Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Change is sooo hard!

Since Layne is getting bigger & more independent, we've given him the independence he wants. We've moved the gates around in a way that he can go freely from the living room to his & Landan's bedroom.

Up to this point Landan's room has basically been a shrine ... I won't lie or deny that. But it's just so hard to not let that happen. It's been 3yrs & all of Landan's dirty clothes are still unwashed in & around his hamper, his bedding is the same, etc. Memorial things & other items we've bought since his death were neatly place on his bed & sprinkled around the rest of the room.

As soon as we started to let Layne have more freedom around the apartment I realized a time will come when he'll be climbing up on the bed more often & I didn't want him to tear up Landan's things. So I moved everything to be displayed on top of the entertainment center (which I posted pictures of) Shortly after I realized I might have made a mistake, maybe I wasn't ready to move it. I admitted that to Andy through a few tears shortly after everything had probably been moved. Andy told me he'd help me move back everything to exactly where it was, but I declined that offer because I know it's something I had to do. Even if I really didn't want to. It was basically a compromise with myself, because it was just being moved to a different spot in the room. It wasn't being taken OUT of the room. It was after that I realized I am NOT READY for a "room makeover" I thought I was ready to change up the theme of the room from Spongebob to Toy Story. But if it caused so much pain just to do what I've already done ... The I am NOT ready for such a huge change.
I'm so "clinging" to everything that is Landan's. I don't see how I'll ever have the strength to get rid of anything. Thank God I had another boy that can wear some of Landan's clothes. Obviously somethings will be too special or hold too many memories to share with any other child. But most is ok. I've never really admitted it to anyone else, maybe just a few people but I didn't even change my bedding for MONTHS ... Too many to even imagine probably. Andy wasn't even allowed to sleep in our bed with me for the longest time. I just couldn't give up the sheets & couldn't give up "Landan's spot" to anyone else. Now the bedding that was on the bed then is tucked away the bag our new bed set came it ... It will never be washed of course & never used again. The most recent challenge I'm approaching is the fact that we'll soon have a new couch. I never realized I could be so attached to a couch, but I am. I'm already having anxiety over getting rid of it. It was my first big purchase for the apartment, and one of the first things that was mine, Landan & Andy's. I have lots of pictures of Landan on the couch, etc. I've already decided that I'm cutting out a piece of the cushion. I feel like getting rid of it is like throwing out a memory of Landan. Realistically I know that's not what I'm doing, but things feel like that sometimes.

Last psychic we saw said Landan didn't want his room to be a shrine & he wanted his things played with. Idk, maybe one day I'll be able to give his things away to other children. I'm glad Layne will be able to play with certain things though. I have to do things at my pace & I'm thankful I'm not being pressured to do anything I don't want to do.
After pictures (cell phone quality):


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