Saturday, January 24, 2009

When you've been ...

thought a loss, ever other little event can seem so scary & tramatic!

All the time I worry about losing someone else that is important to me. My brain & eyes play tricks on me as well. It's no way to live that's for sure.

Last night Andy was eating pizza & I asked him a question while he was chewing. He started choaking on his food. He walked into the kitchen where I was & was gagging like he was going to throw up. He was then leaning over the sink gasping for air, I instinctively pounded my fist on his back because I thought he was choking ... his face had started to turn purple. He could breath out, but couldn't breath in. He finally got himself calmed down & was able to breath. Ugh it was scary. I always think ahead in a situation ... I pictured myself having to attempt the heimlich maneuver on him & then calling 911. But he had a better outlook on it than I did afterwards lol I told him that at one point his face had started to turn purple and he says "You should have videotaped that" ... NOT funny Andy! (lol)

Another time I was sitting here in my living room, on the couch about 5ft from Layne sleeping in his swing. My eyes must have played tricks on me because I looked over at him & he looked so peaceful ... TOO peaceful if you get where I'm going. My heart started to race & I slowly went over to the swing. I stood their kind of paralyzed wondering if this was really happening. I finally felt some reliefe after I heard him breathing.

I'm not psycho ... just damaged. I think I have PTSD to be honest.


L~ said...

You aren't crazy- I have tried to find information to help parents who have been through a trauma with a child, but there isn't any. thre aren't any studies to show what it does to a mom when she has to hand her child over to strangers to try to 'fix' them...I hear you. You aren't alone.

MissingLandan said...

Thanks so much for your comment, I really appreciate it!

You made a good point with the studies though - Maybe they need to consider something like that!

Thanks again <3


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