Saturday, August 23, 2008

I have an amazing hubby!

Taken from Myspace blog: August 7, 2008

I don't really talk too much about Andy sometimes, or how lucky I am to have the amazing hubby that I do.

We've had our share of hard times, thats no understatement. I'm sure he struggled after Landan passed away because for awhile I grew farther & farther away from him. Our fighting got really bad for awhile, and the cruel things I said to protect my own emotions got meaner & meaner. But even through that all he never stopped loving or supporting me when I needed him the most.

As most of you know, I've struggled with anxiety for almost a year now. It started as the anniversary of Landans death got closer & closer. I was terrified that I was dying & scared of dying (I still am.) I cried & begged Andy to take me to the ER because I thought I was going to have a heart attack. They did an EKG, and everything was fine. I struggled with all the asspects of anxiety. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down, I kept throwing up, had horrible acid reflux & heartburn, heart papaltations, shortness of breath, hot flashes, etc. I went to the my regular doctor two days in a row. I just couldn't get a grip. My doctor assured me that I was fine, perfectly healthy & nothing was wrong with my heart. He told me (in not so many words) that I needed to get a grip because he didn't want to have to see me hospitalized. He told me that I would lose all control over my life if that happend. They'd force me to eat & take medications to control my anxiety. I didn't want that to happen either! Thinking about that helped me control things a little bit. The anxiety got a little easier to manage & started only coming once a month for awhile.

I started going to my moms house at 5am in the morning, even if Andy didn't work, or didn't work until the next afternoon. I associate my moms house as my "comfort zone" their are alot of people here ... My mom, stepdad & two younger sisters. So I did this for awhile, then when my anxiety got better I started staying at the apartment again.

As most of you don't know, only my closest friends know that now I reguarly stay at my moms house. Even if Andy doesn't work the next day, but I'm so used to this I'm having a hard time breaking the habit. I've tried to stay at the apartment with Andy, but I end up feeling very anxious & return to my moms. Andy is so supportive that he's left his comfort zone (our apartment) and has come to stay with my at my moms on MANY, MANY occassions! When I have anxiety I "need" Andy! Andy used to have some anxiety issues when he was younger, although he worried about different things, he understands where I'm coming from and is an easy & understanding person to talk to when I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what I'd do without him! As I type this right now, Andy is sleeping upstairs in my sisters room (she's at a friends house) because I was having some anxiety & needed him here. Even though he has to work at 7am, and has been asleep for many hours it helps to know that he is here if I need him.

I'm very glad that we've become closer & stronger as a couple. I know Landan wouldn't have wanted us to divorce because of his death. Andy loved Landan as his own son & Landan loved Andy as his "E"! We are a family, & always will be. Andy tells me all the time that he loves his family, and his family is - Me, Landan & Layne. He loves his wife & his boys so much! He's a big teddy bear & such a sweet man. I know he'll be very touched to read this, because it isn't often that I confess my love to him! He knows I love him though, I just have a hard time being "emotional" and sharing that side of me.

Anyways, I've literally gone on & on about this! But I just thought I'd share with everyone how much I love my hubby!



Taken from Myspace blog: August 5, 2008

Well it's August already. Landan is almost 5yrs old! Gosh, such a big boy. I wonder who he'd be today, the same amazing, happy little boy I'm sure! Landan was so smart & advanced I'm sure he would have been attending preschool this year. I would have been shopping for the perfect bookbag & school supplies, getting new clothes for school, and sending my big boy off into the world for the first time! I can't help but to think of all the things I'll be missing out on with Landan, but all that started the day he passed away. All the little homework projects, papers graded with smily face stickers, and the crafts that he would have been bringing home to display so proudly! How can the world be so cruel? Ugh I miss him so much!

Sometimes I wonder ...

Taken from Myspace blog: July 18, 2008

If anyone that came into contact with Landan during the time he was sick remembers him. Like today, I was behind a Rossford ambulance. I wonder how they felt after they found out that Landan passed away. We're they just scare because they were worried that they would get sick, or were they sad that this precious little guy hadn't survived? I wonder the same thing about the nurses & dr that took care of Landan. I DO know that nurses remember treating him, or remember him being in the hospital.

We went to a rememberance service that was put on by the hospital about a year after Landan passed away. I talked to a few of the different nurses & they remembered seeing him. One nurse in particular, I think she was the head nurse of the PICU was their. She was the one who promised me that after we left, she would stay with Landan so he didn't have to be alone downstairs. I know I've said before how touching that was, and how much that ment to me. I collected the courage to speak with her when I saw her that day. I told her I wasn't sure if she remembered me & Landan, and she told me that yes she did. I told her that I just wanted to let her know how much it ment to me that she offered to stay with Landan after we left, and that I would never forget that. I think she was touched. It made me feel so much better to let her know my appreciation.

As a lesson ... If someone touches your life, make sure you let them know. I'm sure they will never forget the things you have to say to them.

UPDATE: August 23, 2008
Earlier this week my mom shared something with me. My mom works in a Rite Aid pharmacy. One of her customers is also the mother of one of the paramedics that came to our home the day I called 911. She told my mom that her son & the rest of the paramedics were saddened to learn of Landans passing & were/are still affected by that. I imagine they were saddened to learn that such a young, beautiful & precious little boy passed away. I told my mom to thank her for sharing that information as it has answered one of the many questions I have.


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