Saturday, January 6, 2007

The Broken Chain

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
the Chain will link again.

I think this poem really connects with me. Landan passed away at 8:15am 11/16/06 -- such a horrible day. The only peaceful thing is I know I'll see my little boy one day. As I've said many times, I just wish I knew how much longer I was going to suffer here without him.

I really don't know whats been going on with me latly -- I'm just so distant & depressed alot. I just wish this wasn't the life that I have to live, I don't want to live without Landan. But I know I have no choice. Killing myself isnt the answer -- but I can say I'm not afraid of death anymore.

Another thing I was thinking about -- how to I describe (should someone ask) what it's like to have held my 3yr old angel in my arms after he passed. I do know it was a surreal feeling, I couldn't believe I was really doing this. Even watching the pain in everyone elses face that held him that day. It was so hard to watch. I was the first & last one to hold him -- I wouldn't have had it anyother way. But laying my son, my baby, my only child down on the hospital bed was so hard. I didn't want to leave him. I can't believe I saw him like that. Landan was perfect, so handsome & beautiful. People often said "he's too beautiful to be a boy" My son was so handsome, everyone thought that. He was still beautiful to me after he was gone, still my "bebe", and still my little special angel.

About holding Landan -- the wrapped him up in blankets & handed him to me. I was sitting in a rocking chair they'd brought in. They handed him to me & I just sat, cried & rocked my baby boy. I rememberd in my head at times when he was still alive I would hold him like a baby & say "awww my little bebe" & he would giggle. A smile & giggle I will never hear again.

I'm honestly lost without Landan. I sit here and I'm angry at writing this. I shouldn't be sitting here in this postition writting about losing Landan. I should be blogging about his christmas, or birthday. What am I going to do on mothers day? my birthday? easter? the 4th of july? and his birthday? ((Cries)) Life is cruel & I'm mad at God for taking Landan. He was too beautiful to be an angel . . . God only takes the best you say? Well there are alot of other good people in this world that have lived life. Landan hadn't dammit! His life was stolen from him! He had a beautiful future ahead of him -- I'll never get to watch his first day of school, see him play sports, watch him grow up, graduate high school or college, become a man, have a girlfriend, get married, or have kids. Cruel, cruel world.

I wish I knew what to do to honor my sons memory. His precious memory. I feel like everyone has moved on except me . . . I want to talk about Landan all the time, why dont you? Ask me about Landan -- I still love him. Like the books say -- if I cry when you talk about Landan it's because I'm so happy he was apart of my life.

((Sigh)) I guess I'm done with my venting for the night . . .

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