Wednesday, May 27, 2009

3 Cases of Bacterial Meningitis in Ohio

"A spokesperson with the county's health department stressed, this latest case involving the 11-month old baby, was unrelated to two other cases, involving two mothers who had just given birth."

My heart goes out to Susan's family, what a tragic story to have happen. Obviously all Meningitis related deaths have a special place in my heart because that's what Landan died from. Please pray for Susan's family & her newborn baby as well as the two patients still fighting Meningitis.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

"I guess heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you ..."

Heaven Was Needing A Hero - Jo De Messina

I've been absent from this blog for awhile. I was having a hard time with anxiety recently & just didn't feel like doing anything. I never do when I'm having anxiety, I dwell too much & can't seem to focus on anything else. I did, however, use that time to make a new memorial video for Landan. I came across a really beautiful song by Jo Dee Messina, and HAD to make a video for Landan with it. Check it out below.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there! I hope you all had a wonderful day with your families!

I'd like to share a poem that a friend wrote & shared with me. Enjoy!

Dear mama, I wrote this just for you
But let everyone else know that I love and miss them too
Mother's Day is coming and I want it to be special
Don't worry, I'll be watching every second from the threshold
I may seem like an eternity away, but know this is true
That althrough you may not see me, I am always there with you
I think about you every day, and pray for you every night
Every morning I rise the sun to turn your dark to light
I love to look down and reflect on memories
I'm always listening mama, so you can always talk to me
Although you cannot hear me, I tell you everyday
How much I love and miss you, but my voice is too far away
Mother's Day is my favorite day, because although I am gone
I tell all of my angel friends, I have the worlds best mom
Layne loves you very much because he told me so
We'll both always be your babies, I just wanted you to know
I sent you a special gift because I'm far away
I couldn't wrap it though, but you'll get it on this mother's day
I sent you gifts only you'll know of, and they mean very much
Along with my love I sent you my soft gentle touch
I know that you will feel it, just search within your heart
And all day long remember, that we aren't far apart
I'll be close with you especially, I will fill your day with joy
I'm proud to tell all of heaven that i'm your little boy
The magic you've felt in life is endless, and do not be alarmed
Cause while others dream of angels, you held one in your arms
Have a happy mother's day and smile just for me
When I look down at you, that's all I want to see
I love you mama very much, so on Sunday enjoy
Take care, love Landan, a.k.a. your little boy <3

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Wednesday's Walk - First time

This is my first time participating in "Wednesday's Walk" on the Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground blog.

This blog will be about my sweet angel, Landan.

He was such a charismatic boy, his mere presence would light up a room! He was loved by so many & is now loved by many - across the world! It's quite touching to our family!

But today I want to remember his "photography skills" It was always a pleasant surprise to find these "self photography" images for Landan on my camera. Now it's even more of a treasure. He left me with sweetest pictures. The images that follow, aren't just self portraits of Landan, but things about him I don't want to forget.

I remember countless nights watching Landan sleep, thanking God for giving me this precious little boy that I love with all my heart. Asking God to please never take him from me & to let me go before him. I looked upon him in amazement that this handsome little boy is MY son!

I miss watching him sleep.
Landan LOVED video games! And man-o-man was he great at them! We were always amazing by how smart he was! He'd watch someone do something, and you could almost see the gears turning in his head figuring things out. His favorite video game was "Mario Sunshine" for the GameCube. In the beginning he'd call me in the bedroom to do certain things for him. But soon got to a point where he didn't need his Mama to help him. He was better than me at that game! lol He'd just go right in the bedroom, turn on the GameCube & get his game started!

I miss watching him play.

Self portrait of Landan below, how precious. He's such a goofy little guy.

I miss finding his self portraits when I upload camera pictures.

Another photo, courtesy of Landan. It's of his sweet little foot. Man I loved to munch on those sweet little feet.

I miss everything from the tootsies on your feet, to a single straind of hair on your beautiful little head.
I miss your crazy blonde hair! It grew so quickly & you still had the sweet little curls at the ends of your locks.

I miss running my fingers through your blonde hair.

"And I'll help you find the way To get rid of all your pain Little by little, day by day"

Heaven (Little by Little) - There of a Deadman
(Can be heard by scrolling down to my music player)

Anxiety - Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components.[1] These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, fear, or worry.

Under "Symptoms" - One of the most common symptoms of anxiety is fear, which includes the fear of dying. "You may...fear that the chest pains [a physical symptom of anxiety] are a deadly heart attack or that the shooting pains in your head [another physical symptom of anxiety] are the result of a tumor or aneurysm. You feel an intense fear when you think of dying, or you may think of it more often than normal, or can’t get it out of your mind." [6]

Wow, did they write that last sentence specifically about me? Feels like it to me! But I'm sure everyone that has anxiety is relieved by the fact that they aren't the only ones experiencing these debilitating issues! Let's talk about some of my irrational thoughts recently.

I'm so afraid to die since the death of my sweet Landan.

Swine Flu - I lost sleep over this. My husband, God love him, I know gets so sick of hearing me talk about dying. Or some horrible disease I must have because of this, this & this. Anyways, back to Swine Flu (or H1N1 respectfully) I was so deathly afraid that we were going to get this, I spent alot of mornings searching articles about the recent happenings, looked at my hospital discharge papers from when Layne was born trying to determine if the flu vaccine I got had a name. That was when I was trying to research if last years flu vaccine was effective against the Swine flu (it is not.) I was forever making sure my husband & I were using hand sanitizer coming in & out of our apartment building, etc. Since the outbreak numbers have started to taper, my anxiety has lowered about it. BUT, now I worry about NEXT flu season because they're talking about how it could flare up worse next time! Thankfully, I also read that they are not seeing the components in this flu strain that cause the deadly outbreak in 1918.

2012 - You might be wondering what in the world that is? I really don't even want to talk about it because it still bothers me. But apparently, the world is going to end 12/27/2012! I was clicking around the internet one night. Saw a blog where this nut (he really was, I think he was putting on an act to be honest) about the world ending on the date previously mentioned. So I clicked on another link from his blog, well that was a movie trailer for the movie "2012" coming out this Novemeber. The writer of this movie also wrote & directed "The Day After Tomorrow" & "Indepencence Day". Which are two other "Doomsday" type movies. So from THAT site, I clicked on another link & all hell broke loose! My anxiety spiraled out of control over this "2012 Doomsday" business! I literally had to search google for articles against this claim & even went to the NASA website to find information on this! NASA has a section where people can ask questions, the 2012 question has been asked a few times recently. The person, I think he was some type of astronomer (don't quote me) let everyone know this wasn't true. It eased my fears some. I even chatted with my mom online one night about it. See, I believe in the Bible, and it tells us their that we do not know when God will come back, we are to be ready everyday for Him to come. I found comfort in that, but then asked my mom "what if I'm not a good enough Catholic to have Him take me when He comes back" (because at this point I'm still concerned about Him not coming before the world ends.)

I'm sorry if I'm going in circles, this is really just for me to express my inner feelings & struggles with anxiety. I'm so tired of being worried about dying all the time. If I'm tired before bedtime - I'm worried, if I have some sort of pain - I'm worried, if I have a headache or stomach ache - I'm worried. It sucks! I wish I could take meds, but I'm so paranoid about side effects. It's sad & pathetic! I have confidence that some day, my anxiety will be so tiny that I might not even notice it! Like the sentence that the beginning (the one in bold) I think of dying like once a day, too much! I'm not morbid, just scared!

If you have any words you think might help comfort me, please feel free to share them in a comment! Or if you want to vent about your own anxiety - Feel free! If your going to tell me you believe in 2012, PLEASE REFRAIN! lol

Saturday, May 2, 2009

"Im a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, Im wanted dead or alive"

So an awesome friend my my PR, Kim had a contest to win one of her super cute creations! They're called "Drool Bandanas" Really, can you think of a cuter way to catch the drool from your sweet babys mouth? Here is Layne modeling his! Check our her Etsy! She has them for girls too!

What's that? I think I hear your baby saying that they want to be like the cool kids & have a drool bandana too!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Here comes the last time I'm gonna kiss you, The first night sleeping alone, Here comes the hardest thing, We've ever known

Lyrics by Butch Walker "Here Comes The ..." Ft. Pink

Going to try something different. Makes me step out of the box a little. I'm going to try to use lyrics as my post topics. Yesterday I used a poem, might use those every now-and-then.

I actually sat awhile deciding what I should post about. I'm still not 100% sure where I'm going with this post, I'm sure all will come together in the end though. We'll see how things pan out.

If you don't already know who Kayleigh Ann Freeman is, you should visit her blog. She was born 3mos early at 1lb 1oz, 10.5in long. She's had many trials during her short life & has proved that miracles DO happen many times. Recently she's suffered an undetected lack of oxygen to her brain or a brain bleed that has left her "brain dead." My heart breaks for her family, who was so excited to be taking her home. That goal was getting closer & closer. Now, sadly, they will be taking her home soon to spend their last day's with her.

Kayleighs mom Aimee spoke in the blog tonight. Many of the things she spoke about I could relate too 100%, after having lost a child myself. She spoke about being in shock after finding out Kayleigh was brain dead, buying funeral clothes & the unfairness of her siblings not getting to meet the most amazing person in her life.

All things, as I've said, I can relate to.

I remember the shock after the PICU Dr. told us Landan was gone. I couldn't even process what he was saying, I heard him. But I stood in bewilderment at the words that came from his lips. He must be lying, this couldn't be happening to MY Landan. Nope, noway! I remember shopping for funeral clothes with my mom & best friend. And I've often told my husband & others how unfair it was to any future child we have that they'll never know Landan like we did. All things I can't change, though I've wished that I could.


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