Saturday, October 17, 2009

Anxiety, yet again ...

Ugh I'm so, so tired of having anxiety. If Landan were here I wouldn't have this problem. But I know it's not his fault & I'm not blaming God either. I just know though that if Landan were here & hadn't died I wouldn't have to deal with his! Life was perfect then. It's just shy of perfect now. The only thing that keeps life from being perfect is Landan not being here.

My stomach is turning & I feel nauseous. My heart is telling me it's anxiety, but my head is fucking me me & telling me it must be something more complex. I've been trying hard today to push through it all but I'm human. I get weak & can't do it. I basically "cater" to my anxiety because I give in to it! I allow myself to get caught up in it & I don't know how to change that! I hope that one day I'm able to get a hand on my anxiety & not get so caught up in it. I feel the simplest thing that someone without anxiety would brush of and I get caught up in it & it spirals out of control. It's so stupid! And I realize that. But I don't know how to not give in to the feeling. Since like 10-11mos after Landan died, I've been terrified of death. Before that time I welcomed it in a way because I wanted to be with Landan. Now I realize that I'm not ready to die. Which comforts me in a way & I'll explain why. At my support groups, alot of the other parents share how their children said something like "I know I'm not going to live a long life." or other things of that nature. So I try to tell myself that because I'm so afraid of death that maybe it's not my time! I've been to a few psychics since Landan has died. And they've mentioned things in the future & how I will have more children. So I feel like I still have life to live. So why am I so afraid that I'm going to die all the time?

God give me the strength to overcome this! I beg you! Show me that their is something beyond this world so I'm not so afraid! I'm tired of anxiety ruling my life half the time. Turn down the intensity on my anxiety, something! Please Lord, come wrap your arms around me & allow me to feel the comfort of your presence.

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