I love listening to music. It can be so therapeutic. Then I was thinking about all the different things it can relate to along the journey I'm on ...
"I'll be there when your heart stops beating
I'll be there when your last breath's taken away ..."
I could have never imagined the path life would take me on, obviously most people can't. But the thought of losing your child is just unfathomable. When I think of Landan's birth & him dying 3yrs later these lyrics come to mind ...
"If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong"
As a mother you wish you could take your child's place, and be sick for them so they wouldn't have to go through anything so horrible. Of course the should've, could've & what if's started in the hospital. I can think of a handful of people that day who would have taken his place, just for him to be here.
"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
Shock ... I stood in shock as they did chest compressions on him, couldn't move or say anything. What I was watching was completely unrealistic & my brain was totally incapable of fully processing it. It couldn't be true because I'd already rationalized the fact that he would be in the hospital for awhile. But die? He couldn't die because that's just not how life works. Surely he would bury me someday as I prayed to God would happen just 48hrs before.
"So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face"
I remember spending the night at my moms house afterwards for atleast a week, I didn't want to be at home where Landan lived. I'd wake up Andy in the middle of the night to go outside in the frigged air & cry so I didn't bother anyone else.
"And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live."
Mostly when I think of Landan I really love having this play in my head ...
"Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams"
Recently I've been finding myself depressed that no one thinks of Landan anymore. Well I take that back, the people I want to care, don't. Although I'm still beyond thankful for the people who DO. I was pretty much told recently that someone doesn't know me well enough to care as much as I wish they did & hopefully someone else can help me with that. Pretty shitty if you ask me. Even though I'll continue to NOT like it & continue to bitch about it ... It is what it is. I can't make people care about my child. I just can't make anyone care about him as much as they care about other people. I've cried to my husband about it & vented to my mom about it because it really does break my heart to pieces. He's just not important to certain people. I can never forgive people for making me feel this way, it's just not forgivable. He's my son, he's not here anymore & he should be celebrated & remembered. I won't hold my feelings in anymore because it just makes me more & more bitter!
"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel"
I just need to seperate myself from certain things in my life, I mean really ... why torture myself with things that are out of my control? Sometimes I hope this is true ...
"Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away."
But more & more I feel like this ...
"No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through"
Ultimately, it's about Landan. Keeping his memory alive through myself & other's is the only thing I can do. I look forward to sharing Landan with thousands & thousands more through the years. I know I'm always going to come across people who don't care, guess one of these days I'll learn to deal with it better than I am now-a-days.
"I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be"
P.s. My feelings here are not open for discussion. Juuuust sayin'
