Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I don't accept it

It can't be real, how can it be that such a sweet, precious boy not be here with his family? I can't wrap my head around this. I want him back! I miss him so much, I hate living without him. Please don't think I'm a horrible mom because I miss him so much. I really am greatful that Layne is in our lives now. His sweet little face brings happiness to me again - But their is always a piece of my heart missing, Landan took that piece to Heaven with him when he passed away. I really can't believe this is the life that I have to live now. I'm positive I've said that a million times now! I know he's gone - But I don't want to believe it. You'd think, after two years, it would be easier to understand. But understanding why children die will never happen. Atleast not while I'm on earth. I look forward to the day when I get to Heaven so I can wrap my arms around my precious little angel!

You know being a parent that has lost a child, alot of things change. At the age of 21yrs I became a bereaved parent & the owner of my own burial plot. I can't believe it. My husband & I have burial plots right next to Landan ... ALREADY! Landan's dad also has one on the other side of Landan & my mom & stepdad are behind Landan.

I could say all day on here that I miss Landan ... I miss him, I MISS him ... I MISS HIM!

Dear God - I've never asked for money, or fame. Can you please rewind time & give me my bebe back? I miss him more than anything & the hole in my heart hurt's so much. I promise to be the best mother & wife I can be. Maybe if you won't let him come back - Could I talk to him on the phone? Or maybe I could come visit him on holidays? I know that even if I could do those things, it would still be too hard to bear that he's not with us daily. I feel so lost without him. He's my soulmate! I need him in my life. As you know, Landan is a big brother now! It pains me that he's not here to physically play the big brother role. I feel like Layne is missing out on knowing such an amazing person! But I know I will tell Layne all about his big brother & what an amazing person he is. Landan is our little, brave hero. If I can't see him, please God - Give him all my love, kisses & hugs. My arms ache without him in them. I miss you so much bebe. I YUV YOU!

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