Wednesday, May 6, 2009

"And I'll help you find the way To get rid of all your pain Little by little, day by day"

Heaven (Little by Little) - There of a Deadman
(Can be heard by scrolling down to my music player)

Anxiety - Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components.[1] These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, fear, or worry.

Under "Symptoms" - One of the most common symptoms of anxiety is fear, which includes the fear of dying. "You may...fear that the chest pains [a physical symptom of anxiety] are a deadly heart attack or that the shooting pains in your head [another physical symptom of anxiety] are the result of a tumor or aneurysm. You feel an intense fear when you think of dying, or you may think of it more often than normal, or can’t get it out of your mind." [6]

Wow, did they write that last sentence specifically about me? Feels like it to me! But I'm sure everyone that has anxiety is relieved by the fact that they aren't the only ones experiencing these debilitating issues! Let's talk about some of my irrational thoughts recently.

I'm so afraid to die since the death of my sweet Landan.

Swine Flu - I lost sleep over this. My husband, God love him, I know gets so sick of hearing me talk about dying. Or some horrible disease I must have because of this, this & this. Anyways, back to Swine Flu (or H1N1 respectfully) I was so deathly afraid that we were going to get this, I spent alot of mornings searching articles about the recent happenings, looked at my hospital discharge papers from when Layne was born trying to determine if the flu vaccine I got had a name. That was when I was trying to research if last years flu vaccine was effective against the Swine flu (it is not.) I was forever making sure my husband & I were using hand sanitizer coming in & out of our apartment building, etc. Since the outbreak numbers have started to taper, my anxiety has lowered about it. BUT, now I worry about NEXT flu season because they're talking about how it could flare up worse next time! Thankfully, I also read that they are not seeing the components in this flu strain that cause the deadly outbreak in 1918.

2012 - You might be wondering what in the world that is? I really don't even want to talk about it because it still bothers me. But apparently, the world is going to end 12/27/2012! I was clicking around the internet one night. Saw a blog where this nut (he really was, I think he was putting on an act to be honest) about the world ending on the date previously mentioned. So I clicked on another link from his blog, well that was a movie trailer for the movie "2012" coming out this Novemeber. The writer of this movie also wrote & directed "The Day After Tomorrow" & "Indepencence Day". Which are two other "Doomsday" type movies. So from THAT site, I clicked on another link & all hell broke loose! My anxiety spiraled out of control over this "2012 Doomsday" business! I literally had to search google for articles against this claim & even went to the NASA website to find information on this! NASA has a section where people can ask questions, the 2012 question has been asked a few times recently. The person, I think he was some type of astronomer (don't quote me) let everyone know this wasn't true. It eased my fears some. I even chatted with my mom online one night about it. See, I believe in the Bible, and it tells us their that we do not know when God will come back, we are to be ready everyday for Him to come. I found comfort in that, but then asked my mom "what if I'm not a good enough Catholic to have Him take me when He comes back" (because at this point I'm still concerned about Him not coming before the world ends.)

I'm sorry if I'm going in circles, this is really just for me to express my inner feelings & struggles with anxiety. I'm so tired of being worried about dying all the time. If I'm tired before bedtime - I'm worried, if I have some sort of pain - I'm worried, if I have a headache or stomach ache - I'm worried. It sucks! I wish I could take meds, but I'm so paranoid about side effects. It's sad & pathetic! I have confidence that some day, my anxiety will be so tiny that I might not even notice it! Like the sentence that the beginning (the one in bold) I think of dying like once a day, too much! I'm not morbid, just scared!

If you have any words you think might help comfort me, please feel free to share them in a comment! Or if you want to vent about your own anxiety - Feel free! If your going to tell me you believe in 2012, PLEASE REFRAIN! lol

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