The new life I'm talking about isn't a fun one filled with joy or anything . . . I'm basically talking about hell. Going home from the hospital seemed so unreal, my best friend drove me . . . I remember saying, this doesn't seem real, I feel like you & I are just hanging out & Landan is home waiting for me. The first night & until now have been the worst I've ever experienced I've become an insomniac.
My daily schedule:
2-3pm ~ I wake up
3pm - 7am ~ I watch tv, researching information about meningitis, perfecting Landans memorial websites, talking to other bereaved parents, etc
7am - 2,3pm ~ SLEEP
So as you can tell my world is upside down/ inside out. It sucks . . . I just can't sleep. Thats when all the thoughts & images of loosing Landan run around crazily inside my head. I'm usually fine during the day because I'm preoccupied by spending time at my moms house, running errands with her, having visits with my closest friends. But it's when my husband is sleeping & I'm forced to be awake by myself that I get upset. For example . . . only a few hours ago it was still December 16th . . . exactly one month since my baby passed away . . . I was crying, looking at pictures of Landan & watching videos of him. I miss him so much! 90% of the time I still can't believe he's gone -- I feel like I'm waiting for him to come back from somewhere.