Dear Landan

Written to Landan on his 7th birthday. August 17th 2010

Dear Landan,
     Today you turn 7yrs old in Heaven! Happy Birthday Bebe! I remember the day you were born as if it were yesterday. Although you put me through 47hrs of labor & lots of stiching up afterwards it was all worth it. It's hard to believe I have a 7yr old. It would be easier to fathom if you were still here with us. You were such a breathe of fresh air in our lives & our hearts are not complete without you were. Their will always be a missing piece until we're all reunited with you again.

     To say life without you is hard would be an understatement. Even though this is the fourth time we will celebrate your birthday without you, it still hard to accept your missing presence. I wonder all the time when I will finally accept 100% that you aren't coming back & I will never see you again until I get to Heaven. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and can't believe that at the age of 21 I had to learn what it was like to lose one of the most important things in my life. Not many people I know have their own burial plots by the time they are 21. But it's just something I accept because I have no other choice.

     It still upsets me to think about the day you died. Of course you know I don't cry everyday because mama tries to be strong & doesn't want to put my burden on anyone else. But you are one of the first things I think of in the morning & one of the last things I think of at night. I don't think, in the past three years that I've missed a night talking to you before I go to bed. You are always in my thoughts & so many times I see you in something your little brother does, a face he makes or how his voice sounds just like yours when he says "Hi!" I'd give anything to see you two together & watch, first hand, you being a big brother. I keep asking you to visit me in a dream & play with your little brother so I can know what it's like. I know their are always going to be a life full of "firsts" that I have to go through that will be bittersweet. Like whenever mama & "E" have another baby & see Layne being a big brother like we should be watching you do with him. Makes me sad to think of that. I know you would have been an amazing brother to Layne & would have been overjoyed to be a big brother to him. I know you do the best job you can from Heaven.

     I think my biggest worry is that I will never see you again, Bebe. Before you died I never doubted that Heaven exsisted & I think the only reason I do know is because I miss you so much. I don't know that I could bear living with the fact that I wouldn't see you again. So I just hold on to that hope that I will.

     I try to think about how much I miss you. But how do you put that into words? I just can't properly describe the void your death has caused.

     It makes me sad to know all the people who will miss out on knowing one of the most amazing, creative, silly, loving & strongest person I've ever known in my entire life! You fought so hard to stay with us & through it all I'm so proud of you! I remember everything around your death very clearly. Just the adrenaline rush running through my body when I woke up to a nightmare. I was so naive & never thought you'd leave us in a million years. You dying wasn't even a thought my mind would entertain. Even after you were gone. I am though, eternily greatful for the wonderful family, friends & support system I had at the lowest point in my life. I could never properly thank everyone for the support.

     To sum up everything I want to say in a few simple words - I miss you more than words & love you beyond measure.

     Happy 7th Birthday Bebe! You will always be my baby.

Love, Mama <3