Monday, January 15, 2007

Another bereaved parents wish list.

1. I wish my baby hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My baby's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay, " I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Time flys ... but I'm not having fun.

It's coming up on 2mos that Landan has been gone. I still can't believe it's been that long. It almost pisses me off that time has gone by so fast. When he was here it seemed like we had all the time in the world ... the days seemed so long & weeks went by so slowly. Now that he's gone I can't believe how fast time has gone. As I said -- that makes me made. I was talking with my husband the other night & this is how I feel right now about God ... "I might be able to accept him back into my life at some point, but I will never forgive him." Because you know what ... Jesus used to save people from illness, make blind people see, disabled people walk ... and he couldn't have come down off his high horse & save my son?? Just makes me so mad. Errr. I don't want to anyone down I'm still just so mad at God & Jesus ... my son was an angel on earth, they didn't need him in heaven.

I want Landan back! I prayed soooooo hard at the hospital when he was sick, and we had SO many people praying for him ... I'm sure well around 100 people. And what for? It didn't do a damn bit of good so why should I ever want to pray to God again? I mean whats the point? I guess he wasn't listing that night. Well I'm sorry I didn't know God could just ignore people or just check out for that night. I didn't think it worked that way? I thought God was supposed to be here for us? Listen to us 24/7? Like I said I wasn't asking for material things ... I never did ... I just asked that my son be safe ... well my prayers when unaswered & now I have to suffer the rest of MY life. Landan & I didn't do anything wrong, yet we've been punished. Man I hope there is a heaven, because if I found out there wasn't I wouldn't want to be here any longer. ((sigh))

Well ... I guess I'm done venting for now I feel a headache coming on, ugh!

Saturday, January 6, 2007


Just posting a quick welcome to those who view my blog. I recently placed the link to this website on Landans memory-of memorial page so expect some visitors. The way this journal works is you start at the bottom of this page & scroll up. So my very first blog is at the bottom & newst blog is at the top.

Thanks for your interest in reading, I open my heart, soul & mind in here so please be kind.

Love, Landans Mama

The Broken Chain

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
the Chain will link again.

I think this poem really connects with me. Landan passed away at 8:15am 11/16/06 -- such a horrible day. The only peaceful thing is I know I'll see my little boy one day. As I've said many times, I just wish I knew how much longer I was going to suffer here without him.

I really don't know whats been going on with me latly -- I'm just so distant & depressed alot. I just wish this wasn't the life that I have to live, I don't want to live without Landan. But I know I have no choice. Killing myself isnt the answer -- but I can say I'm not afraid of death anymore.

Another thing I was thinking about -- how to I describe (should someone ask) what it's like to have held my 3yr old angel in my arms after he passed. I do know it was a surreal feeling, I couldn't believe I was really doing this. Even watching the pain in everyone elses face that held him that day. It was so hard to watch. I was the first & last one to hold him -- I wouldn't have had it anyother way. But laying my son, my baby, my only child down on the hospital bed was so hard. I didn't want to leave him. I can't believe I saw him like that. Landan was perfect, so handsome & beautiful. People often said "he's too beautiful to be a boy" My son was so handsome, everyone thought that. He was still beautiful to me after he was gone, still my "bebe", and still my little special angel.

About holding Landan -- the wrapped him up in blankets & handed him to me. I was sitting in a rocking chair they'd brought in. They handed him to me & I just sat, cried & rocked my baby boy. I rememberd in my head at times when he was still alive I would hold him like a baby & say "awww my little bebe" & he would giggle. A smile & giggle I will never hear again.

I'm honestly lost without Landan. I sit here and I'm angry at writing this. I shouldn't be sitting here in this postition writting about losing Landan. I should be blogging about his christmas, or birthday. What am I going to do on mothers day? my birthday? easter? the 4th of july? and his birthday? ((Cries)) Life is cruel & I'm mad at God for taking Landan. He was too beautiful to be an angel . . . God only takes the best you say? Well there are alot of other good people in this world that have lived life. Landan hadn't dammit! His life was stolen from him! He had a beautiful future ahead of him -- I'll never get to watch his first day of school, see him play sports, watch him grow up, graduate high school or college, become a man, have a girlfriend, get married, or have kids. Cruel, cruel world.

I wish I knew what to do to honor my sons memory. His precious memory. I feel like everyone has moved on except me . . . I want to talk about Landan all the time, why dont you? Ask me about Landan -- I still love him. Like the books say -- if I cry when you talk about Landan it's because I'm so happy he was apart of my life.

((Sigh)) I guess I'm done with my venting for the night . . .


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