Landan's 10th Birthday - How time changes things

On Saturday, August 17th we celebrated Landan's 10th Birthday. How insane to know he would be ten years old. The last time I saw, held & kiss my first born son was when he was three years old. Wow. Time flies. 

It's almost been seven years since he's been gone. I remember during the first year or two after he died I would listen to the ladies at support group who were further down the road. It was hard because I didn't want to be so many years away from the last time I saw my sweet boy. Here I am, almost seven years down the road. Walking in a pair of shoes I didn't ask for & certainly don't want to be in. I don't want to be the mom who lost a child. But I know that no one does, it's not just me. It wouldn't take me long to compile a list of moms that want their children back too. 

I remember after Landan died I was so worried that people would forget about him. I could never have foreseen all the people around the world who've let Landan into their hearts. It's beyond touching & I'm still in awe when someone tells me a story about how Landan has touched & transformed their life. Landan is making a difference in this world, even from Heaven. 

That being said I can not hide my feelings about this year's participation. The participation in his balloon release consisted of my family only. It's tough to bear when the first two years had such a huge turnout & since has dwindled to what it was this year ... only family. It makes me feel like people are forgetting about Landan or they think, well it has been almost seven years so it's not as important anymore. But it is important. It's important to me, it's important to my family. It didn't go unnoticed the people that didn't even wish Landan a Happy Birthday whom I expected would. It just broke my heart a little. I feel like it would be a disservice to future events for me hide & not express my feelings. And it would be a lie. Maybe people don't realize how big of a deal it is to me which is fine, I wouldn't expect them to. They're not in my shoes. So here I am, yelling it to you! Two days out of the year I thought I could expect participation or a simple "Hey I'm thinking of Landan." I guess I just didn't expect the turnout to dissipate so quickly.

I feel like the ease to write this isn't flowing naturally like it usually does. I can't find the right words to vent my frustrations & sadness. I wish I didn't have to. I wish my son hadn't died & I wish people still participated like they did in the beginning. I'm not trying to come off as ungrateful. I'm more than grateful for those who participated, for those who release balloon's, for those who lit a candle, for those to left kind words & for those who made a graphic. 

If I could choose a word for how I felt at the end of the day it would be defeated. I felt defeated. I felt like I hadn't done a good enough job letting the world know how important the support for Landan is to me even almost seven years later. As I reread those last few lines a poem I'd seen a few years ago came to mind & felt so appropriate to share.

My Mommy

When I left this world it was hard on everyone,

especially my mommy.

The days move on for you,

but not for my mommy.

You may not think of me as much,

but my mommy does.

When your tears stop flowing for me,

my mommy's won't.

When your broken heart heals,

my mommy's won't.

My mommy will never forget me, 

so please don't you.

Here is the video I made this year for Landan's birthday. I haven't made one for many years & Landan turning 10yrs old felt like such a big deal to me that I really wanted to make a video.

Reaching out to other bereaved parents.

As a bereaved mother there have been countless times I've reached out to a another mother. Sometimes I've done it of my own free will and other times someone as asked me to reach out to someone. More times than not my extended arms go untouched. But sometimes I have been able to create lasting bonds with other mothers who understand the loss of a child.

I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt my feelings that attempts to connect are not reciprocated. Especially when it's been multiple times. Even when my grief was fresh I responded to every single message sent to me. Even if I just copy & pasted the same response to everyone or I simply thanked them for thinking of me. It was important to me that I do that, I wanted the person to know that their little thought of my & my angel meant something to me. I'm not by any means trying to say the people who've not responded back to me do not care about my message. Maybe they're not in a place where they feel able to chat about their loss or may be too scared to dive into speaking with another child loss mom. I'm sure we can all remember how fresh & raw our grief was in the very beginning. It doesn't take much reflection to be able to feel those emotion's again, no matter how much time has passed. 

While I was writing the paragraph above I thought I would visit the I Am A Mother To An Angel Facebook page my friend created. I wanted to find a graphic I could include in this post. It's funny sometimes how things work out because this is the graphic that awaited me at the top of the page when I arrived ...

How appropriate is that quote for this topic? I won't lie, it kinda blew my mind a little. Princess Diana's words ring true & I believe it's something we should all remember. Don't do things only to expect something in return. Even though many times I get no response to the messages I send doesn't mean it didn't mean something to the mom on the other end. She may not have the strength to muster a response but maybe just for the few minutes she spent reading my message, she got a little comfort in knowing she's not alone on this road. 

Extend the olive branch my friends & do so without expecting to gain something from it. You've gained something my opening your heart to another person who might need to turn to you down the road.