Friday, January 23, 2009

Time is my enemy

How is it that time has the ability to fly by so quickly, yet some events feel like the happened yesterday? I feel like it's been forever since I've held Landan in my arms, yet it seems like it was just yesterday that he passed away. I hate that. Once November 16th passes us by this year, Landan will have been gone longer than he was alive. It doesn't make sense. It feels like the time I spent with him was an eternity ... but the time without him has flown by.

I've probably said this a million times, but I still have acceptance issues with Landan's death. I don't know, maybe "acceptance" isn't the right word. I've accepted that he's gone ... but I still can't believe it. I can't believe that this is my life, a life as a bereaved mother who's always missing her precious first born son. I don't even think I could describe the pain even if I tried. It always broke my heart to read about the death of a child. I'd shed tears of sadness for the child's parents. Now people do that because of us. Wow ... Unbelievable. I can't believe that I've gone through such a tramatic event at such a young age.

I miss you bebe - More than anything I've ever missed before. Anytime, before you died, when I thought life was bad ... WHAT A JOKE! This is bad, now I can say with 100% truth that - Life is not fair! I realize that one day I'll have answers as to why you had to die. But I don't even think I'll have to ask when I get to Heaven, I think I'll just suddenly know the answers. I would give anything to see you interacting with your brother, Layne. I'm sure that you've already played with him - but I've been cheated out of seeing that. I show Layne your pictires, talk about how beautiful you are. Layne even has a Build-A-Bear with your beautiful singing voice on it. Mama has one of those too! I can't wait for Layne to pick up your pictures & know who you are, I can't wait to see finger prints on the glass of your curio because Layne want's to look at his big brothers things. We'll never forget you - I'd never, ever want to! How could anyone forget about their soul mate?

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