I haven't not written much poetry at all in so many years! But recently something came up where a friend needed a new poem. So I went to work & this is what I got. Hope you enjoy it. Love you Bebe!
On Saturday, August 17th we celebrated Landan's 10th Birthday. How insane to know he would be ten years old. The last time I saw, held & kiss my first born son was when he was three years old. Wow. Time flies.
It's almost been seven years since he's been gone. I remember during the first year or two after he died I would listen to the ladies at support group who were further down the road. It was hard because I didn't want to be so many years away from the last time I saw my sweet boy. Here I am, almost seven years down the road. Walking in a pair of shoes I didn't ask for & certainly don't want to be in. I don't want to be the mom who lost a child. But I know that no one does, it's not just me. It wouldn't take me long to compile a list of moms that want their children back too.
I remember after Landan died I was so worried that people would forget about him. I could never have foreseen all the people around the world who've let Landan into their hearts. It's beyond touching & I'm still in awe when someone tells me a story about how Landan has touched & transformed their life. Landan is making a difference in this world, even from Heaven.
That being said I can not hide my feelings about this year's participation. The participation in his balloon release consisted of my family only. It's tough to bear when the first two years had such a huge turnout & since has dwindled to what it was this year ... only family. It makes me feel like people are forgetting about Landan or they think, well it has been almost seven years so it's not as important anymore. But it is important. It's important to me, it's important to my family. It didn't go unnoticed the people that didn't even wish Landan a Happy Birthday whom I expected would. It just broke my heart a little. I feel like it would be a disservice to future events for me hide & not express my feelings. And it would be a lie. Maybe people don't realize how big of a deal it is to me which is fine, I wouldn't expect them to. They're not in my shoes. So here I am, yelling it to you! Two days out of the year I thought I could expect participation or a simple "Hey I'm thinking of Landan." I guess I just didn't expect the turnout to dissipate so quickly.
I feel like the ease to write this isn't flowing naturally like it usually does. I can't find the right words to vent my frustrations & sadness. I wish I didn't have to. I wish my son hadn't died & I wish people still participated like they did in the beginning. I'm not trying to come off as ungrateful. I'm more than grateful for those who participated, for those who release balloon's, for those who lit a candle, for those to left kind words & for those who made a graphic.
If I could choose a word for how I felt at the end of the day it would be defeated. I felt defeated. I felt like I hadn't done a good enough job letting the world know how important the support for Landan is to me even almost seven years later. As I reread those last few lines a poem I'd seen a few years ago came to mind & felt so appropriate to share.
My Mommy
When I left this world it was hard on everyone,
especially my mommy.
The days move on for you,
but not for my mommy.
You may not think of me as much,
but my mommy does.
When your tears stop flowing for me,
my mommy's won't.
When your broken heart heals,
my mommy's won't.
My mommy will never forget me,
so please don't you.
Here is the video I made this year for Landan's birthday. I haven't made one for many years & Landan turning 10yrs old felt like such a big deal to me that I really wanted to make a video.
As a bereaved mother there have been countless times I've reached out to a another mother. Sometimes I've done it of my own free will and other times someone as asked me to reach out to someone. More times than not my extended arms go untouched. But sometimes I have been able to create lasting bonds with other mothers who understand the loss of a child.
I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt my feelings that attempts to connect are not reciprocated. Especially when it's been multiple times. Even when my grief was fresh I responded to every single message sent to me. Even if I just copy & pasted the same response to everyone or I simply thanked them for thinking of me. It was important to me that I do that, I wanted the person to know that their little thought of my & my angel meant something to me. I'm not by any means trying to say the people who've not responded back to me do not care about my message. Maybe they're not in a place where they feel able to chat about their loss or may be too scared to dive into speaking with another child loss mom. I'm sure we can all remember how fresh & raw our grief was in the very beginning. It doesn't take much reflection to be able to feel those emotion's again, no matter how much time has passed.
While I was writing the paragraph above I thought I would visit the I Am A Mother To An Angel Facebook page my friend created. I wanted to find a graphic I could include in this post. It's funny sometimes how things work out because this is the graphic that awaited me at the top of the page when I arrived ...
How appropriate is that quote for this topic? I won't lie, it kinda blew my mind a little. Princess Diana's words ring true & I believe it's something we should all remember. Don't do things only to expect something in return. Even though many times I get no response to the messages I send doesn't mean it didn't mean something to the mom on the other end. She may not have the strength to muster a response but maybe just for the few minutes she spent reading my message, she got a little comfort in knowing she's not alone on this road.
Extend the olive branch my friends & do so without expecting to gain something from it. You've gained something my opening your heart to another person who might need to turn to you down the road.
Early this year, maybe even late last year my husband & I started talking about signing Layne up for an activity. This was much to my husbands dismay because he worries so much about Layne.
I should explain some ... I rarely get to worry about Layne because my husband does enough of that for the both of us. Could you imagine what a mess our life would be if we both worried about him 100% of the time? I don't even want to think about it. But we have our reasons, having lost a child to a disease he could have picked up from anywhere? That's scary!
Back to tball - we signed Layne up early this past Spring & he was assigned to a team. It's been such a fun activity for us. It makes me so proud to see my little man out there having fun. They started off the season hitting from the tee & slowly transitioned into pitching to the kids. The first few times Layne was not hitting any of the pitched balls. What they do is they pitch 3-4 balls to the kids and if they don't hit it then they put the ball on the tee for the kids to hit. Then Layne started hitting from a pitch atleast one of the two times he was up to bat. Recently he's been hitting the ball from a pitch every time! It's so exciting! The coaches husband told my husband that we'd be surprised how much better the kids get by the end of the season. I still never though Layne would be hitting all the pitched balls!
I'm excited to finish out the season & for Layne to play again next year. We're not uber competitive people. Well I take that back, you don't want to see me playing Call of Duty! But the tball league here is just about the kids learning the game & most importantly, having fun. No strike outs, no tagged outs, all the kids get a chance to bat twice. It's awesome. If it were something really competitive we probably would have pulled Layne out. It would not have been our cup of tea at all. It's tball, it should be all about fun & that's what I want for Layne. I don't think he would be enjoying it at all if it were very competitive at this age. He's a sensitive guy.
It's bittersweet to do these things with Layne. Things we were robbed of enjoying with Landan. But I'm still so very thankful to have the opportunity and I know Landan is cheering on his little brother. A brother I know he would have loved so much.
If you've been checking into my blog in the past you know I have a passion for music. It can be so relate-able & therapeutic. A song can have many meanings for different people.
When I first heard "Just Give Me A Reason" but Pink & Nate Ruess I just plain liked it. I really didn't even feel a particular "pull" to the song. Earlier this month when I was listening to the song a connection really rung home & I posted this status on Facebook:
This reminds me of the year after Landan passed away. We fought so much, I told Andy all the time I didn't want to be married anymore, etc. I just didn't want to be loved by anyone for awhile. I wanted to feel empty. So thankful we were able to overcome such a horrible time that most couples don't make it through together. Even though we bicker I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.
It's weird to reflect on a time when I thought I would be "ok" without Andy. I can still remember how mean things got that year after Landan died. We even got into one physical fight that included pushing & screaming. I still wonder how the cops weren't called that time. Atleast three holes were put into our apartment walls during that time as well. It was just very volatile. We spent alot of time apart from each other. It had to have made Landan sad to look down on two of his favorite people and see how mean they were being to each other. Kinda makes me sad to think about that. But I'm just that things turned around. I guess in some way I can thank my anxiety for that. After having anxiety for awhile it got to a point where I just wanted to be home, with Andy when I was anxious. I needed him. Shortly after we got pregnant with Layne and were so excited. So in love from the beginning. He's changed our lives just like Landan did & continues to.
I feel very blessed to have my family & the friends I do have. Those are the most important things in my life.
"Just Give Me A Reason"
Pink (feat. Nate Ruess)
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')
You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh
Used to lie so close to me, oh, oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Our tear ducts can rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I came across this amazing giveaway on Facebook & wanted to share it here on my blog! I know my fingers are crossed, but I'm also just thankful to Crave Photography for the opportunity to win! Good luck to all who enter!
Today Layne found that Buddy had made his way to the top of OUR tree!!
Edited to add, a few days later our darn kitties were running out from under the tree & knocked a hand & piece of a wing off of my beautiful tree topper. She hit the window sill on the way down! I'm going to have to bust out the glue gun!
While I was Black Friday shopping, I saw The Elf On The Shelf! I'd seen pictures of him on Pinterest & thought about getting one but never looked to see where they were sold. SO, I grabbed him up at Target while I was shopping! We read the book & my 4yr old couldn't decide on a name, so we made a list & he picked out the name "Buddy." I'm going to start posting the daily adventures of Buddy here on my blog!
Day 1- Layne found Buddy hanging out on top of one of our Christmas decorations!
