Wonder what he sees?

I obviously can't help but wonder if Layne sees Landan. I know that it's said, children are more susceptible to seeing angels & spirits. As adults, we've been told it's "abnormal" to see those sorts of things which is a big contributing factor as to why everyone can't see our passed loved ones.

Anyhoo, Layne LOVES his Jumperoo (check it out!) my mom was laughing at him the other day because he really has a blast bouncing & kicking his legs around! He's recently learned to swivle the seat around to look in his big brother's curio that is next to the jumper. It's really sweet, here's a picture actually (don't mind the clutter!) Well tonight Layne turned himself around to look at the curio & he was really just bouncing around, smiling & was SO SO excited! Normally he's not laughing when he's in their unless mommy or daddy is interacting with him to make him laugh.

So I don't know, take from that what you will. I think he sees angels :)

I don't accept it

It can't be real, how can it be that such a sweet, precious boy not be here with his family? I can't wrap my head around this. I want him back! I miss him so much, I hate living without him. Please don't think I'm a horrible mom because I miss him so much. I really am greatful that Layne is in our lives now. His sweet little face brings happiness to me again - But their is always a piece of my heart missing, Landan took that piece to Heaven with him when he passed away. I really can't believe this is the life that I have to live now. I'm positive I've said that a million times now! I know he's gone - But I don't want to believe it. You'd think, after two years, it would be easier to understand. But understanding why children die will never happen. Atleast not while I'm on earth. I look forward to the day when I get to Heaven so I can wrap my arms around my precious little angel!

You know being a parent that has lost a child, alot of things change. At the age of 21yrs I became a bereaved parent & the owner of my own burial plot. I can't believe it. My husband & I have burial plots right next to Landan ... ALREADY! Landan's dad also has one on the other side of Landan & my mom & stepdad are behind Landan.

I could say all day on here that I miss Landan ... I miss him, I MISS him ... I MISS HIM!

Dear God - I've never asked for money, or fame. Can you please rewind time & give me my bebe back? I miss him more than anything & the hole in my heart hurt's so much. I promise to be the best mother & wife I can be. Maybe if you won't let him come back - Could I talk to him on the phone? Or maybe I could come visit him on holidays? I know that even if I could do those things, it would still be too hard to bear that he's not with us daily. I feel so lost without him. He's my soulmate! I need him in my life. As you know, Landan is a big brother now! It pains me that he's not here to physically play the big brother role. I feel like Layne is missing out on knowing such an amazing person! But I know I will tell Layne all about his big brother & what an amazing person he is. Landan is our little, brave hero. If I can't see him, please God - Give him all my love, kisses & hugs. My arms ache without him in them. I miss you so much bebe. I YUV YOU!

Angels On The Moon

I've been in love with this song since I first heard it. It's by a band called Thriving Ivory I recently made a siggy inspired by the song for a siggy challange on JustMommies.



Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
And do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

When you've been ...

thought a loss, ever other little event can seem so scary & tramatic!

All the time I worry about losing someone else that is important to me. My brain & eyes play tricks on me as well. It's no way to live that's for sure.

Last night Andy was eating pizza & I asked him a question while he was chewing. He started choaking on his food. He walked into the kitchen where I was & was gagging like he was going to throw up. He was then leaning over the sink gasping for air, I instinctively pounded my fist on his back because I thought he was choking ... his face had started to turn purple. He could breath out, but couldn't breath in. He finally got himself calmed down & was able to breath. Ugh it was scary. I always think ahead in a situation ... I pictured myself having to attempt the heimlich maneuver on him & then calling 911. But he had a better outlook on it than I did afterwards lol I told him that at one point his face had started to turn purple and he says "You should have videotaped that" ... NOT funny Andy! (lol)

Another time I was sitting here in my living room, on the couch about 5ft from Layne sleeping in his swing. My eyes must have played tricks on me because I looked over at him & he looked so peaceful ... TOO peaceful if you get where I'm going. My heart started to race & I slowly went over to the swing. I stood their kind of paralyzed wondering if this was really happening. I finally felt some reliefe after I heard him breathing.

I'm not psycho ... just damaged. I think I have PTSD to be honest.

Time is my enemy

How is it that time has the ability to fly by so quickly, yet some events feel like the happened yesterday? I feel like it's been forever since I've held Landan in my arms, yet it seems like it was just yesterday that he passed away. I hate that. Once November 16th passes us by this year, Landan will have been gone longer than he was alive. It doesn't make sense. It feels like the time I spent with him was an eternity ... but the time without him has flown by.

I've probably said this a million times, but I still have acceptance issues with Landan's death. I don't know, maybe "acceptance" isn't the right word. I've accepted that he's gone ... but I still can't believe it. I can't believe that this is my life, a life as a bereaved mother who's always missing her precious first born son. I don't even think I could describe the pain even if I tried. It always broke my heart to read about the death of a child. I'd shed tears of sadness for the child's parents. Now people do that because of us. Wow ... Unbelievable. I can't believe that I've gone through such a tramatic event at such a young age.

I miss you bebe - More than anything I've ever missed before. Anytime, before you died, when I thought life was bad ... WHAT A JOKE! This is bad, now I can say with 100% truth that - Life is not fair! I realize that one day I'll have answers as to why you had to die. But I don't even think I'll have to ask when I get to Heaven, I think I'll just suddenly know the answers. I would give anything to see you interacting with your brother, Layne. I'm sure that you've already played with him - but I've been cheated out of seeing that. I show Layne your pictires, talk about how beautiful you are. Layne even has a Build-A-Bear with your beautiful singing voice on it. Mama has one of those too! I can't wait for Layne to pick up your pictures & know who you are, I can't wait to see finger prints on the glass of your curio because Layne want's to look at his big brothers things. We'll never forget you - I'd never, ever want to! How could anyone forget about their soul mate?

Under Construction

New look & feel coming soon.

Updates

Why am I so bad at keeping this thing updated? Maybe it's because I'm addicted to MySpace & spend my time posting everything their! Ahh lol

For updates: myspace.com/mommalacey

I have an amazing hubby!

Taken from Myspace blog: August 7, 2008

I don't really talk too much about Andy sometimes, or how lucky I am to have the amazing hubby that I do.

We've had our share of hard times, thats no understatement. I'm sure he struggled after Landan passed away because for awhile I grew farther & farther away from him. Our fighting got really bad for awhile, and the cruel things I said to protect my own emotions got meaner & meaner. But even through that all he never stopped loving or supporting me when I needed him the most.

As most of you know, I've struggled with anxiety for almost a year now. It started as the anniversary of Landans death got closer & closer. I was terrified that I was dying & scared of dying (I still am.) I cried & begged Andy to take me to the ER because I thought I was going to have a heart attack. They did an EKG, and everything was fine. I struggled with all the asspects of anxiety. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down, I kept throwing up, had horrible acid reflux & heartburn, heart papaltations, shortness of breath, hot flashes, etc. I went to the my regular doctor two days in a row. I just couldn't get a grip. My doctor assured me that I was fine, perfectly healthy & nothing was wrong with my heart. He told me (in not so many words) that I needed to get a grip because he didn't want to have to see me hospitalized. He told me that I would lose all control over my life if that happend. They'd force me to eat & take medications to control my anxiety. I didn't want that to happen either! Thinking about that helped me control things a little bit. The anxiety got a little easier to manage & started only coming once a month for awhile.

I started going to my moms house at 5am in the morning, even if Andy didn't work, or didn't work until the next afternoon. I associate my moms house as my "comfort zone" their are alot of people here ... My mom, stepdad & two younger sisters. So I did this for awhile, then when my anxiety got better I started staying at the apartment again.

As most of you don't know, only my closest friends know that now I reguarly stay at my moms house. Even if Andy doesn't work the next day, but I'm so used to this I'm having a hard time breaking the habit. I've tried to stay at the apartment with Andy, but I end up feeling very anxious & return to my moms. Andy is so supportive that he's left his comfort zone (our apartment) and has come to stay with my at my moms on MANY, MANY occassions! When I have anxiety I "need" Andy! Andy used to have some anxiety issues when he was younger, although he worried about different things, he understands where I'm coming from and is an easy & understanding person to talk to when I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what I'd do without him! As I type this right now, Andy is sleeping upstairs in my sisters room (she's at a friends house) because I was having some anxiety & needed him here. Even though he has to work at 7am, and has been asleep for many hours it helps to know that he is here if I need him.

I'm very glad that we've become closer & stronger as a couple. I know Landan wouldn't have wanted us to divorce because of his death. Andy loved Landan as his own son & Landan loved Andy as his "E"! We are a family, & always will be. Andy tells me all the time that he loves his family, and his family is - Me, Landan & Layne. He loves his wife & his boys so much! He's a big teddy bear & such a sweet man. I know he'll be very touched to read this, because it isn't often that I confess my love to him! He knows I love him though, I just have a hard time being "emotional" and sharing that side of me.

Anyways, I've literally gone on & on about this! But I just thought I'd share with everyone how much I love my hubby!

-Lacey-

Preschool

Taken from Myspace blog: August 5, 2008

Well it's August already. Landan is almost 5yrs old! Gosh, such a big boy. I wonder who he'd be today, the same amazing, happy little boy I'm sure! Landan was so smart & advanced I'm sure he would have been attending preschool this year. I would have been shopping for the perfect bookbag & school supplies, getting new clothes for school, and sending my big boy off into the world for the first time! I can't help but to think of all the things I'll be missing out on with Landan, but all that started the day he passed away. All the little homework projects, papers graded with smily face stickers, and the crafts that he would have been bringing home to display so proudly! How can the world be so cruel? Ugh I miss him so much!

Sometimes I wonder ...

Taken from Myspace blog: July 18, 2008

If anyone that came into contact with Landan during the time he was sick remembers him. Like today, I was behind a Rossford ambulance. I wonder how they felt after they found out that Landan passed away. We're they just scare because they were worried that they would get sick, or were they sad that this precious little guy hadn't survived? I wonder the same thing about the nurses & dr that took care of Landan. I DO know that nurses remember treating him, or remember him being in the hospital.

We went to a rememberance service that was put on by the hospital about a year after Landan passed away. I talked to a few of the different nurses & they remembered seeing him. One nurse in particular, I think she was the head nurse of the PICU was their. She was the one who promised me that after we left, she would stay with Landan so he didn't have to be alone downstairs. I know I've said before how touching that was, and how much that ment to me. I collected the courage to speak with her when I saw her that day. I told her I wasn't sure if she remembered me & Landan, and she told me that yes she did. I told her that I just wanted to let her know how much it ment to me that she offered to stay with Landan after we left, and that I would never forget that. I think she was touched. It made me feel so much better to let her know my appreciation.

As a lesson ... If someone touches your life, make sure you let them know. I'm sure they will never forget the things you have to say to them.



UPDATE: August 23, 2008
Earlier this week my mom shared something with me. My mom works in a Rite Aid pharmacy. One of her customers is also the mother of one of the paramedics that came to our home the day I called 911. She told my mom that her son & the rest of the paramedics were saddened to learn of Landans passing & were/are still affected by that. I imagine they were saddened to learn that such a young, beautiful & precious little boy passed away. I told my mom to thank her for sharing that information as it has answered one of the many questions I have.

The problem with YouTube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yAkBSrMk0

How cute is this video? Yet we still have sick people posting comments like these about this adorable little boy.

CSEKTION (8 hours ago)
If that was my kid, I'd tape a? plastic bag over his head and step on his belly.

CSEKTION (5 hours ago)
kid should choke on his own buhlud and duh-ie

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The stupid & pathetic things that come out of peoples mouths sometimes NEVER ceases to amaze me! I mean honestly ... wtf is wrong with the person that posted those things? And the sad part about it is ... who knows if he'll ever answer to those things. I hope so.

Im sorry but I think YouTube needs to crack down a little bit. It's not just this video, but I swear on just about every video someone has to post a stupid & hurtful comment. Some worse than others obviously! Just about the only way to avoid comments is by now allowing them. YouTube doesn't even have a place where you can report one of their users. If you know how I can do that, please let me know, because I haven't figured it out as of this point! You can report someones video, but thats the only thing I've found recently. I like YouTube & I'll continue to post my videos their, because it's the easiest place to do so, just think they need to be cracking down on the comments people leave & be deleting users for the shit they say!

Landans Medical Records (taken from myspace)

October 26, 2007

I went and got Landans medical records today ... here is the ER Dr.s notes.
"This is a 3-year-old male who presented to our ER from Rossford. We really did not get any call prior to the patient coming in. When this patient arrived the nurse went in to get report from the ambulance from Rossford. She was talking to them and she turned around and looked at the child, saw that the child looked very significantly ill, immediatly came and got me and another nurse. We walked into the room, assesed the patient. Concern initially was with the patient's appearance, again, he did look very sick. He looked like he was in shock, a rash that was consistant with meningococcal type of rash. We immediatly tried for IC access, but the patient appeared to be in signs of shock and we were unable to get an IV.
I contacted the peds hospitalist. The message was conveyed though another nurse about our concerns about this patient being very ill and they told us to bring the child up to the pediatric intensive care unit, and he was taken up there.
The total time that we were with the patient in the ER was approximately 15 minutes from the time he got here to when he went upstairs.
Mom states that the child has no past history of any health problems, he has no allergies. She gave him some atipyretics for a fever that he had yesterday and he maybe had a little bit of some fever and not feeling well yesterday, but nothing else significantly abnormal that she reported. He has not been around any sick contacts, doesn't go to day care. The child was feeling ill. She states that he slept with her last night. She saw him early in the morning, he didn't seem to be abnormal early this morning, but when she woke up he was on the floor. She called the ambulance. When they got here, they picked him up and brought him into the emergency department.
When you look at him he is tachycardiac. He is very pale, cold skin. We did a rectal temp which was 38 *C. He had had diarrhea. There was stool all over his extremities. It also looked like maybe he had had some emesis. He had a purple rash on the skin noted. It did not blanch. A purple rash noted on his face, his ears, his chest, back, arms, and legs. Again, just extensively, very ill appearing child. Very cold extremities, poor capillary refill. Again, with this we attempted a couple IV attempts. I put him on some nonrebreather for support and immediately took him upstairs to the pediatric intensive care unit.
It was noted the child did have a little bit of a cry, very weak, and when you would examine him, touch him, or roll him he did act like he was just in pain from this. Care at this point in time was turned over to Dr. Pierre Vaulthy, pediatric intensive. I did notify the physician on call for Dr. _________ about the patient's critical condition.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS: Illness, rash, rule out meningococcemia
Jessica L. Wilson, M.D."

From the PICU Dr that took care of Landan
"The patient is a three-year-old child who was well until the day before admission when the patient developed what appeared to be an upper respiratory infection, followed and being very tired and lethargic. The patient went to bed and slept by the mother's side overnight. At 6:00 in the morning on 11/15/06, the patient had a bottle of juice and subsequently three hours later, the mother woke him up and found him to have a rash all over his body. She brought the patient immediatly to the Emergency Room at Toledo Hospital and was transferred immediately by the Emergency Room physician to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit where on arrival the patient is noted to have a hemorrhagic rash throughout his skin. The patient has had perfusion of the extremities. The patient is awake, but somewhat moribund. The patient immediately had IV's inserted, blood culture was obtained and immediately thereafter the patient was given IV Claforan and IV steroids. The patient was then subsequently intubated and a subclavian line was inserted into the left subclavian vein. The patient was noted to have significant hypotension and was placed initially on Dopamine followed by Epinephrine drip followed by _________ drip and then the Dopamine was discontinued. The patient initially had no urine output, but developed some urine output after starting Lasix and using pressors.
PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Really noncontributory. The patient has not had any previous significant illnesses. No hospitalizations. No known allergies. The patient is followed by Dr. John Dvorak in his office.
FAMILY HISTORY: His father has hemophilia A.
REVIEW OF SYSTEMS: Essentially normal for him other than most recently developed an upper respiratory infection without a cough, a rash on his skin. Cardiac, neuromuscular, skeletal, edocrine, reproductive were all within normal limits.
PHSYICAL EXAMINATION:VITAL SIGNS: On admission the patient has a temperature of 38.1 degrees C, pulse of 174, respiratory rate of 35, blood pressure of 75/23, weight of approximately 18kg, height of 97 centimeter.
HEENT: Pupils equal, reactive to light and accomodate. There is a range of motion. Ala are patent. Tympanic membranes are within normal limits. Oropharynx is dusky as are the lips and mucous membrane. Trachea midline.
CHEST: Clear to auscultation and percussion. No retractions.
COR: Normal sinus rhythm. S1 is equal to S2. Pulses are peripherally very weak.
ABDOMEN: Flat abdomen without organomegaly.
GENITOURINARY: Normal male genitalia.
INTEGUMENT: Hemorrhagic rash throughout the body with distal peripheral cyanosis.
NEUROLOGIC: The patient is moribund and responds only to pain.
IMPRESSION: Meningococcemia sepsis
The patient's condition is critical
Pierre A. Vaulthy, M.D."

And this is kind of the whole overview of the time Landan was in the PICU
"HOSPITAL COURSE: The patient is a 3-year-old white male who is transferred from the emergency room immediately upon arrival to the emergency room with obvious meningococcemia sepsis. The patient arrived in a Peds ICU provided with immediate IV access given steroids and IV antibiotics. The patient then was intubated. A central line was inserted. The patient continued to develop significan hypotension with vasopressors. The patient was placed on milrinone after failure with epinephrine. The patient during the night was stable including awakening during treatment of his severe peripheral cyanosis and lack of perfusion utilizing hyperbaric therapy. The patient was able to recieve 2 tretments without incident in the morning. At 0630, the patient was developing increasing difficulty with keeping his pressure up. He had excellent blood gases but was metabolically acidotic. The highest blood pressure obtainable despite being on epinephrine and milrinone was approximately 30/5. Boluses of fluid were unsuccessful in maintaining the pressure head. Despite maximum support, the patients heart stopped. CPR was not successful. The patients eyes were fixed and dilated and the patient was declared dead at 8:15 a.m.
CAUSE OF DEATH: Gram-negative sepsis due to meningococcemia. The immediate contacts of the family have been provided with appropriate ciprofloxacin therapy. Anyone other than the immediate family was told to see their primary care physicians for prophylaxis with ciprogfloxacin. The primary care physician was notified of the death and we sat down with the family after the patient passed away.
Pierre A. Vaulthy, M.D."

So if you made it this far .... thank you for doing so. Everything hasn't hit me yet, but boy is it hard to read (even type) the things I have thus far. I wish this was all untrue & Landan was still here. I still have blame for not getting him to the hospital sooner, he might still be here.
-Lacey-

A year ago 11/16/06 (taken from myspace)

A heart of gold stopped beating.Two willing hands at rest.God broke our hearts to prove to us.He only takes the best.
I think that poem sums up alot. Landan went into cardiac arrest with us outside his room & was pronounced dead at 8:15am. I remember like it was yesterday. I stood their thinking he's going to be fine! They will start his heart and he'll be ok! I had my hand over my mouth just waiting for his heart to start again, just in disbelief of the events unfolding right infront of my eyes. My mom was in more hystarics than I was because I was just in complete shock. She begged the nurse to tell him that his family was here, she didn't want him to think he was alone. Looking back ... I think he was gone before we could realize it. How do things like this happen? And why? I ask those questions daily, even though I know I wont recieve the answer until I myself, walk through the gates of Heaven.
A year ago today, the people left at the hospital were: Shane & Michelle, Andys mom, my mom & step dad ... at 6:30am when Landans BP was unstable I called my Dad & stepmom at the hotel and told them they needed to come back, he wasn't doing good.
When Landans heart stopped the people that were right their outside his doors were Landans dad, my dad & step mom, and stepdad. My mom had went down the hall to the waiting room and I'd stepped outside the PICU doors to call my friend and let her know that his BP was rising again. Thats when my step mom came running out and said I needed to get back in their and she ran down the hall to get my mom .... Is I quickly walked back in I asked my dad what was going on, and he told me Landans heart had stopped and they were doing chest compressions. My mom was on the phone with her friend and said she had to go, Landans heart stopped. I think her friend started crying instantly.
After the dr took us in the room next to Landan and told us he was gone ... we walked into his room. The nurse was gently removing all his IV's & tubes, and asked if we wanted to hold him. Soon after that a rocking chair was brought into is room, Landan was wrapped up in baby blankets and handed gently into my arms. I softly rocked my baby back & forth, still not realizing what was going on! My mom told me I didn't cry until I looked up to her and said "Mom, I dont want to go home without him" God is that true. Andy called my friend Kristin with the devistating news and she came right away, I could already tell she'd been crying on the drive. My step dad went and picked up my two sisters from school, Im pretty sure they started crying immediately when they saw my step dads face, because they just knew Landan was gone.
I dont remember the order of people who held Landan that day, but they were, me, my mom, Andy, my bf Kristin, my dad, my sister Lakin, Rob, his sisters, his mom & dad. So many people were in and out of the room during the 5hrs we had with him. And I held him numerous times. As I said, I remember these few days like they happend yesterday.
One special nurse sticks out of my head, because she left me with peace when I had to leave the hospital ... peace that, even though Landan was already gone, she would still take care of him for me. She assured me that she would stay with Landan until the funeral home came to pick him up, so he wouldn't just be alone somewhere in the basement! God, what a kind thing to do for me, and I will never forget that!
I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my broken heart for the love & thoughtfullness you've shown me today & in the days approaching Landans angelversary. Im lucky to have wonderful friends like yourselves because I know some dont have that luxury.
-Landans Mama until forever, Lacey-

A year ago 11/15/05 (taken from myspace)

A year ago today my nightmare began. I woke up at 9am to find Landan on the floor. Im SO angry sometimes I had to go through that morning alone. Waking up and having that panic run through my body instantly! Landan looked like he was already gone. I remember thinking frantically in my head "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" After a few brief seconds I was finally able to see he was still hanging in their! Called 911 ... off to the hospital ...
A year ago today Landan was bravely fighting a deadly bacteria that was too powerful for him to fight against. A friend once said, "he was fighting a battle he couldn't win" but still fought anyway! Im so proud of him for the fight he put up!
So a year ago today we were surrounded by dear family & friends at the hospital. I would like to tell you about the amazing support we had during that time. My best friend Kristin was the first person I called, she left work immediately to come for support, my dad and step mom drove up from 4hrs away, Andys friend Shane & his wife Michelle drove up from 4hrs away, Andys mom drove over from 2hrs away, a few of my moms friends came right over when they heard Landan was in the hospital, my stepdad left work & picked up my younger sisters, and Landans Godparents & their family came that night.
Time went by so quickly a year ago today, I can't pin point exactly what was going on at this moment. Later tonight Landan was given the Anointing of the Sick by a priest from our church, and given his first hyper baric chamber treatment at around 7pm.
Im still anxiety filled today. My stomach is already upset & in knots. I've eaten a little but I need to relax myself so Im able to settle my stomach and eat more! I feel like I have to keep reminding myself DEEP BREATHS LACEY! One foot infront of the other. I just need to CHILL! I know I have every right to be upset, but the stomach ache is just ridiculous! And I know that! Like I said, I KNOW nothing is wrong with me, but with anxiety it's like your head is playing games. Kind of like ... one min it pokes you on the shoulder, then the stomach, then your back ... so it's ALL over the place lol. Last night my back hurt and I was worrying about it ... but SO WHAT! When Im NOT having anxiety and my back hurts I dont get all worked up about it! lol Please pray for me & give me the strength to get over this anxiety shit for a few days so I can focus on beautiful memories of Landan.
Thank you to everyone that has been their for me this past year! Whether it's my friends here, or friends online!

A year ago 11/14/07 (taken from myspace)

A year ago to day my earthly angel was a happy healthy little boy. Well I can't with a 100% say healthy because statistics would tell me that Landan was already infected with the deadly bacteria that took his life. But Landan was completely normal until he woke up early from his nap. I wont repeat his story, because weather your a personal friend, or online friend I assume you've already read it. I thank everyone that that got love Landan, and I thank everyone online that has let Landan into your heart. I doubt I could have made it through this year without you all! The kindness that is shown to me, never ceases to amaze me! You are all a role model to me, you give me a mold to use when someone else is in need!
Im so afraid that people will assume my "greiving period" is over because of the one year mark. But in all honesty ... it has JUST begun. I've YET to come out of the shock phase. I STILL believe Landan is coming back! I have no idea how Im going to make it through the rest of my life without him. He was the center of everyones lives, the apple of our eye! He was spoiled with love, accepted it all, and gave us back just as much love! I can never fully get across what an amazing child I had. I really did have an angel since he was born!
Please forgive me if I skip around from emotion to emotion. Im so damn scatterbrained now-a-days. I've been having anxiety for the past few days. But Thank God that it hasn't been as bad as last time! This time it's just been - my stomach in knots because of worrying, sometimes with a racing heart beat, and things like that. But still (as many know who've had anxiety) you get that overwhelming fear that something serious is wrong, or your near death. My mom thinks that Im questioning my own life, because if Landan can die at 3yrs, then maybe I dont feel as safe anymore. I mean it's not like I didn't know before that children & young adults die everyday. But never have I experienced one so close to me, and so precious to me.
Well Im going to end this here, Im sure their will be more blogs during this time where Im still trying to make sense of everything.
-Lacey-

I'm back

Just a short entry right now ... thanks to Jocelyn & Melissa, I've decided to start blogging on here again! You can check out their blogs on the left in the sidebar.

Right now Im busy customizing my blog so I can get it the way I like. :)


-Lacey, Mama to Angel Landan-

Another bereaved parents wish list.

1. I wish my baby hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My baby's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay, " I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.

Time flys ... but I'm not having fun.

It's coming up on 2mos that Landan has been gone. I still can't believe it's been that long. It almost pisses me off that time has gone by so fast. When he was here it seemed like we had all the time in the world ... the days seemed so long & weeks went by so slowly. Now that he's gone I can't believe how fast time has gone. As I said -- that makes me made. I was talking with my husband the other night & this is how I feel right now about God ... "I might be able to accept him back into my life at some point, but I will never forgive him." Because you know what ... Jesus used to save people from illness, make blind people see, disabled people walk ... and he couldn't have come down off his high horse & save my son?? Just makes me so mad. Errr. I don't want to anyone down I'm still just so mad at God & Jesus ... my son was an angel on earth, they didn't need him in heaven.

I want Landan back! I prayed soooooo hard at the hospital when he was sick, and we had SO many people praying for him ... I'm sure well around 100 people. And what for? It didn't do a damn bit of good so why should I ever want to pray to God again? I mean whats the point? I guess he wasn't listing that night. Well I'm sorry I didn't know God could just ignore people or just check out for that night. I didn't think it worked that way? I thought God was supposed to be here for us? Listen to us 24/7? Like I said I wasn't asking for material things ... I never did ... I just asked that my son be safe ... well my prayers when unaswered & now I have to suffer the rest of MY life. Landan & I didn't do anything wrong, yet we've been punished. Man I hope there is a heaven, because if I found out there wasn't I wouldn't want to be here any longer. ((sigh))

Well ... I guess I'm done venting for now I feel a headache coming on, ugh!

Welcome

Just posting a quick welcome to those who view my blog. I recently placed the link to this website on Landans memory-of memorial page so expect some visitors. The way this journal works is you start at the bottom of this page & scroll up. So my very first blog is at the bottom & newst blog is at the top.

Thanks for your interest in reading, I open my heart, soul & mind in here so please be kind.

Love, Landans Mama

The Broken Chain

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
the Chain will link again.

I think this poem really connects with me. Landan passed away at 8:15am 11/16/06 -- such a horrible day. The only peaceful thing is I know I'll see my little boy one day. As I've said many times, I just wish I knew how much longer I was going to suffer here without him.

I really don't know whats been going on with me latly -- I'm just so distant & depressed alot. I just wish this wasn't the life that I have to live, I don't want to live without Landan. But I know I have no choice. Killing myself isnt the answer -- but I can say I'm not afraid of death anymore.

Another thing I was thinking about -- how to I describe (should someone ask) what it's like to have held my 3yr old angel in my arms after he passed. I do know it was a surreal feeling, I couldn't believe I was really doing this. Even watching the pain in everyone elses face that held him that day. It was so hard to watch. I was the first & last one to hold him -- I wouldn't have had it anyother way. But laying my son, my baby, my only child down on the hospital bed was so hard. I didn't want to leave him. I can't believe I saw him like that. Landan was perfect, so handsome & beautiful. People often said "he's too beautiful to be a boy" My son was so handsome, everyone thought that. He was still beautiful to me after he was gone, still my "bebe", and still my little special angel.

About holding Landan -- the wrapped him up in blankets & handed him to me. I was sitting in a rocking chair they'd brought in. They handed him to me & I just sat, cried & rocked my baby boy. I rememberd in my head at times when he was still alive I would hold him like a baby & say "awww my little bebe" & he would giggle. A smile & giggle I will never hear again.

I'm honestly lost without Landan. I sit here and I'm angry at writing this. I shouldn't be sitting here in this postition writting about losing Landan. I should be blogging about his christmas, or birthday. What am I going to do on mothers day? my birthday? easter? the 4th of july? and his birthday? ((Cries)) Life is cruel & I'm mad at God for taking Landan. He was too beautiful to be an angel . . . God only takes the best you say? Well there are alot of other good people in this world that have lived life. Landan hadn't dammit! His life was stolen from him! He had a beautiful future ahead of him -- I'll never get to watch his first day of school, see him play sports, watch him grow up, graduate high school or college, become a man, have a girlfriend, get married, or have kids. Cruel, cruel world.

I wish I knew what to do to honor my sons memory. His precious memory. I feel like everyone has moved on except me . . . I want to talk about Landan all the time, why dont you? Ask me about Landan -- I still love him. Like the books say -- if I cry when you talk about Landan it's because I'm so happy he was apart of my life.

((Sigh)) I guess I'm done with my venting for the night . . .