Friday, April 30, 2010

I Will Carry You

Tonight while checking out MckMama's blog, I was reminded of Angie Smith's blog & the loss of her precious little angel Audrey. Of course I had to go straight to YouTube & watch Audrey's memorial video again & listen to the song. Audrey's dad is in a group called Selah & a special song, "I Will Carry You" was written for sweet little Audrey. It's a heartbreaking video to watch, but coupled with an amazingly beautiful song. Although Landan didn't pass away as a baby, I can still relate to the beauty of the song on so many levels.

Lyrics -
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

"And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me to carry you"
Before I'd ever heard this song I thought "I'm so thankful that God & Landan choose me to be his mama." I can't even describe how blessed I feel. I was trusted enough to keep an angel on earth for 3yrs. Landan choose me to spend his 3 short years on earth with, what a blessing & honor. God knows how much I miss Landan. The void is unimaginable, and only felt by those who've lost a child. It is not something that can ever be filled. The only thing that will make me whole again is when I'm called home to Heaven to be with God & Landan. Sometimes the 3yrs since his death feels so long and other times it feels like it was only a few days ago. I can't believe all the events & milestones I will go through without Landan here. Like when he should be going to 1st grade, Jr High, High School Graduation, College, Marriage, being a daddy ... The list goes on & on. I'll admit it, it makes me sad to see pictures of my friends kids doing the things Landan should be doing. It isn't fair that he's not here. If I could wish him back I'd do it in a heartbeat. No hesitation ... I just want him back.

I was watching the video of Landan singing "Take My Breathe Away" a few days ago with Layne. It reminded me all over again how much I miss my sweet precious little boy. Not like I ever forget or miss him any less. But to just see him so happy, singing, bopping around. It just broke my heart all over again. I just can't believe he's gone & never coming back. I think I said that a few days ago in a blog. But I just can't believe it, or maybe I just don't want to accept it. I mean really, who does?

Monday, April 26, 2010


This is going to be on the short side today.

Heaven. No one will know what it truely looks like until you get there, and no one has come back to tell us exactly what it looks like. Yet in movies like "What Dreams May Come" & more recently, "The Lovely Bones" you get images of Heaven that seems so realistic. I find my self sitting in awe at the possibility of how beautiful it might be. And even then, I'm sure it's much more beautiful than anyone here can possibly imagine! I'd be a liar if I said I don't worry, in my weaker moments, if Heaven exists or not. Before Landan died & before I developed anxiety I didn't worry about if Heaven existed. Now I do sometimes. Mostly because of my own fears of death & worrying that I'll never see Landan again. But at the same time, it comforts me in times of anxiety believing that Heaven does exist & Landan is waiting there for me.

I recommend both of those movies to check out!

7 days down, 83 to go

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Balloon Release for World Meningitis Day

Today was the day, how did you celebrate?

We had a graveside balloon release. It was a rainy day, but thankfully we were able to launch the balloons in between showers! It was just a small, personal thing. But then again, it always is. It was just me, Andy, Layne, my mom, my sister & her boyfriend.
Without further wait, here are the pictures from today!

Sorry, I normally like to try to edit my pictures for perfection but wasn't able to do that tonight.

6 days down, 84 to go

Saturday, April 24, 2010

World Meningitis Day

Second Annual
World Meningitis Day
April 24th 2010

Please refer back to last years posts for more information on Meningitis
Post 1 - Types of Meningitis
Post 2 - Meningococcal Disease - What does it look like?
Post 3 - Meningococcal Disease - Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime.
Post 4 - Life After Meningitis
1st Annual World Meningitis Day - What can you do?
Pictures from last year

What can you do today?

Parent 2 Parent on Meningitis & Vaccines recommends:
  • Releasing balloons
  • Lighting a candle
  • Planting flowers
(Click here for more details)

You can also help spread the word about Meningitis by becoming a fan of Landan on Facebook & sharing his page with your family & friends.
(The link is in the left sidebar)

5 days down, 85 to go

Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm talkin' bout blah, blah, blah.

Not much to report tonight, but I can't disappoint my meager 36 readers. I'm kidding, I love you all!

Today was pretty boring, we were home all day. I love our apartment but I really can't just get out & go for a walk. The street our apartment is connected to is a busy street with no sidewalks to walk on. LAME, I know! We can go outside and play but that's also kinda scary because since we don't have our own space I'm afraid Layne will take off like a bat outta hell & get ran over or something! Life of a paranoid mom ... Yes, I get it. -Sigh- Oh well, I know this summer we plan on taking him to the park that Landan used to love playing at. The cemetery Landan is buried in is actually right across the street. After Landan died, we met one of the Deacon's of our church at the cemetery so he could show us were Landan's plot would be. We realized how much of a gift it was that he would be buried their. Not only did the church donate Landan's plot to our family but the cemetery is sandwiched between railroad tracks & his favorite playground is across the street. Perfect! It's funny how things happen just when you need them too, ya know? Like at the end of Landan's funeral, as the colorful balloons we released danced around in the sky, looking like M&M's a train traveled by, blaring it's horn. It wasn't distracting from the moment like some would think. It was more like one of those peaceful "Ahh" moments. Those that knew Landan best, knew it was a sign from him. There have been many times where I'm feeling down at the cemetery, crying even, and I'll hear that train whistle and just smile. It's Landan.

I can't wait until Layne is older and wants to talk more about his brother Landan and know all sorts of things about him. I just wish I didn't have to explain things to him that way, I wish Landan was here with us. Obviously.

4 days down, 86 to go

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Love You Forever

For some reason this quote popped into my head when I was thinking about how much I love my kids.
"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
If anyone has never heard that quote before, are you living under a rock? Just kidding of course! Got to add some light humor in case the remainder of the blog gets too heavy. We'll see I guess.

I can't count how many times a day I just sit and watch Layne do cute things. And I am just in awe. In awe of the baby boy that I love so much & hate to see grow up. So many times when I'm watching him, tears well up in my eyes. I'm so thankful to have Layne but miss Landan so much.

Every night before I pray I talk to Landan. Telling him how much I love & miss him and wish he were here with us. I can only daydream about times where our family is complete. Sometimes I let my thoughts get away from me & start thinking of the bad things, like the time in the hospital with Landan or just his death in general. I have to stop myself from getting worked up. I know I've mentioned in the blog previously but I will literally have to yell "STOP" over & over in my head as long as I need to until my mind switches to something else to focus on. Preferably a happier moment of our time with Landan.

I remember the pure hell in the days that followed Landan's death. Everyone went directly to my moms house. It all feels like such a blur, I just couldn't feel anything. No emotion at first, just shock. Andy & I went to the apartment that night to gather our things & some of Landan's things for the funeral. Before I went anywhere in the apartment I went straight to the computer so I could tell my close friends about Landan's death. I knew if I didn't do that first, I might not be able to after things hit me at the apartment. I know Andy tried to be supportive, but I was numb & didn't want his affection. I didn't want to be touched. I cried alone as I laid on Landan's bed. Then I went into our bedroom and cried on my bed holding Landan's pillow that his sweet little head slept just a few nights prior. I even laid on the floor, where I found his sickly body in hopes that I might get sick & die to. Honestly, I felt like Juliet laying their begging for something to be leftover to help my body follow Landan into death.

We went back to my moms and I hung around awhile making arrangements for Landan's funeral with family friends that were their to help us. Then I went upstairs to sleep for a few hours. I'd only slept maybe an hour in the past 24+ hours. It felt so lonely when I woke up because everyone was gone, it was dark & still raining. The next day family arrived & everyone was staying at my moms house. Even in a house, full of people I still felt so alone. I didn't sleep well at all. Two queen sized air mattresses were on the floor in my moms living room, I slept alone on one of them & Andy slept next to me on the couch. I woke him up frequently throughout the night to go outside & cry without waking anyone else. I vented my fresh anger at God & my disbelief that this was really happening to us, that Landan was gone.

I don't remember anything anyone said to me at the funeral home visitation or what I said to them. I just remember the faces of some of the people that came to give us their condolences and pay respect to Landan. It was a full house, which isn't unheard of when the death is that of a young child. It breaks so many hearts and is so, unnatural.

So back to the quote
"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

It's so true. Plain and simple. Except I'd like to add some words to put a new perspective on it.

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living and wherever you are, my baby you'll be"

3 days down, 87 to go.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

So it's Tuesday ... Again

Andy woke me up about 30mins before it was time for him to go to work. He was going to put gas in my car & put the car seat in my car so Layne & I could go to my moms today while he was at work. I always check my phone when I get up & noticed I had a text message from my mom today. She was letting me know that they were on the way to the hospital, one of my younger sisters was being admitted. She has a cyst on her tailbone & it may have perforated her bowel. Great! My sister stopped at our apartment last week after school & mentioned that she thought she'd bruised her tailbone because it hurt. So she's at the hospital right now, the surgeon came in & they have her on IV antibiotics right now & will do an ultrasound on it tomorrow. Grrr I don't know why they aren't doing it today. Seems like a big deal to me but maybe that's because I'm an overprotective sister! When I talked to my mom she asked how I was, because she knows of my obvious anxiety issues. I told her I felt like I was going to vomit! lol She laughed & so did I. Thankfully my stomach doesn't really hurt anymore & I've been eating. I'm such a worry wart since about a year after Landan died.

Anyways, who knows what the plans are for today. I think Layne & I will be going up to the hospital later, or I'll wait until 9pm when Andy is home to go up to the hospital by myself. If you could, please keep my sister in your thoughts & prayers.

2 days down, 88 to go.

The past few days

Andy has had the past two days off of work. So we've been lucky to have lots & lots of Daddy time!

On Saturday we went to hang out at my moms for a little while. I had one of my younger sisters cut my hair again & trim my bangs while Andy & Layne hung out downstairs. My mom was leaving to go to the grocery store so I talked her into taking Layne so I could go home & straighten my hair! lol Not like it was hard to talk her into. Andy & I headed home for an hour or so & hung around the apartment. We went back to my moms to pick Layne up, he'd napped almost the entire time they were shopping! My mom needed to head out to another grocery store & didn't want to go by herself so Layne & I went with her while Andy went to Walmart. He needed to get some new headphones because we can't seem to find his old ones anywhere! So he met up with my mom & I at Meijer & we finished shopping.

Sunday we dropped Layne off with Nana for a little while so Andy could run with me up to JoAnn Fabrics. I wanted to get some 4th of July fabric that was on sale. I just ordered a pair of American flag BabyLegs from Twinkle Baby Boutique and I want to make Layne a cute onesie to go with them. It will be his 4th of July outfit. After we left Andy & I went to find a used bookstore Andy wanted to check out but it was closed. So we ended up stopping in a comic book store. Andy said he felt like a kid again because he hadn't been inside a comic store in years! Afterwards we headed back to my moms & ended up hanging out for a while longer before we left to go home.

Today we ran around town doing some errands. We needed to stop at Walmart so we could pick Layne up his first potty chair. Yay! We'll see how that goes, so wish us luck! Then made a stop over at Hobby Lobby so I could pick up a few t-shirts. I plan on making shirts for a friend of mine. I've been telling her I wanted to make them forever now! So now I need to actually learn how to thread my sewing machine & get to work. I've had the sewing machine since March! It was my birthday present from Andy & the boys. I can't wait to use it because, to be honest, I'm kind of intimidated! I've never had my own sewing machine before. Andy keeps joking about how he thinks I don't even know how to sew & he won't believe it until he see's it! lol Hopefully he's pleasantly surprised. Then we decided to check out TJ Maxx because neither of us have ever been shopping in one before. I ended up snagging a super cute outfit for Layne & pair of jammies. On our way home Andy was hinting about eating at Chilies because he's never eaten at one before. So that's where we ended up. It was yummy & Layne loved his grilled cheese! Andy & I ended up each getting a alcoholic drink. Mine was yummy, his was WAY too strong! He didn't even like it & drank more of mine than his! lol I also managed to knock over the remaining 1/3rd of mine & I wasn't even tipsy! lol Go figure! Oh well.

Overall we've had a fun few days. We rented Brothers & District 9, both great movies & I liked them both! Andy has to go into work tomorrow afternoon, boo! But soon enough he'll be on vacation! I can't wait & I'm sure he's even more excited for it! lol

On a bad note ... We keep finding spiders in our room, I don't know how they're getting in. Tonight, the spiders set an all new record. Five ... Yes, count them ... F-I-V-E! UGH! I hate spiders, they terrify me! lol If we'd have found them before midnight I might be writing this blog from my moms living room. I'm totally not kidding! Just ask my mom & Andy lol When I was pregnant I found a spider in the bedroom, it was GIANT! The biggest we've ever had in the apartment & Andy was at work. I took a picture of the spider, I mean I obviously needed proof that this giant beast was in our bedroom! I couldn't kill it for two reasons. One - I was terrified. There was no way I'd even be able to come within FEET of that thing. Two - It was on our bed skirt and I was worried that I'd miss it and it would charge at me. Or maybe get away & come back with it's spider army. Scary stuff! lol So I did what any normal, pregnant, spider loathing woman would do ... I grabbed my pillow, closed the bedroom door, shoved a towel at the base of the door & got the hell outta their! lol Andy is just about as scared of spiders as I am but managed to kill it when he got off work. Can you believe that beast was in like the SAME spot many hours later when he got off work! Thank God it was though or I wouldn't have been able to sleep in the bedroom that night! Seriously ... I don't mess around with spiders! I remember once when Layne was sleeping in his swing I had to move the swing to the living room because a spider was in our room & Andy had just left for work lol Yuck!

Anyways, I rambled on long enough!

1 Day down, 89 to go.

Monday, April 19, 2010

90 Day Blogging Challenge

So sometimes I suck at blogging. I'll get in blogging moods & blog for weeks ... Then I slack & don't blog for months. So I'm implementing a challenge to myself ... 90 full days of blogging! Stay tuned to see how it goes! The first blog of my challenge will be up tonight.

Good luck to me & happy reading to you!


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