As I sit here looking though all the pictures on our laptop the question that comes to mind is "it's crazy Landan is here . . . I'll never see him again, but his pictures are still here. They haven't disappeared." I smile as I look through the pictures of sweet little Landan, but it breaks my heart more because I'll never have anymore happy times with Landan. I love him so much. I don't know how I'm going to live without him. I long to hold him in my arms, give him hugs & kisses, watch him sleep, or just to sit with him on the couch & watch cartoons. I would give anything to hear his sweet little voice singing "Take My Breath Away" or "Sexy Back" gosh that was so cute. I get anxious at night sometimes when I think about him . . . I just make myself sick over wanting him back. I've only had one anxity attack, I was laying down to go to sleep & I picture myself standing outside the glass watching the dr & nurses try to revive my baby (cries) and I just felt the emotions all over again like I'm feeling now. I can't get that out of my head . . . seeing MY son dying. GOD!!! WHERE ARE YOU??? I just stood there watching & waiting for his heart to start again. I . . . felt like this was not real . . . I'm not standing here watching this . . . my baby has fought so hard this long . . . please Landan fight, fight, fight. Come back!! Landan got his angel wings 11.16.06 at 8:15am. I wish I could have seen how beautiful he must have looked flying into heaven.
I still go through times where I'm mad at God for taking my son. My husband once said to me while trying to give me comfort, "He's with God now, God is taking care of him." I said "NO! I'm sorry, but I can take better care of him than God. Noone can take better care of a child than their own mother." WHY did it HAVE to be Landan? You can still make heaven beautiful & not take children from there mamas.
WOW -- I have to pause to say this . . . my baby just showed me a sign!!! I have his myspace page open & had paused/stopped the music earlier while I was doing something . . . and just a sec ago the music started again. Aerosmiths "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" Oh I hope that was a sign from my angel in heaven. I YUV YOU BEBE!!!
Speaking of missing a thing -- I wish Landan didn't have to miss out on the rest of his life . . . as I've said & will say a million more times . . . if God would have only ASKED if someone wanted to take his place I wouldn't have hesitated . . . God actually would have had to play "eni meni mini mo" because there was a handful of people who would have gladly left this world for him Among those people . . . myself, my husband, landans dad, & landans nana (my mom) . . . so WHY couldn't it have been one of us?? We've lived life. Yea I've only lived 21yrs of my life but the last 3 have been the best & thats because Landan was in my life. I would rather have watched Landan live a long life from heaven than to NEVER see him grow up.
I can imagian though that Landan would have grown up to be a wonderful, handsome man! He was so smart! I mean gesh at age 3 he could show ME how to play a video game! If mama didn't know how to do something Landan would show me "watch mama" he'd say. Somtimes I would just sit & pretend I was watching him play . . . but I'd really be sitting their watching the look on his face . . . you could see the concentration & the gears turning in his head. Wow . . . amazing! Why take a child with such a bright future??