Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Days are long
I'm not sure exactly who wrote this little poem . . . but it's true.
"A Child that loses a parent is an orphan,
A Man who loses his wife is a widower,
A Woman who loses her husband is a widow,
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,
For there is no word to describe the pain."
Wow isn't that the truth!! I can't even describe the pain & I'm living the life of a bereaved parent. Recently I've been feeling pissed off . . . this isn't the life I want to live, I don't want to live here without Landan. I don't know how I'm going to do it! Sometimes I think how lucky my mom is because she's in her 40's . . . my parents/step parents will get to Landan before me! I'm so jealous! Seriously . . . I'm not going to try to kill myself or anything, I'm to chicken . . . but sometimes I wonder how quickly it would all be over if I just sharply turn the wheel when I'm driving. I loooooong for Landan something awful! He is my entire world! Now it's broken into a million pieces & I only want to put it back together if I could have Landan back.
I find myself feeling anxious alot . . . I was eating some ice cream earlier & had to stop . . . because I miss seeing Landan eat ice cream. I even miss seeing his little tiny butt when he would run around naked, hehe. Gosh . . . you can never imagine all the things a parent takes for granted. I mean I was scared during my pregnancy ya know, people have miscarriages all the time. I guess you just sort of assume that once your baby is here & healthy that you have nothing to worry about. I know I felt that way.
I can't even begin to describe the feeling of being in the hospital watching the Dr. give your precious little boy chest compression's . . . In my head I was saying "Fight Landan, please, come on start . . ." I was just waiting for his heart to start beating again. I never thought it would end like this. Then the Dr taking us into the next room & my mom said "Is he gone?" and the Dr shook his head yes & told us that his pupils were fixed & dilated, and that there was no more brain function. I still didn't cry at this point . . . I never could have imagined this, I was in total shock.
It wasn't until I held my beautiful, but lifeless little boy that I was able to cry & accept the reality (In a way.) Holding Landan after he was gone is still another thing I can't explain. The nurse brought in a rocking chair & covered him up in blankets & he was handed to me. Oh God it was . . . gut wrenching, heartbreaking & devastating. My little boy whom I would still at age 3 watch him breath at night & feel his heart beat. I still right NOW can't believe he's gone. I just sat, touched his precious face & rocked & rocked & rocked. It was like he was sleeping, so beautiful as always.