffed characters he wanted so badly & a big table top train set. Sadly, Landan never received those presents. God it breaks my heart so badly. Instead of seeing his excited face on Christmas morning, these things were displayed at the funeral home. Some family set up & displayed his train. Eventually we plan to donate his train set to the hospital he passed away at. In 2006 we got a plaque to screw on to the train set that says "In Memory of Landan Harris" with his dates & the URL to his Memory-Of website.


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