Tuesday, February 5, 2008

A year ago 11/16/06 (taken from myspace)

A heart of gold stopped beating.Two willing hands at rest.God broke our hearts to prove to us.He only takes the best.
I think that poem sums up alot. Landan went into cardiac arrest with us outside his room & was pronounced dead at 8:15am. I remember like it was yesterday. I stood their thinking he's going to be fine! They will start his heart and he'll be ok! I had my hand over my mouth just waiting for his heart to start again, just in disbelief of the events unfolding right infront of my eyes. My mom was in more hystarics than I was because I was just in complete shock. She begged the nurse to tell him that his family was here, she didn't want him to think he was alone. Looking back ... I think he was gone before we could realize it. How do things like this happen? And why? I ask those questions daily, even though I know I wont recieve the answer until I myself, walk through the gates of Heaven.
A year ago today, the people left at the hospital were: Shane & Michelle, Andys mom, my mom & step dad ... at 6:30am when Landans BP was unstable I called my Dad & stepmom at the hotel and told them they needed to come back, he wasn't doing good.
When Landans heart stopped the people that were right their outside his doors were Landans dad, my dad & step mom, and stepdad. My mom had went down the hall to the waiting room and I'd stepped outside the PICU doors to call my friend and let her know that his BP was rising again. Thats when my step mom came running out and said I needed to get back in their and she ran down the hall to get my mom .... Is I quickly walked back in I asked my dad what was going on, and he told me Landans heart had stopped and they were doing chest compressions. My mom was on the phone with her friend and said she had to go, Landans heart stopped. I think her friend started crying instantly.
After the dr took us in the room next to Landan and told us he was gone ... we walked into his room. The nurse was gently removing all his IV's & tubes, and asked if we wanted to hold him. Soon after that a rocking chair was brought into is room, Landan was wrapped up in baby blankets and handed gently into my arms. I softly rocked my baby back & forth, still not realizing what was going on! My mom told me I didn't cry until I looked up to her and said "Mom, I dont want to go home without him" God is that true. Andy called my friend Kristin with the devistating news and she came right away, I could already tell she'd been crying on the drive. My step dad went and picked up my two sisters from school, Im pretty sure they started crying immediately when they saw my step dads face, because they just knew Landan was gone.
I dont remember the order of people who held Landan that day, but they were, me, my mom, Andy, my bf Kristin, my dad, my sister Lakin, Rob, his sisters, his mom & dad. So many people were in and out of the room during the 5hrs we had with him. And I held him numerous times. As I said, I remember these few days like they happend yesterday.
One special nurse sticks out of my head, because she left me with peace when I had to leave the hospital ... peace that, even though Landan was already gone, she would still take care of him for me. She assured me that she would stay with Landan until the funeral home came to pick him up, so he wouldn't just be alone somewhere in the basement! God, what a kind thing to do for me, and I will never forget that!
I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my broken heart for the love & thoughtfullness you've shown me today & in the days approaching Landans angelversary. Im lucky to have wonderful friends like yourselves because I know some dont have that luxury.
-Landans Mama until forever, Lacey-

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