Dear Landan

Written to Landan on his 7th birthday. August 17th 2010

Dear Landan,
     Today you turn 7yrs old in Heaven! Happy Birthday Bebe! I remember the day you were born as if it were yesterday. Although you put me through 47hrs of labor & lots of stiching up afterwards it was all worth it. It's hard to believe I have a 7yr old. It would be easier to fathom if you were still here with us. You were such a breathe of fresh air in our lives & our hearts are not complete without you were. Their will always be a missing piece until we're all reunited with you again.

     To say life without you is hard would be an understatement. Even though this is the fourth time we will celebrate your birthday without you, it still hard to accept your missing presence. I wonder all the time when I will finally accept 100% that you aren't coming back & I will never see you again until I get to Heaven. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and can't believe that at the age of 21 I had to learn what it was like to lose one of the most important things in my life. Not many people I know have their own burial plots by the time they are 21. But it's just something I accept because I have no other choice.

     It still upsets me to think about the day you died. Of course you know I don't cry everyday because mama tries to be strong & doesn't want to put my burden on anyone else. But you are one of the first things I think of in the morning & one of the last things I think of at night. I don't think, in the past three years that I've missed a night talking to you before I go to bed. You are always in my thoughts & so many times I see you in something your little brother does, a face he makes or how his voice sounds just like yours when he says "Hi!" I'd give anything to see you two together & watch, first hand, you being a big brother. I keep asking you to visit me in a dream & play with your little brother so I can know what it's like. I know their are always going to be a life full of "firsts" that I have to go through that will be bittersweet. Like whenever mama & "E" have another baby & see Layne being a big brother like we should be watching you do with him. Makes me sad to think of that. I know you would have been an amazing brother to Layne & would have been overjoyed to be a big brother to him. I know you do the best job you can from Heaven.

     I think my biggest worry is that I will never see you again, Bebe. Before you died I never doubted that Heaven exsisted & I think the only reason I do know is because I miss you so much. I don't know that I could bear living with the fact that I wouldn't see you again. So I just hold on to that hope that I will.

     I try to think about how much I miss you. But how do you put that into words? I just can't properly describe the void your death has caused.

     It makes me sad to know all the people who will miss out on knowing one of the most amazing, creative, silly, loving & strongest person I've ever known in my entire life! You fought so hard to stay with us & through it all I'm so proud of you! I remember everything around your death very clearly. Just the adrenaline rush running through my body when I woke up to a nightmare. I was so naive & never thought you'd leave us in a million years. You dying wasn't even a thought my mind would entertain. Even after you were gone. I am though, eternily greatful for the wonderful family, friends & support system I had at the lowest point in my life. I could never properly thank everyone for the support.

     To sum up everything I want to say in a few simple words - I miss you more than words & love you beyond measure.

     Happy 7th Birthday Bebe! You will always be my baby.

Love, Mama <3

This is what I have to deal with ...

This was also posted on my Facebook page. But thought I would share it here as well. People are cruel!

by Lacey Harris-Willoby on Monday, August 16, 2010 at 5:57am

Perfect example of what I have to deal with because I chose to memorialize my child & share him with the world? And to be honest, this is also why I'm kinda nervous to check my emails from You Tube letting me know that I have a new comment on one of my videos.

I guess I just don't understand how someone can say things like this?

"Way to use a shitty song to remember your ugly fucking child. I did a complimentary whack off session to the thoughts of your fat fucking ass crying over his weak little body dying so fast. How many things were you unable to say to him? How many trips and activities did you have planned to do with him to all go up in a cloud of smoke, because of this little shit eating faggot dying so fast? Way to be a terrible mother you fat slutbag. Eat shit and die like your stupid faggot child."

Here is the video the comment was left on ... http://www.youtube.com/user/SeniorLux#p/u/23/3EYaM-E8lP0

Finally

So I finally got around to changing my blog up. Still not 100% happy with everything but it will do for now. I want to make my header rotating so I'm working on that & need to add my little signature back into my posts. Going to put up some new posts shorty. A few from around Landan's birthday, etc

Hope everyone has a good Labor Day weekend!

Blog changes ...

I'm feeling like a new layout around here ... so stay tuned!

Also going to share an awesome movie review website run by my husband & his friend!

Help a fellow angel mom ...

Check out her blog for details
http://scarsinmyyarn.blogspot.com/2010/07/please-help-me-hear.html

Thanks friends!

Ewww! Germs!

I'm not really even sure what I want to blog about to be honest ... I just decided that I wanted to. I have millions of thoughts that race around in my head, I just can't seem to put them in words sometimes.

Not long ago on Facebook I posted a status about how I don't like opening doors myself anymore. And before you think I'm just being bitchy, let me explain. This mostly started when the whole Swine Flu (H1N1) was going around & I was just too paranoid to open doors. If I had to, I would use hand sanitizer right afterward if possible. I mean really, what kind of germs are on the things we touch? I mean somehow & somewhere Landan picked up a germ & it killed him. Ugh. I don't even like to go to any indoor children's places anymore like Chuck E Cheese. Nothing against the establishment personally but lets be honest ... Kids are germy ... ADULTS are germy!

I'll spare you my standing on a soap box for vaccine advocation. Consider yourself lucky!

Want a Blog Makeover?

Check out this link for your chance to win!

http://www.thedesigngirlblog.com/2010/05/winners-another-blog-makeover-giveaway.html

Mother's Day Giveaway!

Last day to enter the Mother's Day Giveaway sponsered by mymommybracelets.com & some fab WAHM's!

Don't miss out on your chance to win some wonderful prizes!

http://www.mymommysbracelets.com/store/WsPages.asp?ID=48

The slacker is feelin' crafy!

Well I've officially failed my self implemented '90 Day Blogging Challenge'. BUT I have been blogging more & that is a plus! So I'm rollin' with it.

I've been super crafty recently! My hubby & boys bought me a sewing machine for my birthday in March & I've just recently decided to put my big girl pants on & take the plunge into sewing. Not that I don't know how to sew ... My mom has sewn all my life & I took two years of clothing construction in High School! But of course my husband had his doubts, even though he won't admit that his banter was no more than a little joking, I didn't buy it. So I've been able to prove him wrong! Yay! I made Layne his first pair of pj pants and while they were a TAD on the smaller size they turned out great! I have two more pairs that just need some finishing touches & they are ready to go! I also recently (as in today) did some applique work on some shirts! Yay! It was alot easier than I thought they would be. Of course it was just a simple tie & not as complex as it could be I'm ready to try something more challenging next time!

I Will Carry You

Tonight while checking out MckMama's blog, I was reminded of Angie Smith's blog & the loss of her precious little angel Audrey. Of course I had to go straight to YouTube & watch Audrey's memorial video again & listen to the song. Audrey's dad is in a group called Selah & a special song, "I Will Carry You" was written for sweet little Audrey. It's a heartbreaking video to watch, but coupled with an amazingly beautiful song. Although Landan didn't pass away as a baby, I can still relate to the beauty of the song on so many levels.




Lyrics -
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you


"And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me to carry you"
Before I'd ever heard this song I thought "I'm so thankful that God & Landan choose me to be his mama." I can't even describe how blessed I feel. I was trusted enough to keep an angel on earth for 3yrs. Landan choose me to spend his 3 short years on earth with, what a blessing & honor. God knows how much I miss Landan. The void is unimaginable, and only felt by those who've lost a child. It is not something that can ever be filled. The only thing that will make me whole again is when I'm called home to Heaven to be with God & Landan. Sometimes the 3yrs since his death feels so long and other times it feels like it was only a few days ago. I can't believe all the events & milestones I will go through without Landan here. Like when he should be going to 1st grade, Jr High, High School Graduation, College, Marriage, being a daddy ... The list goes on & on. I'll admit it, it makes me sad to see pictures of my friends kids doing the things Landan should be doing. It isn't fair that he's not here. If I could wish him back I'd do it in a heartbeat. No hesitation ... I just want him back.

I was watching the video of Landan singing "Take My Breathe Away" a few days ago with Layne. It reminded me all over again how much I miss my sweet precious little boy. Not like I ever forget or miss him any less. But to just see him so happy, singing, bopping around. It just broke my heart all over again. I just can't believe he's gone & never coming back. I think I said that a few days ago in a blog. But I just can't believe it, or maybe I just don't want to accept it. I mean really, who does?

Heaven

This is going to be on the short side today.

Heaven. No one will know what it truely looks like until you get there, and no one has come back to tell us exactly what it looks like. Yet in movies like "What Dreams May Come" & more recently, "The Lovely Bones" you get images of Heaven that seems so realistic. I find my self sitting in awe at the possibility of how beautiful it might be. And even then, I'm sure it's much more beautiful than anyone here can possibly imagine! I'd be a liar if I said I don't worry, in my weaker moments, if Heaven exists or not. Before Landan died & before I developed anxiety I didn't worry about if Heaven existed. Now I do sometimes. Mostly because of my own fears of death & worrying that I'll never see Landan again. But at the same time, it comforts me in times of anxiety believing that Heaven does exist & Landan is waiting there for me.

I recommend both of those movies to check out!

7 days down, 83 to go

Balloon Release for World Meningitis Day

Today was the day, how did you celebrate?

We had a graveside balloon release. It was a rainy day, but thankfully we were able to launch the balloons in between showers! It was just a small, personal thing. But then again, it always is. It was just me, Andy, Layne, my mom, my sister & her boyfriend.
Without further wait, here are the pictures from today!


Sorry, I normally like to try to edit my pictures for perfection but wasn't able to do that tonight.

6 days down, 84 to go

World Meningitis Day

Second Annual

World Meningitis Day
April 24th 2010

Please refer back to last years posts for more information on Meningitis
Post 1 - Types of Meningitis
Post 2 - Meningococcal Disease - What does it look like?
Post 3 - Meningococcal Disease - Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime.
Post 4 - Life After Meningitis
1st Annual World Meningitis Day - What can you do?
Pictures from last year

What can you do today?

Parent 2 Parent on Meningitis & Vaccines recommends:

• Releasing balloons
• Lighting a candle
• Planting flowers

(Click here for more details)

You can also help spread the word about Meningitis by becoming a fan of Landan on Facebook & sharing his page with your family & friends.
(The link is in the left sidebar)

5 days down, 85 to go

I'm talkin' bout blah, blah, blah.

Not much to report tonight, but I can't disappoint my meager 36 readers. I'm kidding, I love you all!

Today was pretty boring, we were home all day. I love our apartment but I really can't just get out & go for a walk. The street our apartment is connected to is a busy street with no sidewalks to walk on. LAME, I know! We can go outside and play but that's also kinda scary because since we don't have our own space I'm afraid Layne will take off like a bat outta hell & get ran over or something! Life of a paranoid mom ... Yes, I get it. -Sigh- Oh well, I know this summer we plan on taking him to the park that Landan used to love playing at. The cemetery Landan is buried in is actually right across the street. After Landan died, we met one of the Deacon's of our church at the cemetery so he could show us were Landan's plot would be. We realized how much of a gift it was that he would be buried their. Not only did the church donate Landan's plot to our family but the cemetery is sandwiched between railroad tracks & his favorite playground is across the street. Perfect! It's funny how things happen just when you need them too, ya know? Like at the end of Landan's funeral, as the colorful balloons we released danced around in the sky, looking like M&M's a train traveled by, blaring it's horn. It wasn't distracting from the moment like some would think. It was more like one of those peaceful "Ahh" moments. Those that knew Landan best, knew it was a sign from him. There have been many times where I'm feeling down at the cemetery, crying even, and I'll hear that train whistle and just smile. It's Landan.

I can't wait until Layne is older and wants to talk more about his brother Landan and know all sorts of things about him. I just wish I didn't have to explain things to him that way, I wish Landan was here with us. Obviously.

4 days down, 86 to go

Love You Forever

For some reason this quote popped into my head when I was thinking about how much I love my kids.

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

If anyone has never heard that quote before, are you living under a rock? Just kidding of course! Got to add some light humor in case the remainder of the blog gets too heavy. We'll see I guess.

I can't count how many times a day I just sit and watch Layne do cute things. And I am just in awe. In awe of the baby boy that I love so much & hate to see grow up. So many times when I'm watching him, tears well up in my eyes. I'm so thankful to have Layne but miss Landan so much.

Every night before I pray I talk to Landan. Telling him how much I love & miss him and wish he were here with us. I can only daydream about times where our family is complete. Sometimes I let my thoughts get away from me & start thinking of the bad things, like the time in the hospital with Landan or just his death in general. I have to stop myself from getting worked up. I know I've mentioned in the blog previously but I will literally have to yell "STOP" over & over in my head as long as I need to until my mind switches to something else to focus on. Preferably a happier moment of our time with Landan.

I remember the pure hell in the days that followed Landan's death. Everyone went directly to my moms house. It all feels like such a blur, I just couldn't feel anything. No emotion at first, just shock. Andy & I went to the apartment that night to gather our things & some of Landan's things for the funeral. Before I went anywhere in the apartment I went straight to the computer so I could tell my close friends about Landan's death. I knew if I didn't do that first, I might not be able to after things hit me at the apartment. I know Andy tried to be supportive, but I was numb & didn't want his affection. I didn't want to be touched. I cried alone as I laid on Landan's bed. Then I went into our bedroom and cried on my bed holding Landan's pillow that his sweet little head slept just a few nights prior. I even laid on the floor, where I found his sickly body in hopes that I might get sick & die to. Honestly, I felt like Juliet laying their begging for something to be leftover to help my body follow Landan into death.

We went back to my moms and I hung around awhile making arrangements for Landan's funeral with family friends that were their to help us. Then I went upstairs to sleep for a few hours. I'd only slept maybe an hour in the past 24+ hours. It felt so lonely when I woke up because everyone was gone, it was dark & still raining. The next day family arrived & everyone was staying at my moms house. Even in a house, full of people I still felt so alone. I didn't sleep well at all. Two queen sized air mattresses were on the floor in my moms living room, I slept alone on one of them & Andy slept next to me on the couch. I woke him up frequently throughout the night to go outside & cry without waking anyone else. I vented my fresh anger at God & my disbelief that this was really happening to us, that Landan was gone.

I don't remember anything anyone said to me at the funeral home visitation or what I said to them. I just remember the faces of some of the people that came to give us their condolences and pay respect to Landan. It was a full house, which isn't unheard of when the death is that of a young child. It breaks so many hearts and is so, unnatural.

So back to the quote

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

It's so true. Plain and simple. Except I'd like to add some words to put a new perspective on it.

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living and wherever you are, my baby you'll be"

3 days down, 87 to go.

So it's Tuesday ... Again

Andy woke me up about 30mins before it was time for him to go to work. He was going to put gas in my car & put the car seat in my car so Layne & I could go to my moms today while he was at work. I always check my phone when I get up & noticed I had a text message from my mom today. She was letting me know that they were on the way to the hospital, one of my younger sisters was being admitted. She has a cyst on her tailbone & it may have perforated her bowel. Great! My sister stopped at our apartment last week after school & mentioned that she thought she'd bruised her tailbone because it hurt. So she's at the hospital right now, the surgeon came in & they have her on IV antibiotics right now & will do an ultrasound on it tomorrow. Grrr I don't know why they aren't doing it today. Seems like a big deal to me but maybe that's because I'm an overprotective sister! When I talked to my mom she asked how I was, because she knows of my obvious anxiety issues. I told her I felt like I was going to vomit! lol She laughed & so did I. Thankfully my stomach doesn't really hurt anymore & I've been eating. I'm such a worry wart since about a year after Landan died.

Anyways, who knows what the plans are for today. I think Layne & I will be going up to the hospital later, or I'll wait until 9pm when Andy is home to go up to the hospital by myself. If you could, please keep my sister in your thoughts & prayers.

2 days down, 88 to go.

The past few days

Andy has had the past two days off of work. So we've been lucky to have lots & lots of Daddy time!

On Saturday we went to hang out at my moms for a little while. I had one of my younger sisters cut my hair again & trim my bangs while Andy & Layne hung out downstairs. My mom was leaving to go to the grocery store so I talked her into taking Layne so I could go home & straighten my hair! lol Not like it was hard to talk her into. Andy & I headed home for an hour or so & hung around the apartment. We went back to my moms to pick Layne up, he'd napped almost the entire time they were shopping! My mom needed to head out to another grocery store & didn't want to go by herself so Layne & I went with her while Andy went to Walmart. He needed to get some new headphones because we can't seem to find his old ones anywhere! So he met up with my mom & I at Meijer & we finished shopping.

Sunday we dropped Layne off with Nana for a little while so Andy could run with me up to JoAnn Fabrics. I wanted to get some 4th of July fabric that was on sale. I just ordered a pair of American flag BabyLegs from Twinkle Baby Boutique and I want to make Layne a cute onesie to go with them. It will be his 4th of July outfit. After we left Andy & I went to find a used bookstore Andy wanted to check out but it was closed. So we ended up stopping in a comic book store. Andy said he felt like a kid again because he hadn't been inside a comic store in years! Afterwards we headed back to my moms & ended up hanging out for a while longer before we left to go home.

Today we ran around town doing some errands. We needed to stop at Walmart so we could pick Layne up his first potty chair. Yay! We'll see how that goes, so wish us luck! Then made a stop over at Hobby Lobby so I could pick up a few t-shirts. I plan on making shirts for a friend of mine. I've been telling her I wanted to make them forever now! So now I need to actually learn how to thread my sewing machine & get to work. I've had the sewing machine since March! It was my birthday present from Andy & the boys. I can't wait to use it because, to be honest, I'm kind of intimidated! I've never had my own sewing machine before. Andy keeps joking about how he thinks I don't even know how to sew & he won't believe it until he see's it! lol Hopefully he's pleasantly surprised. Then we decided to check out TJ Maxx because neither of us have ever been shopping in one before. I ended up snagging a super cute outfit for Layne & pair of jammies. On our way home Andy was hinting about eating at Chilies because he's never eaten at one before. So that's where we ended up. It was yummy & Layne loved his grilled cheese! Andy & I ended up each getting a alcoholic drink. Mine was yummy, his was WAY too strong! He didn't even like it & drank more of mine than his! lol I also managed to knock over the remaining 1/3rd of mine & I wasn't even tipsy! lol Go figure! Oh well.

Overall we've had a fun few days. We rented Brothers & District 9, both great movies & I liked them both! Andy has to go into work tomorrow afternoon, boo! But soon enough he'll be on vacation! I can't wait & I'm sure he's even more excited for it! lol

On a bad note ... We keep finding spiders in our room, I don't know how they're getting in. Tonight, the spiders set an all new record. Five ... Yes, count them ... F-I-V-E! UGH! I hate spiders, they terrify me! lol If we'd have found them before midnight I might be writing this blog from my moms living room. I'm totally not kidding! Just ask my mom & Andy lol When I was pregnant I found a spider in the bedroom, it was GIANT! The biggest we've ever had in the apartment & Andy was at work. I took a picture of the spider, I mean I obviously needed proof that this giant beast was in our bedroom! I couldn't kill it for two reasons. One - I was terrified. There was no way I'd even be able to come within FEET of that thing. Two - It was on our bed skirt and I was worried that I'd miss it and it would charge at me. Or maybe get away & come back with it's spider army. Scary stuff! lol So I did what any normal, pregnant, spider loathing woman would do ... I grabbed my pillow, closed the bedroom door, shoved a towel at the base of the door & got the hell outta their! lol Andy is just about as scared of spiders as I am but managed to kill it when he got off work. Can you believe that beast was in like the SAME spot many hours later when he got off work! Thank God it was though or I wouldn't have been able to sleep in the bedroom that night! Seriously ... I don't mess around with spiders! I remember once when Layne was sleeping in his swing I had to move the swing to the living room because a spider was in our room & Andy had just left for work lol Yuck!

Anyways, I rambled on long enough!

1 Day down, 89 to go.

90 Day Blogging Challenge

So sometimes I suck at blogging. I'll get in blogging moods & blog for weeks ... Then I slack & don't blog for months. So I'm implementing a challenge to myself ... 90 full days of blogging! Stay tuned to see how it goes! The first blog of my challenge will be up tonight.

Good luck to me & happy reading to you!

Change is sooo hard!

Since Layne is getting bigger & more independent, we've given him the independence he wants. We've moved the gates around in a way that he can go freely from the living room to his & Landan's bedroom.

Up to this point Landan's room has basically been a shrine ... I won't lie or deny that. But it's just so hard to not let that happen. It's been 3yrs & all of Landan's dirty clothes are still unwashed in & around his hamper, his bedding is the same, etc. Memorial things & other items we've bought since his death were neatly place on his bed & sprinkled around the rest of the room.

As soon as we started to let Layne have more freedom around the apartment I realized a time will come when he'll be climbing up on the bed more often & I didn't want him to tear up Landan's things. So I moved everything to be displayed on top of the entertainment center (which I posted pictures of) Shortly after I realized I might have made a mistake, maybe I wasn't ready to move it. I admitted that to Andy through a few tears shortly after everything had probably been moved. Andy told me he'd help me move back everything to exactly where it was, but I declined that offer because I know it's something I had to do. Even if I really didn't want to. It was basically a compromise with myself, because it was just being moved to a different spot in the room. It wasn't being taken OUT of the room. It was after that I realized I am NOT READY for a "room makeover" I thought I was ready to change up the theme of the room from Spongebob to Toy Story. But if it caused so much pain just to do what I've already done ... The I am NOT ready for such a huge change.
I'm so "clinging" to everything that is Landan's. I don't see how I'll ever have the strength to get rid of anything. Thank God I had another boy that can wear some of Landan's clothes. Obviously somethings will be too special or hold too many memories to share with any other child. But most is ok. I've never really admitted it to anyone else, maybe just a few people but I didn't even change my bedding for MONTHS ... Too many to even imagine probably. Andy wasn't even allowed to sleep in our bed with me for the longest time. I just couldn't give up the sheets & couldn't give up "Landan's spot" to anyone else. Now the bedding that was on the bed then is tucked away the bag our new bed set came it ... It will never be washed of course & never used again. The most recent challenge I'm approaching is the fact that we'll soon have a new couch. I never realized I could be so attached to a couch, but I am. I'm already having anxiety over getting rid of it. It was my first big purchase for the apartment, and one of the first things that was mine, Landan & Andy's. I have lots of pictures of Landan on the couch, etc. I've already decided that I'm cutting out a piece of the cushion. I feel like getting rid of it is like throwing out a memory of Landan. Realistically I know that's not what I'm doing, but things feel like that sometimes.

Last psychic we saw said Landan didn't want his room to be a shrine & he wanted his things played with. Idk, maybe one day I'll be able to give his things away to other children. I'm glad Layne will be able to play with certain things though. I have to do things at my pace & I'm thankful I'm not being pressured to do anything I don't want to do.
After pictures (cell phone quality):

I soooo want one of these!

Check out MckMama's Giveaway blog for your chance to win one of these AWESOME computers! lol I know I'm hoping I win!
http://mckgiveaways.blogspot.com/2009/12/hp-touchsmart-giveaway.html

DROOL ... You can also win one from Kelly's Korner!
http://kellyskornerreviews.blogspot.com/2009/12/hey-who-wants-to-win-free-computer.html

Andy's laptop is on the fritz, it would be so awesome to win one of these!
http://totallytogetherreviews.blogspot.com/2009/12/hp-touchsmart-computer-review-and-give.html

AND BooMama is giving one away too, ahh I want this soo bad! lol
http://boomama.net/hp-touchsmart-600-giveaway/