Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Love You Forever

For some reason this quote popped into my head when I was thinking about how much I love my kids.
"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
If anyone has never heard that quote before, are you living under a rock? Just kidding of course! Got to add some light humor in case the remainder of the blog gets too heavy. We'll see I guess.

I can't count how many times a day I just sit and watch Layne do cute things. And I am just in awe. In awe of the baby boy that I love so much & hate to see grow up. So many times when I'm watching him, tears well up in my eyes. I'm so thankful to have Layne but miss Landan so much.

Every night before I pray I talk to Landan. Telling him how much I love & miss him and wish he were here with us. I can only daydream about times where our family is complete. Sometimes I let my thoughts get away from me & start thinking of the bad things, like the time in the hospital with Landan or just his death in general. I have to stop myself from getting worked up. I know I've mentioned in the blog previously but I will literally have to yell "STOP" over & over in my head as long as I need to until my mind switches to something else to focus on. Preferably a happier moment of our time with Landan.

I remember the pure hell in the days that followed Landan's death. Everyone went directly to my moms house. It all feels like such a blur, I just couldn't feel anything. No emotion at first, just shock. Andy & I went to the apartment that night to gather our things & some of Landan's things for the funeral. Before I went anywhere in the apartment I went straight to the computer so I could tell my close friends about Landan's death. I knew if I didn't do that first, I might not be able to after things hit me at the apartment. I know Andy tried to be supportive, but I was numb & didn't want his affection. I didn't want to be touched. I cried alone as I laid on Landan's bed. Then I went into our bedroom and cried on my bed holding Landan's pillow that his sweet little head slept just a few nights prior. I even laid on the floor, where I found his sickly body in hopes that I might get sick & die to. Honestly, I felt like Juliet laying their begging for something to be leftover to help my body follow Landan into death.

We went back to my moms and I hung around awhile making arrangements for Landan's funeral with family friends that were their to help us. Then I went upstairs to sleep for a few hours. I'd only slept maybe an hour in the past 24+ hours. It felt so lonely when I woke up because everyone was gone, it was dark & still raining. The next day family arrived & everyone was staying at my moms house. Even in a house, full of people I still felt so alone. I didn't sleep well at all. Two queen sized air mattresses were on the floor in my moms living room, I slept alone on one of them & Andy slept next to me on the couch. I woke him up frequently throughout the night to go outside & cry without waking anyone else. I vented my fresh anger at God & my disbelief that this was really happening to us, that Landan was gone.

I don't remember anything anyone said to me at the funeral home visitation or what I said to them. I just remember the faces of some of the people that came to give us their condolences and pay respect to Landan. It was a full house, which isn't unheard of when the death is that of a young child. It breaks so many hearts and is so, unnatural.

So back to the quote
"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

It's so true. Plain and simple. Except I'd like to add some words to put a new perspective on it.

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living and wherever you are, my baby you'll be"

3 days down, 87 to go.


Dyana said...

Love the quote Lacey. I can totally relate to having to yell stop to get the bad thoughts to go away, mine usually like to hit when Im in bed. Its been almost 6 years and I still have that, not as often or as bad as before, but it still happens and Im pretty sure it probably will for the rest of my life, the aftermath of a traumatic situation. I have always told myself I just want to remember the good stuff, and always try to focus on a happy memory that we had. Whether I say it or not I continue to think of both of you often. ♥ ((HUGS))

MissingLandan said...

I'm almost always in bed when it happens to me too. I always think of the both of you as well ♥


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