I haven't not written much poetry at all in so many years! But recently something came up where a friend needed a new poem. So I went to work & this is what I got. Hope you enjoy it. Love you Bebe!
On Saturday, August 17th we celebrated Landan's 10th Birthday. How insane to know he would be ten years old. The last time I saw, held & kiss my first born son was when he was three years old. Wow. Time flies.
It's almost been seven years since he's been gone. I remember during the first year or two after he died I would listen to the ladies at support group who were further down the road. It was hard because I didn't want to be so many years away from the last time I saw my sweet boy. Here I am, almost seven years down the road. Walking in a pair of shoes I didn't ask for & certainly don't want to be in. I don't want to be the mom who lost a child. But I know that no one does, it's not just me. It wouldn't take me long to compile a list of moms that want their children back too.
I remember after Landan died I was so worried that people would forget about him. I could never have foreseen all the people around the world who've let Landan into their hearts. It's beyond touching & I'm still in awe when someone tells me a story about how Landan has touched & transformed their life. Landan is making a difference in this world, even from Heaven.
That being said I can not hide my feelings about this year's participation. The participation in his balloon release consisted of my family only. It's tough to bear when the first two years had such a huge turnout & since has dwindled to what it was this year ... only family. It makes me feel like people are forgetting about Landan or they think, well it has been almost seven years so it's not as important anymore. But it is important. It's important to me, it's important to my family. It didn't go unnoticed the people that didn't even wish Landan a Happy Birthday whom I expected would. It just broke my heart a little. I feel like it would be a disservice to future events for me hide & not express my feelings. And it would be a lie. Maybe people don't realize how big of a deal it is to me which is fine, I wouldn't expect them to. They're not in my shoes. So here I am, yelling it to you! Two days out of the year I thought I could expect participation or a simple "Hey I'm thinking of Landan." I guess I just didn't expect the turnout to dissipate so quickly.
I feel like the ease to write this isn't flowing naturally like it usually does. I can't find the right words to vent my frustrations & sadness. I wish I didn't have to. I wish my son hadn't died & I wish people still participated like they did in the beginning. I'm not trying to come off as ungrateful. I'm more than grateful for those who participated, for those who release balloon's, for those who lit a candle, for those to left kind words & for those who made a graphic.
If I could choose a word for how I felt at the end of the day it would be defeated. I felt defeated. I felt like I hadn't done a good enough job letting the world know how important the support for Landan is to me even almost seven years later. As I reread those last few lines a poem I'd seen a few years ago came to mind & felt so appropriate to share.
My Mommy
When I left this world it was hard on everyone,
especially my mommy.
The days move on for you,
but not for my mommy.
You may not think of me as much,
but my mommy does.
When your tears stop flowing for me,
my mommy's won't.
When your broken heart heals,
my mommy's won't.
My mommy will never forget me,
so please don't you.
Here is the video I made this year for Landan's birthday. I haven't made one for many years & Landan turning 10yrs old felt like such a big deal to me that I really wanted to make a video.
As a bereaved mother there have been countless times I've reached out to a another mother. Sometimes I've done it of my own free will and other times someone as asked me to reach out to someone. More times than not my extended arms go untouched. But sometimes I have been able to create lasting bonds with other mothers who understand the loss of a child.
I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt my feelings that attempts to connect are not reciprocated. Especially when it's been multiple times. Even when my grief was fresh I responded to every single message sent to me. Even if I just copy & pasted the same response to everyone or I simply thanked them for thinking of me. It was important to me that I do that, I wanted the person to know that their little thought of my & my angel meant something to me. I'm not by any means trying to say the people who've not responded back to me do not care about my message. Maybe they're not in a place where they feel able to chat about their loss or may be too scared to dive into speaking with another child loss mom. I'm sure we can all remember how fresh & raw our grief was in the very beginning. It doesn't take much reflection to be able to feel those emotion's again, no matter how much time has passed.
While I was writing the paragraph above I thought I would visit the I Am A Mother To An Angel Facebook page my friend created. I wanted to find a graphic I could include in this post. It's funny sometimes how things work out because this is the graphic that awaited me at the top of the page when I arrived ...
How appropriate is that quote for this topic? I won't lie, it kinda blew my mind a little. Princess Diana's words ring true & I believe it's something we should all remember. Don't do things only to expect something in return. Even though many times I get no response to the messages I send doesn't mean it didn't mean something to the mom on the other end. She may not have the strength to muster a response but maybe just for the few minutes she spent reading my message, she got a little comfort in knowing she's not alone on this road.
Extend the olive branch my friends & do so without expecting to gain something from it. You've gained something my opening your heart to another person who might need to turn to you down the road.
I realized recently my posts were sounding a little sad. But I promise they aren't and won't always be like that!
Focusing on some happier times ... Andy has two days off, works on Friday, then his vacation starts! Yes! I'm so looking forward to having my hubby home for 9 straight days & I don't have to send him off to work. Sadly, it's his last week of vacation until Jan 2011 but I'm sure the time will fly by as it usually does. Between now & then we'll have Layne's birthday party, Halloween, Layne's birthday, Landan's angelversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years. Thinking ahead much?
Since I didn't post about Landan's birthday I thought it would be a good time to do that! Thankfully the day was WONDERFUL! I really thought the You Tube comment from the night before was going to break me. I couldn't fall asleep & was up until the wee hours of the morning (which isn't that unusual, I was just up later than usual) but it didn't. I had two of my amazing friends in from New York to spend over a week with us & it was great to have the company during Landan's birthday.
I'll let the pictures tell the rest of the story ...
Getting balloons ready for the cemetery
My friends Tina & Jess
My friend Christina writing a message to Landan
So much love for a special little boy
My sister Lexie & Layne
My sister Lakin, Layne & my mom (Landan's Nana)
Here they come bebe!
Catch them!
Flying off to Heaven
Tina, Jess & myself
Jess & I
Jess & I
Tina & I
Tina & I being silly
Wish lantern flying off to Landan
Andy & I releasing a lantern
Tina & Lexie releasing a lantern
Lantern flying off to Heaven
Beautiful gift sent by my friend Kerin for Landan's birthday
For some reason this quote popped into my head when I was thinking about how much I love my kids.
"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
If anyone has never heard that quote before, are you living under a rock? Just kidding of course! Got to add some light humor in case the remainder of the blog gets too heavy. We'll see I guess.
I can't count how many times a day I just sit and watch Layne do cute things. And I am just in awe. In awe of the baby boy that I love so much & hate to see grow up. So many times when I'm watching him, tears well up in my eyes. I'm so thankful to have Layne but miss Landan so much.
Every night before I pray I talk to Landan. Telling him how much I love & miss him and wish he were here with us. I can only daydream about times where our family is complete. Sometimes I let my thoughts get away from me & start thinking of the bad things, like the time in the hospital with Landan or just his death in general. I have to stop myself from getting worked up. I know I've mentioned in the blog previously but I will literally have to yell "STOP" over & over in my head as long as I need to until my mind switches to something else to focus on. Preferably a happier moment of our time with Landan.
I remember the pure hell in the days that followed Landan's death. Everyone went directly to my moms house. It all feels like such a blur, I just couldn't feel anything. No emotion at first, just shock. Andy & I went to the apartment that night to gather our things & some of Landan's things for the funeral. Before I went anywhere in the apartment I went straight to the computer so I could tell my close friends about Landan's death. I knew if I didn't do that first, I might not be able to after things hit me at the apartment. I know Andy tried to be supportive, but I was numb & didn't want his affection. I didn't want to be touched. I cried alone as I laid on Landan's bed. Then I went into our bedroom and cried on my bed holding Landan's pillow that his sweet little head slept just a few nights prior. I even laid on the floor, where I found his sickly body in hopes that I might get sick & die to. Honestly, I felt like Juliet laying their begging for something to be leftover to help my body follow Landan into death.
We went back to my moms and I hung around awhile making arrangements for Landan's funeral with family friends that were their to help us. Then I went upstairs to sleep for a few hours. I'd only slept maybe an hour in the past 24+ hours. It felt so lonely when I woke up because everyone was gone, it was dark & still raining. The next day family arrived & everyone was staying at my moms house. Even in a house, full of people I still felt so alone. I didn't sleep well at all. Two queen sized air mattresses were on the floor in my moms living room, I slept alone on one of them & Andy slept next to me on the couch. I woke him up frequently throughout the night to go outside & cry without waking anyone else. I vented my fresh anger at God & my disbelief that this was really happening to us, that Landan was gone.
I don't remember anything anyone said to me at the funeral home visitation or what I said to them. I just remember the faces of some of the people that came to give us their condolences and pay respect to Landan. It was a full house, which isn't unheard of when the death is that of a young child. It breaks so many hearts and is so, unnatural.
So back to the quote
"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
It's so true. Plain and simple. Except I'd like to add some words to put a new perspective on it.
"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living and wherever you are, my baby you'll be"
... a few weeks ago, or more. I know. I was just sitting here realizing how much it sucks that I couldn't experience preschool, kindergarten, 1st grade ... and so on & so forth. Breaks my heart. I see pictures from all these little ones & their first day of school & I imagine how it would have felt if it were me. How excited I would have been, and how excited he would have been as well. I feel so cheated out of so many things. Things I've already missed out on with Landan, and things I will continue to miss out on for the rest of my life. Blah, I'm just sad.
I've been absent from this blog for awhile. I was having a hard time with anxiety recently & just didn't feel like doing anything. I never do when I'm having anxiety, I dwell too much & can't seem to focus on anything else. I did, however, use that time to make a new memorial video for Landan. I came across a really beautiful song by Jo Dee Messina, and HAD to make a video for Landan with it. Check it out below.
He was such a charismatic boy, his mere presence would light up a room! He was loved by so many & is now loved by many - across the world! It's quite touching to our family!
But today I want to remember his "photography skills" It was always a pleasant surprise to find these "self photography" images for Landan on my camera. Now it's even more of a treasure. He left me with sweetest pictures. The images that follow, aren't just self portraits of Landan, but things about him I don't want to forget.
I remember countless nights watching Landan sleep, thanking God for giving me this precious little boy that I love with all my heart. Asking God to please never take him from me & to let me go before him. I looked upon him in amazement that this handsome little boy is MY son!
I miss watching him sleep. Landan LOVED video games! And man-o-man was he great at them! We were always amazing by how smart he was! He'd watch someone do something, and you could almost see the gears turning in his head figuring things out. His favorite video game was "Mario Sunshine" for the GameCube. In the beginning he'd call me in the bedroom to do certain things for him. But soon got to a point where he didn't need his Mama to help him. He was better than me at that game! lol He'd just go right in the bedroom, turn on the GameCube & get his game started!
I miss watching him play. Self portrait of Landan below, how precious. He's such a goofy little guy.
I miss finding his self portraits when I upload camera pictures. Another photo, courtesy of Landan. It's of his sweet little foot. Man I loved to munch on those sweet little feet.
I miss everything from the tootsies on your feet, to a single straind of hair on your beautiful little head. I miss your crazy blonde hair! It grew so quickly & you still had the sweet little curls at the ends of your locks.
I miss running my fingers through your blonde hair.
Today was World Meningitis Day, as you would know if you've been following along with my blog, lol. So we went to Wal*Mart & got one of the disposable helium tanks so we could release some balloons. The black balloons you see say "Meningitis-Angels" on them. A dear friend, Sherry sent them to me. Last year I was unable to attend the Meningitis-Angels Conference in Houston, TX because I was 8mos pregnant with Layne. So Sherry sent me a "conference-in-a-box"! It was amazing, she wanted me to feel like I was their, and boy did she hit the nail on the head! She sent me these left over ballons & wanted me to release them on Landan's special days. Sadly, Sherry has since passed away. I was telling my husband as I grabbed some balloons to take
"I feel sad about seeing these balloons. I never thought that she wouldn't be able to see these pictures when I sent the balloons up."
I was then reminded though, Sherry WILL see these balloons! I know she was watching over us today, sitting next to my Landan on a cloud. Today I celebrated Landan & Sherry's life & fight against Meningitis at our balloon release. One black balloon was for Landan, one was for Sherry & the last for the other fighters who fought so hard against Meningitis.
Here are some pictures of Landan's little brother, Layne, whom will always know what a hero his big brother is.
"Today we celebrated the fight you fought Landan. Your so amazing to everyone that knows you, and a little hero in so many eyes. I miss you terribly & would do anything to wrap my arms tightly around you. I yuv you bebe!"
