Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
I don't really talk too much about Andy sometimes, or how lucky I am to have the amazing hubby that I do.
We've had our share of hard times, thats no understatement. I'm sure he struggled after Landan passed away because for awhile I grew farther & farther away from him. Our fighting got really bad for awhile, and the cruel things I said to protect my own emotions got meaner & meaner. But even through that all he never stopped loving or supporting me when I needed him the most.
As most of you know, I've struggled with anxiety for almost a year now. It started as the anniversary of Landans death got closer & closer. I was terrified that I was dying & scared of dying (I still am.) I cried & begged Andy to take me to the ER because I thought I was going to have a heart attack. They did an EKG, and everything was fine. I struggled with all the asspects of anxiety. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down, I kept throwing up, had horrible acid reflux & heartburn, heart papaltations, shortness of breath, hot flashes, etc. I went to the my regular doctor two days in a row. I just couldn't get a grip. My doctor assured me that I was fine, perfectly healthy & nothing was wrong with my heart. He told me (in not so many words) that I needed to get a grip because he didn't want to have to see me hospitalized. He told me that I would lose all control over my life if that happend. They'd force me to eat & take medications to control my anxiety. I didn't want that to happen either! Thinking about that helped me control things a little bit. The anxiety got a little easier to manage & started only coming once a month for awhile.
I started going to my moms house at 5am in the morning, even if Andy didn't work, or didn't work until the next afternoon. I associate my moms house as my "comfort zone" their are alot of people here ... My mom, stepdad & two younger sisters. So I did this for awhile, then when my anxiety got better I started staying at the apartment again.
As most of you don't know, only my closest friends know that now I reguarly stay at my moms house. Even if Andy doesn't work the next day, but I'm so used to this I'm having a hard time breaking the habit. I've tried to stay at the apartment with Andy, but I end up feeling very anxious & return to my moms. Andy is so supportive that he's left his comfort zone (our apartment) and has come to stay with my at my moms on MANY, MANY occassions! When I have anxiety I "need" Andy! Andy used to have some anxiety issues when he was younger, although he worried about different things, he understands where I'm coming from and is an easy & understanding person to talk to when I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what I'd do without him! As I type this right now, Andy is sleeping upstairs in my sisters room (she's at a friends house) because I was having some anxiety & needed him here. Even though he has to work at 7am, and has been asleep for many hours it helps to know that he is here if I need him.
I'm very glad that we've become closer & stronger as a couple. I know Landan wouldn't have wanted us to divorce because of his death. Andy loved Landan as his own son & Landan loved Andy as his "E"! We are a family, & always will be. Andy tells me all the time that he loves his family, and his family is - Me, Landan & Layne. He loves his wife & his boys so much! He's a big teddy bear & such a sweet man. I know he'll be very touched to read this, because it isn't often that I confess my love to him! He knows I love him though, I just have a hard time being "emotional" and sharing that side of me.
Anyways, I've literally gone on & on about this! But I just thought I'd share with everyone how much I love my hubby!
Well it's August already. Landan is almost 5yrs old! Gosh, such a big boy. I wonder who he'd be today, the same amazing, happy little boy I'm sure! Landan was so smart & advanced I'm sure he would have been attending preschool this year. I would have been shopping for the perfect bookbag & school supplies, getting new clothes for school, and sending my big boy off into the world for the first time! I can't help but to think of all the things I'll be missing out on with Landan, but all that started the day he passed away. All the little homework projects, papers graded with smily face stickers, and the crafts that he would have been bringing home to display so proudly! How can the world be so cruel? Ugh I miss him so much!
If anyone that came into contact with Landan during the time he was sick remembers him. Like today, I was behind a Rossford ambulance. I wonder how they felt after they found out that Landan passed away. We're they just scare because they were worried that they would get sick, or were they sad that this precious little guy hadn't survived? I wonder the same thing about the nurses & dr that took care of Landan. I DO know that nurses remember treating him, or remember him being in the hospital.
We went to a rememberance service that was put on by the hospital about a year after Landan passed away. I talked to a few of the different nurses & they remembered seeing him. One nurse in particular, I think she was the head nurse of the PICU was their. She was the one who promised me that after we left, she would stay with Landan so he didn't have to be alone downstairs. I know I've said before how touching that was, and how much that ment to me. I collected the courage to speak with her when I saw her that day. I told her I wasn't sure if she remembered me & Landan, and she told me that yes she did. I told her that I just wanted to let her know how much it ment to me that she offered to stay with Landan after we left, and that I would never forget that. I think she was touched. It made me feel so much better to let her know my appreciation.
As a lesson ... If someone touches your life, make sure you let them know. I'm sure they will never forget the things you have to say to them.
UPDATE: August 23, 2008
Earlier this week my mom shared something with me. My mom works in a Rite Aid pharmacy. One of her customers is also the mother of one of the paramedics that came to our home the day I called 911. She told my mom that her son & the rest of the paramedics were saddened to learn of Landans passing & were/are still affected by that. I imagine they were saddened to learn that such a young, beautiful & precious little boy passed away. I told my mom to thank her for sharing that information as it has answered one of the many questions I have.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
How cute is this video? Yet we still have sick people posting comments like these about this adorable little boy.
CSEKTION (8 hours ago)
If that was my kid, I'd tape a? plastic bag over his head and step on his belly.
CSEKTION (5 hours ago)
kid should choke on his own buhlud and duh-ie
The stupid & pathetic things that come out of peoples mouths sometimes NEVER ceases to amaze me! I mean honestly ... wtf is wrong with the person that posted those things? And the sad part about it is ... who knows if he'll ever answer to those things. I hope so.
Im sorry but I think YouTube needs to crack down a little bit. It's not just this video, but I swear on just about every video someone has to post a stupid & hurtful comment. Some worse than others obviously! Just about the only way to avoid comments is by now allowing them. YouTube doesn't even have a place where you can report one of their users. If you know how I can do that, please let me know, because I haven't figured it out as of this point! You can report someones video, but thats the only thing I've found recently. I like YouTube & I'll continue to post my videos their, because it's the easiest place to do so, just think they need to be cracking down on the comments people leave & be deleting users for the shit they say!
"This is a 3-year-old male who presented to our ER from Rossford. We really did not get any call prior to the patient coming in. When this patient arrived the nurse went in to get report from the ambulance from Rossford. She was talking to them and she turned around and looked at the child, saw that the child looked very significantly ill, immediatly came and got me and another nurse. We walked into the room, assesed the patient. Concern initially was with the patient's appearance, again, he did look very sick. He looked like he was in shock, a rash that was consistant with meningococcal type of rash. We immediatly tried for IC access, but the patient appeared to be in signs of shock and we were unable to get an IV.
I contacted the peds hospitalist. The message was conveyed though another nurse about our concerns about this patient being very ill and they told us to bring the child up to the pediatric intensive care unit, and he was taken up there.
The total time that we were with the patient in the ER was approximately 15 minutes from the time he got here to when he went upstairs.
Mom states that the child has no past history of any health problems, he has no allergies. She gave him some atipyretics for a fever that he had yesterday and he maybe had a little bit of some fever and not feeling well yesterday, but nothing else significantly abnormal that she reported. He has not been around any sick contacts, doesn't go to day care. The child was feeling ill. She states that he slept with her last night. She saw him early in the morning, he didn't seem to be abnormal early this morning, but when she woke up he was on the floor. She called the ambulance. When they got here, they picked him up and brought him into the emergency department.
When you look at him he is tachycardiac. He is very pale, cold skin. We did a rectal temp which was 38 *C. He had had diarrhea. There was stool all over his extremities. It also looked like maybe he had had some emesis. He had a purple rash on the skin noted. It did not blanch. A purple rash noted on his face, his ears, his chest, back, arms, and legs. Again, just extensively, very ill appearing child. Very cold extremities, poor capillary refill. Again, with this we attempted a couple IV attempts. I put him on some nonrebreather for support and immediately took him upstairs to the pediatric intensive care unit.
It was noted the child did have a little bit of a cry, very weak, and when you would examine him, touch him, or roll him he did act like he was just in pain from this. Care at this point in time was turned over to Dr. Pierre Vaulthy, pediatric intensive. I did notify the physician on call for Dr. _________ about the patient's critical condition.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS: Illness, rash, rule out meningococcemia
Jessica L. Wilson, M.D."
From the PICU Dr that took care of Landan
"The patient is a three-year-old child who was well until the day before admission when the patient developed what appeared to be an upper respiratory infection, followed and being very tired and lethargic. The patient went to bed and slept by the mother's side overnight. At 6:00 in the morning on 11/15/06, the patient had a bottle of juice and subsequently three hours later, the mother woke him up and found him to have a rash all over his body. She brought the patient immediatly to the Emergency Room at Toledo Hospital and was transferred immediately by the Emergency Room physician to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit where on arrival the patient is noted to have a hemorrhagic rash throughout his skin. The patient has had perfusion of the extremities. The patient is awake, but somewhat moribund. The patient immediately had IV's inserted, blood culture was obtained and immediately thereafter the patient was given IV Claforan and IV steroids. The patient was then subsequently intubated and a subclavian line was inserted into the left subclavian vein. The patient was noted to have significant hypotension and was placed initially on Dopamine followed by Epinephrine drip followed by _________ drip and then the Dopamine was discontinued. The patient initially had no urine output, but developed some urine output after starting Lasix and using pressors.
PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Really noncontributory. The patient has not had any previous significant illnesses. No hospitalizations. No known allergies. The patient is followed by Dr. John Dvorak in his office.
FAMILY HISTORY: His father has hemophilia A.
REVIEW OF SYSTEMS: Essentially normal for him other than most recently developed an upper respiratory infection without a cough, a rash on his skin. Cardiac, neuromuscular, skeletal, edocrine, reproductive were all within normal limits.
PHSYICAL EXAMINATION:VITAL SIGNS: On admission the patient has a temperature of 38.1 degrees C, pulse of 174, respiratory rate of 35, blood pressure of 75/23, weight of approximately 18kg, height of 97 centimeter.
HEENT: Pupils equal, reactive to light and accomodate. There is a range of motion. Ala are patent. Tympanic membranes are within normal limits. Oropharynx is dusky as are the lips and mucous membrane. Trachea midline.
CHEST: Clear to auscultation and percussion. No retractions.
COR: Normal sinus rhythm. S1 is equal to S2. Pulses are peripherally very weak.
ABDOMEN: Flat abdomen without organomegaly.
GENITOURINARY: Normal male genitalia.
INTEGUMENT: Hemorrhagic rash throughout the body with distal peripheral cyanosis.
NEUROLOGIC: The patient is moribund and responds only to pain.
IMPRESSION: Meningococcemia sepsis
The patient's condition is critical
Pierre A. Vaulthy, M.D."
And this is kind of the whole overview of the time Landan was in the PICU
"HOSPITAL COURSE: The patient is a 3-year-old white male who is transferred from the emergency room immediately upon arrival to the emergency room with obvious meningococcemia sepsis. The patient arrived in a Peds ICU provided with immediate IV access given steroids and IV antibiotics. The patient then was intubated. A central line was inserted. The patient continued to develop significan hypotension with vasopressors. The patient was placed on milrinone after failure with epinephrine. The patient during the night was stable including awakening during treatment of his severe peripheral cyanosis and lack of perfusion utilizing hyperbaric therapy. The patient was able to recieve 2 tretments without incident in the morning. At 0630, the patient was developing increasing difficulty with keeping his pressure up. He had excellent blood gases but was metabolically acidotic. The highest blood pressure obtainable despite being on epinephrine and milrinone was approximately 30/5. Boluses of fluid were unsuccessful in maintaining the pressure head. Despite maximum support, the patients heart stopped. CPR was not successful. The patients eyes were fixed and dilated and the patient was declared dead at 8:15 a.m.
CAUSE OF DEATH: Gram-negative sepsis due to meningococcemia. The immediate contacts of the family have been provided with appropriate ciprofloxacin therapy. Anyone other than the immediate family was told to see their primary care physicians for prophylaxis with ciprogfloxacin. The primary care physician was notified of the death and we sat down with the family after the patient passed away.
Pierre A. Vaulthy, M.D."
So if you made it this far .... thank you for doing so. Everything hasn't hit me yet, but boy is it hard to read (even type) the things I have thus far. I wish this was all untrue & Landan was still here. I still have blame for not getting him to the hospital sooner, he might still be here.
I think that poem sums up alot. Landan went into cardiac arrest with us outside his room & was pronounced dead at 8:15am. I remember like it was yesterday. I stood their thinking he's going to be fine! They will start his heart and he'll be ok! I had my hand over my mouth just waiting for his heart to start again, just in disbelief of the events unfolding right infront of my eyes. My mom was in more hystarics than I was because I was just in complete shock. She begged the nurse to tell him that his family was here, she didn't want him to think he was alone. Looking back ... I think he was gone before we could realize it. How do things like this happen? And why? I ask those questions daily, even though I know I wont recieve the answer until I myself, walk through the gates of Heaven.
A year ago today, the people left at the hospital were: Shane & Michelle, Andys mom, my mom & step dad ... at 6:30am when Landans BP was unstable I called my Dad & stepmom at the hotel and told them they needed to come back, he wasn't doing good.
When Landans heart stopped the people that were right their outside his doors were Landans dad, my dad & step mom, and stepdad. My mom had went down the hall to the waiting room and I'd stepped outside the PICU doors to call my friend and let her know that his BP was rising again. Thats when my step mom came running out and said I needed to get back in their and she ran down the hall to get my mom .... Is I quickly walked back in I asked my dad what was going on, and he told me Landans heart had stopped and they were doing chest compressions. My mom was on the phone with her friend and said she had to go, Landans heart stopped. I think her friend started crying instantly.
After the dr took us in the room next to Landan and told us he was gone ... we walked into his room. The nurse was gently removing all his IV's & tubes, and asked if we wanted to hold him. Soon after that a rocking chair was brought into is room, Landan was wrapped up in baby blankets and handed gently into my arms. I softly rocked my baby back & forth, still not realizing what was going on! My mom told me I didn't cry until I looked up to her and said "Mom, I dont want to go home without him" God is that true. Andy called my friend Kristin with the devistating news and she came right away, I could already tell she'd been crying on the drive. My step dad went and picked up my two sisters from school, Im pretty sure they started crying immediately when they saw my step dads face, because they just knew Landan was gone.
I dont remember the order of people who held Landan that day, but they were, me, my mom, Andy, my bf Kristin, my dad, my sister Lakin, Rob, his sisters, his mom & dad. So many people were in and out of the room during the 5hrs we had with him. And I held him numerous times. As I said, I remember these few days like they happend yesterday.
One special nurse sticks out of my head, because she left me with peace when I had to leave the hospital ... peace that, even though Landan was already gone, she would still take care of him for me. She assured me that she would stay with Landan until the funeral home came to pick him up, so he wouldn't just be alone somewhere in the basement! God, what a kind thing to do for me, and I will never forget that!
I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my broken heart for the love & thoughtfullness you've shown me today & in the days approaching Landans angelversary. Im lucky to have wonderful friends like yourselves because I know some dont have that luxury.
-Landans Mama until forever, Lacey-
A year ago today Landan was bravely fighting a deadly bacteria that was too powerful for him to fight against. A friend once said, "he was fighting a battle he couldn't win" but still fought anyway! Im so proud of him for the fight he put up!
So a year ago today we were surrounded by dear family & friends at the hospital. I would like to tell you about the amazing support we had during that time. My best friend Kristin was the first person I called, she left work immediately to come for support, my dad and step mom drove up from 4hrs away, Andys friend Shane & his wife Michelle drove up from 4hrs away, Andys mom drove over from 2hrs away, a few of my moms friends came right over when they heard Landan was in the hospital, my stepdad left work & picked up my younger sisters, and Landans Godparents & their family came that night.
Time went by so quickly a year ago today, I can't pin point exactly what was going on at this moment. Later tonight Landan was given the Anointing of the Sick by a priest from our church, and given his first hyper baric chamber treatment at around 7pm.
Im still anxiety filled today. My stomach is already upset & in knots. I've eaten a little but I need to relax myself so Im able to settle my stomach and eat more! I feel like I have to keep reminding myself DEEP BREATHS LACEY! One foot infront of the other. I just need to CHILL! I know I have every right to be upset, but the stomach ache is just ridiculous! And I know that! Like I said, I KNOW nothing is wrong with me, but with anxiety it's like your head is playing games. Kind of like ... one min it pokes you on the shoulder, then the stomach, then your back ... so it's ALL over the place lol. Last night my back hurt and I was worrying about it ... but SO WHAT! When Im NOT having anxiety and my back hurts I dont get all worked up about it! lol Please pray for me & give me the strength to get over this anxiety shit for a few days so I can focus on beautiful memories of Landan.
Thank you to everyone that has been their for me this past year! Whether it's my friends here, or friends online!
Im so afraid that people will assume my "greiving period" is over because of the one year mark. But in all honesty ... it has JUST begun. I've YET to come out of the shock phase. I STILL believe Landan is coming back! I have no idea how Im going to make it through the rest of my life without him. He was the center of everyones lives, the apple of our eye! He was spoiled with love, accepted it all, and gave us back just as much love! I can never fully get across what an amazing child I had. I really did have an angel since he was born!
Please forgive me if I skip around from emotion to emotion. Im so damn scatterbrained now-a-days. I've been having anxiety for the past few days. But Thank God that it hasn't been as bad as last time! This time it's just been - my stomach in knots because of worrying, sometimes with a racing heart beat, and things like that. But still (as many know who've had anxiety) you get that overwhelming fear that something serious is wrong, or your near death. My mom thinks that Im questioning my own life, because if Landan can die at 3yrs, then maybe I dont feel as safe anymore. I mean it's not like I didn't know before that children & young adults die everyday. But never have I experienced one so close to me, and so precious to me.
Well Im going to end this here, Im sure their will be more blogs during this time where Im still trying to make sense of everything.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Right now Im busy customizing my blog so I can get it the way I like. :)
-Lacey, Mama to Angel Landan-