Saturday, August 23, 2008

I have an amazing hubby!

Taken from Myspace blog: August 7, 2008

I don't really talk too much about Andy sometimes, or how lucky I am to have the amazing hubby that I do.

We've had our share of hard times, thats no understatement. I'm sure he struggled after Landan passed away because for awhile I grew farther & farther away from him. Our fighting got really bad for awhile, and the cruel things I said to protect my own emotions got meaner & meaner. But even through that all he never stopped loving or supporting me when I needed him the most.

As most of you know, I've struggled with anxiety for almost a year now. It started as the anniversary of Landans death got closer & closer. I was terrified that I was dying & scared of dying (I still am.) I cried & begged Andy to take me to the ER because I thought I was going to have a heart attack. They did an EKG, and everything was fine. I struggled with all the asspects of anxiety. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down, I kept throwing up, had horrible acid reflux & heartburn, heart papaltations, shortness of breath, hot flashes, etc. I went to the my regular doctor two days in a row. I just couldn't get a grip. My doctor assured me that I was fine, perfectly healthy & nothing was wrong with my heart. He told me (in not so many words) that I needed to get a grip because he didn't want to have to see me hospitalized. He told me that I would lose all control over my life if that happend. They'd force me to eat & take medications to control my anxiety. I didn't want that to happen either! Thinking about that helped me control things a little bit. The anxiety got a little easier to manage & started only coming once a month for awhile.

I started going to my moms house at 5am in the morning, even if Andy didn't work, or didn't work until the next afternoon. I associate my moms house as my "comfort zone" their are alot of people here ... My mom, stepdad & two younger sisters. So I did this for awhile, then when my anxiety got better I started staying at the apartment again.

As most of you don't know, only my closest friends know that now I reguarly stay at my moms house. Even if Andy doesn't work the next day, but I'm so used to this I'm having a hard time breaking the habit. I've tried to stay at the apartment with Andy, but I end up feeling very anxious & return to my moms. Andy is so supportive that he's left his comfort zone (our apartment) and has come to stay with my at my moms on MANY, MANY occassions! When I have anxiety I "need" Andy! Andy used to have some anxiety issues when he was younger, although he worried about different things, he understands where I'm coming from and is an easy & understanding person to talk to when I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what I'd do without him! As I type this right now, Andy is sleeping upstairs in my sisters room (she's at a friends house) because I was having some anxiety & needed him here. Even though he has to work at 7am, and has been asleep for many hours it helps to know that he is here if I need him.

I'm very glad that we've become closer & stronger as a couple. I know Landan wouldn't have wanted us to divorce because of his death. Andy loved Landan as his own son & Landan loved Andy as his "E"! We are a family, & always will be. Andy tells me all the time that he loves his family, and his family is - Me, Landan & Layne. He loves his wife & his boys so much! He's a big teddy bear & such a sweet man. I know he'll be very touched to read this, because it isn't often that I confess my love to him! He knows I love him though, I just have a hard time being "emotional" and sharing that side of me.

Anyways, I've literally gone on & on about this! But I just thought I'd share with everyone how much I love my hubby!



Forever Missing My Blaine said...

Hello. I just found your website while trying to find some bereaved mothers' words of encouragement while I have another ridiculously hard moment. My heart bleeds for you and your broken heart. I am so sorry you must know this pain. Just wanted to thank you for your website and wish I could fix everything that's just wrong for you. My baby Blaine was only 5 years old when he died 8 months ago. Now I live in hell. I am so sorry for you, as much as I'm sure you've already heard those words so many times they don't really mean a damn thing some days. My heart is broken. I just wish this was over. No one ever "found out" what killed my boy. I do not have a death certificate. He was fine, suddenly died, his heart just stopped, he just quit breathing, and that was it. I know this shouldn't be about me, I just wanted to let you know that my heart bleeds too, or what is left of my heart. I do not know why it still even beats, as much as I feel dead. I am angry at God, too. So I will not say to you "God bless you." Just wish you didn't know this pain. Thanks again for sharing all of your words and having the courage to type them all.

Lissa Lane said...

Any is such a sweet guy. I wish I could meet him irl and not just through you sweetie.

I'll talk to you this evening!! Loves ya!!
Melissa THE GREAT AND POWERFUL (lol or not)


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