Saturday, January 24, 2009

When you've been ...

thought a loss, ever other little event can seem so scary & tramatic!

All the time I worry about losing someone else that is important to me. My brain & eyes play tricks on me as well. It's no way to live that's for sure.

Last night Andy was eating pizza & I asked him a question while he was chewing. He started choaking on his food. He walked into the kitchen where I was & was gagging like he was going to throw up. He was then leaning over the sink gasping for air, I instinctively pounded my fist on his back because I thought he was choking ... his face had started to turn purple. He could breath out, but couldn't breath in. He finally got himself calmed down & was able to breath. Ugh it was scary. I always think ahead in a situation ... I pictured myself having to attempt the heimlich maneuver on him & then calling 911. But he had a better outlook on it than I did afterwards lol I told him that at one point his face had started to turn purple and he says "You should have videotaped that" ... NOT funny Andy! (lol)

Another time I was sitting here in my living room, on the couch about 5ft from Layne sleeping in his swing. My eyes must have played tricks on me because I looked over at him & he looked so peaceful ... TOO peaceful if you get where I'm going. My heart started to race & I slowly went over to the swing. I stood their kind of paralyzed wondering if this was really happening. I finally felt some reliefe after I heard him breathing.

I'm not psycho ... just damaged. I think I have PTSD to be honest.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Time is my enemy

How is it that time has the ability to fly by so quickly, yet some events feel like the happened yesterday? I feel like it's been forever since I've held Landan in my arms, yet it seems like it was just yesterday that he passed away. I hate that. Once November 16th passes us by this year, Landan will have been gone longer than he was alive. It doesn't make sense. It feels like the time I spent with him was an eternity ... but the time without him has flown by.

I've probably said this a million times, but I still have acceptance issues with Landan's death. I don't know, maybe "acceptance" isn't the right word. I've accepted that he's gone ... but I still can't believe it. I can't believe that this is my life, a life as a bereaved mother who's always missing her precious first born son. I don't even think I could describe the pain even if I tried. It always broke my heart to read about the death of a child. I'd shed tears of sadness for the child's parents. Now people do that because of us. Wow ... Unbelievable. I can't believe that I've gone through such a tramatic event at such a young age.

I miss you bebe - More than anything I've ever missed before. Anytime, before you died, when I thought life was bad ... WHAT A JOKE! This is bad, now I can say with 100% truth that - Life is not fair! I realize that one day I'll have answers as to why you had to die. But I don't even think I'll have to ask when I get to Heaven, I think I'll just suddenly know the answers. I would give anything to see you interacting with your brother, Layne. I'm sure that you've already played with him - but I've been cheated out of seeing that. I show Layne your pictires, talk about how beautiful you are. Layne even has a Build-A-Bear with your beautiful singing voice on it. Mama has one of those too! I can't wait for Layne to pick up your pictures & know who you are, I can't wait to see finger prints on the glass of your curio because Layne want's to look at his big brothers things. We'll never forget you - I'd never, ever want to! How could anyone forget about their soul mate?


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