Tuesday, April 28, 2009

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes."

I got a beautiful email from a friend just a few days, hope you don't mind D. She always picks me up with her emails, and I'm sure I've told her that before. Recently she'd told me that she often thinks of Landan & that knowing about him makes her happy. She said other beautiful words as she always does, but I wanted to blog about a sentence she said in the email. I just feel like it's something I should talk about. Get my feelings out.

"I will say It is definitly not fair that he was taken from you, His mama, way to soon. I don't know if I could ever forgive that and in the same breath I couldn't be more grateful to have had him for what ever time and purpose I was given."

Who knew that someone who hasn't lost a child could be so "on page" with my own thoughts? Sometimes I wish their were a book on how to grieve the "right" way. Then maybe it would be easier. I still have anger about Landan's passing. I just can't wrap my head around the why's & what if's.

Why Landan? Why me? Why our family?
What if I would have taken him to the hospital the night before?
What if we didn't go here, or there?

Anyways, back to the email quote. I still am working on forgiving God for Landan's passing, not that he's really to blame I guess. I don't have anyone to blame except the disease. My mom says she's glad that we have no one to blame, that it would eat away at us. I guess I can see where she's coming from. But I also wish I had someone I could hate for taking Landan away. But I think I'd be tortured by those visions if someone did something awful to him. Not that I'm not already anxiety stricken by the visions of the end anyways. Sometimes I'll be laying in bed & I'll be thinking about the time Landan was at the hospital ... Then I get this adrenaline rush & an anxious feeling because I just can't believe this happened. I never thought I'd be in this place I am now. I used to visit memorial pages for other children who passed away too soon. I remember sheading tears of saddness for these children & their families. Now people are doing that for our loss. Nope, never in a million years did I think Landan wouldn't outlive me. I know you've heard it before, but children are supposed to outlive their parents! We're not supposed to bury our children! So I'm still working on things & living after this loss. I miss Landan so much though, I do anything for him to be here with us! I think God forgives me for being angry with him.

I feel so, so blessed to have been the mama of an angel sent to earth. Landan is & was perfect. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world. He's touched so many lives it's amazing, and I always hear atleast once a week about another life he's touched. It fills my heart with joy. Truely.

I've also been blessed with another son! So I guess I'm not being punished or not worthy as I may have thought immediately after Landan's death. Now the hole in my heart isn't as big. I have someone to share my love with again. I can't even describe the feeling I get cuddling Layne. Sometimes I don't want to let go, or I can't pry my lips away from kissing on him. I'm so thankful for my boys (hubby included) I love them all!

I love being the pink in my house of blue.


Lea said...

Hi there,

I just came across your blog and have to say that Landon is gorgeous. I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry you are on this horrendous journey with us all. It's all so hard.

I love, love the quote, btw.

lamb said...

ok so while i was reading this i started balling my eyes out. i know how much you must miss landan. and i know that there is still that missing piece that you have.

i know that landan's story has truly touched me, and i think about him a lot. i know that he is looking down on you and your family all the time.


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