So this is life

366 Project

2012-01-03T20:35:00.002-05:00

Yes, I sad 366! It's a leap year ya'll. After seeing a Facebook friend post that she was starting a 366 Blog on New Years Day I thought ... I've always wanted to do one, perfect timing for me to see her post!

So join me as a follower over on my other blog!

http://willobyfamily365.blogspot.com/

Lyrics

2011-10-02T20:22:00.001-04:00

I love listening to music. It can be so therapeutic. Then I was thinking about all the different things it can relate to along the journey I'm on ...

"I'll be there when your heart stops beating
I'll be there when your last breath's taken away ..."

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3oyjaiF5s0)

I could have never imagined the path life would take me on, obviously most people can't. But the thought of losing your child is just unfathomable. When I think of Landan's birth & him dying 3yrs later these lyrics come to mind ...

"If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJWIbIe0N90)

As a mother you wish you could take your child's place, and be sick for them so they wouldn't have to go through anything so horrible. Of course the should've, could've & what if's started in the hospital. I can think of a handful of people that day who would have taken his place, just for him to be here.

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc)

Shock ... I stood in shock as they did chest compressions on him, couldn't move or say anything. What I was watching was completely unrealistic & my brain was totally incapable of fully processing it. It couldn't be true because I'd already rationalized the fact that he would be in the hospital for awhile. But die? He couldn't die because that's just not how life works. Surely he would bury me someday as I prayed to God would happen just 48hrs before.

"So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrnT40ZES2M)

I remember spending the night at my moms house afterwards for atleast a week, I didn't want to be at home where Landan lived. I'd wake up Andy in the middle of the night to go outside in the frigged air & cry so I didn't bother anyone else.

"And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live."

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pQo9OQlIB8)

Mostly when I think of Landan I really love having this play in my head ...

"Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqaBof47pmY)

Recently I've been finding myself depressed that no one thinks of Landan anymore. Well I take that back, the people I want to care, don't. Although I'm still beyond thankful for the people who DO. I was pretty much told recently that someone doesn't know me well enough to care as much as I wish they did & hopefully someone else can help me with that. Pretty shitty if you ask me. Even though I'll continue to NOT like it & continue to bitch about it ... It is what it is. I can't make people care about my child. I just can't make anyone care about him as much as they care about other people. I've cried to my husband about it & vented to my mom about it because it really does break my heart to pieces. He's just not important to certain people. I can never forgive people for making me feel this way, it's just not forgivable. He's my son, he's not here anymore & he should be celebrated & remembered. I won't hold my feelings in anymore because it just makes me more & more bitter!

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel"

(http://youtu.be/oF0xd-TIINA)

I just need to seperate myself from certain things in my life, I mean really ... why torture myself with things that are out of my control? Sometimes I hope this is true ...

"Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away."

(http://youtu.be/FV-HPOHu8mY)

But more & more I feel like this ...

"No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through"

(http://youtu.be/TxwuB6xPcvs)

Ultimately, it's about Landan. Keeping his memory alive through myself & other's is the only thing I can do. I look forward to sharing Landan with thousands & thousands more through the years. I know I'm always going to come across people who don't care, guess one of these days I'll learn to deal with it better than I am now-a-days.

"I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aX-cj-ovhg)

P.s. My feelings here are not open for discussion. Juuuust sayin'

Holiday Craft: Hand print snowmen

2010-12-03T21:50:00.001-05:00

I don't have any directions for these crafts. I didn't think about putting them on my blog until it was too late. But thankfully they are pretty self explanatory!

Here is our hand print snowmen ornament. First time we've ever tried this!

And this is our other hand print snowman! A friend shared a picture with me & it was too cute to pass up!

It's really simple - Two palms for the body & fingers for the hat. I

Linking up here ...

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas!

2010-12-02T00:16:00.000-05:00

It was so wonderful to wake up today, on December 1st to snow flurries! What a fitting way to start December. Even though I'm really not a huge fan of the freezing temperatures, snow always makes it better! We've got our Christmas tree up, lighted garland around the entertainment center, Christmas is on it's way!

We've already had Layne's picture taken with Santa


(Didn't get a chance to edit yet)

So now I'm thinking about Christmas cards already! Actually I have been since before Thanksgiving. Is that bad? We've always sent out Christmas cards, it's a tradition my mom has passed down. We used to just buy Christmas cards from wherever we got our family pictures taken, but within the past few years I've been craving something more unique than what they offer! This year Shutterfly is having a great promotion going on for bloggers that you don't want to miss out! I love all everything they have to offer on their website & could browse for hours upon hours.

How unique is this Flat Stationary Card!

And this is another favorite of mine!

Or these Christmas Photo Cards

And they have folded cards too of course

Aside from Christmas cards they have Desk Calendars, Birth Announcements, you name it!

With hundreds, upon hundreds of Christmas Card choices, I don't know how anyone couldn't find something they love! As for me? I have no idea how I will choose!

Favorites. More pictures, less words.

2010-10-11T22:08:00.000-04:00

Landan 20wk ultrasound

Layne 20wk ultrasound

Only a few days before Landan was born (39wks)

Only a few days before Layne was born (36wks)

Landan, just born, getting cleaned up.

Layne, just born, getting cleaned up.

Landan & I - Less than 24hrs old.

Seconds after Layne was born.

Favorite "Mommy & Baby" picture with Landan.

Favorite "Mommy & Baby" picture with Layne.

Favorite "Mommy & Me" picture with Landan.

Favorite "Mommy & Me" picture with Layne.

Landan on his 1st Birthday!

Layne on his 1st Birthday!

Landan as Blues Clues for his 2nd Halloween & Layne will also be Blue this Halloween

Halloween Crafts!

2010-10-11T18:56:00.002-04:00

I've been obsessed with checking out crafting blogs recently. So many awesome ideas!

So I thought I would share this, they're doing a "13 Days of Halloween" event

with all kinds of DIY Halloween decorations, etc.

Check it out!

Crafty Weekend!

2010-10-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

I had a little crafty weekend! Made two things I'd never made before!

First is this Fall bouquet! I got 75% of what I needed from the Dollar Tree for $9! The rest were things my mom had in her basement & wasn't using.

Seriously ... Can't beat the price! Michael's would sell this for probably $30!

My second, impulse craft came from an idea shared HERE.

I had all the items I needed & it probably took me 20 minutes max!

Layne wasn't too sure about his cape at first and wore it for under a minute! lol But awhile later he wore it around for almost an hour. He'll have fun with it for years to come!

Handprint Turkey - Reverse Applique

2010-09-27T21:28:00.004-04:00

Handprint Turkey - Reverse Applique

What you'll need:

Sweatshirt, onesie or t-shirt
Pins
Button
Fabric
Felt (optional, can use fabric)
Hand-needle & sewing machine

Paper

Sweatshirt I'm using, handprint, felt & fabric.

Step 1:

Trace your childs hand & cut it out

Step 2:

I forgot to take a picture for this, it's my first tutorial after all!

But for this step it's kind of up to you. I decided to use a fabric pen to

trace around my hand so I had an outline on the front. But you could also

just pin down the paper handprint & sew around that!

Step 3:

Cut out a piece of fabric larger than your handprint

Step 3:

Turn your shirt inside out & pin your fabric right side down.

So then your looking at both the wrong side of your shirt &

the wrong side of your fabric.

Then turn your shirt right side out.

Step 4:

Sew along your traced line or your pinned down handprint

Step 5:

Cut out the material inside your stitches. Make sure to leave

a little bit of space so you aren't cutting out your stitches.

Step 6:

Embellish your turkey with a wattle & button for the eye &

your all done!

Thanks for checking out this tutorial, as I said it is my first! I had so much fun trying it out myself

& can't wait to make more! If you end up making one yourself please some back

& share a link to your image, I'd love to see!

Testing 1, 2, 3 ...

2010-09-18T04:16:00.002-04:00

Just testing my mobile blogging!
xo [L&L's] Mama

Four years earlier ... and now.

2010-09-14T05:33:00.001-04:00

Four years earlier.

It was a beautiful hot day,

Full of sunshine, not a cloud in the sky.

Our hearts, so full, they overflowed with happiness,

Watching as my little man had a blast riding rides,

Or playing peek-a-boo from behind a tree.

And perfect photo ops that are so sweet to look back on,

It felt like we had forever left together.

And this time,

A piece of our heart was missing.

But still thankful for the blessing I have now.

It's just that it didn't feel quite right,

A void that was only felt between Andy & I.

The gloominess of the day, was fitting for such a missing presence.

They aren't all sad, promise.

2010-09-09T05:37:00.002-04:00

I realized recently my posts were sounding a little sad. But I promise they aren't and won't always be like that!

Focusing on some happier times ... Andy has two days off, works on Friday, then his vacation starts! Yes! I'm so looking forward to having my hubby home for 9 straight days & I don't have to send him off to work. Sadly, it's his last week of vacation until Jan 2011 but I'm sure the time will fly by as it usually does. Between now & then we'll have Layne's birthday party, Halloween, Layne's birthday, Landan's angelversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years. Thinking ahead much?

Since I didn't post about Landan's birthday I thought it would be a good time to do that! Thankfully the day was WONDERFUL! I really thought the You Tube comment from the night before was going to break me. I couldn't fall asleep & was up until the wee hours of the morning (which isn't that unusual, I was just up later than usual) but it didn't. I had two of my amazing friends in from New York to spend over a week with us & it was great to have the company during Landan's birthday.

I'll let the pictures tell the rest of the story ...

Getting balloons ready for the cemetery

My friends Tina & Jess

My friend Christina writing a message to Landan

So much love for a special little boy

My sister Lexie & Layne

My sister Lakin, Layne & my mom (Landan's Nana)

Here they come bebe!

Catch them!

Flying off to Heaven

Tina, Jess & myself

Jess & I

Tina & I

Tina & I being silly

Wish lantern flying off to Landan

Andy & I releasing a lantern

Tina & Lexie releasing a lantern

Lantern flying off to Heaven

Beautiful gift sent by my friend Kerin for Landan's birthday

And this, this is my favorite picture of the day.

Dear Landan

2010-09-08T18:44:00.002-04:00

Written to Landan on his 7th birthday. August 17th 2010

Dear Landan,
     Today you turn 7yrs old in Heaven! Happy Birthday Bebe! I remember the day you were born as if it were yesterday. Although you put me through 47hrs of labor & lots of stiching up afterwards it was all worth it. It's hard to believe I have a 7yr old. It would be easier to fathom if you were still here with us. You were such a breathe of fresh air in our lives & our hearts are not complete without you were. Their will always be a missing piece until we're all reunited with you again.

     To say life without you is hard would be an understatement. Even though this is the fourth time we will celebrate your birthday without you, it still hard to accept your missing presence. I wonder all the time when I will finally accept 100% that you aren't coming back & I will never see you again until I get to Heaven. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and can't believe that at the age of 21 I had to learn what it was like to lose one of the most important things in my life. Not many people I know have their own burial plots by the time they are 21. But it's just something I accept because I have no other choice.

     It still upsets me to think about the day you died. Of course you know I don't cry everyday because mama tries to be strong & doesn't want to put my burden on anyone else. But you are one of the first things I think of in the morning & one of the last things I think of at night. I don't think, in the past three years that I've missed a night talking to you before I go to bed. You are always in my thoughts & so many times I see you in something your little brother does, a face he makes or how his voice sounds just like yours when he says "Hi!" I'd give anything to see you two together & watch, first hand, you being a big brother. I keep asking you to visit me in a dream & play with your little brother so I can know what it's like. I know their are always going to be a life full of "firsts" that I have to go through that will be bittersweet. Like whenever mama & "E" have another baby & see Layne being a big brother like we should be watching you do with him. Makes me sad to think of that. I know you would have been an amazing brother to Layne & would have been overjoyed to be a big brother to him. I know you do the best job you can from Heaven.

     I think my biggest worry is that I will never see you again, Bebe. Before you died I never doubted that Heaven exsisted & I think the only reason I do know is because I miss you so much. I don't know that I could bear living with the fact that I wouldn't see you again. So I just hold on to that hope that I will.

     I try to think about how much I miss you. But how do you put that into words? I just can't properly describe the void your death has caused.

     It makes me sad to know all the people who will miss out on knowing one of the most amazing, creative, silly, loving & strongest person I've ever known in my entire life! You fought so hard to stay with us & through it all I'm so proud of you! I remember everything around your death very clearly. Just the adrenaline rush running through my body when I woke up to a nightmare. I was so naive & never thought you'd leave us in a million years. You dying wasn't even a thought my mind would entertain. Even after you were gone. I am though, eternily greatful for the wonderful family, friends & support system I had at the lowest point in my life. I could never properly thank everyone for the support.

     To sum up everything I want to say in a few simple words - I miss you more than words & love you beyond measure.

     Happy 7th Birthday Bebe! You will always be my baby.

Love, Mama <3

This is what I have to deal with ...

2010-09-07T00:12:00.001-04:00

This was also posted on my Facebook page. But thought I would share it here as well. People are cruel!

by Lacey Harris-Willoby on Monday, August 16, 2010 at 5:57am

Perfect example of what I have to deal with because I chose to memorialize my child & share him with the world? And to be honest, this is also why I'm kinda nervous to check my emails from You Tube letting me know that I have a new comment on one of my videos.

I guess I just don't understand how someone can say things like this?

"Way to use a shitty song to remember your ugly fucking child. I did a complimentary whack off session to the thoughts of your fat fucking ass crying over his weak little body dying so fast. How many things were you unable to say to him? How many trips and activities did you have planned to do with him to all go up in a cloud of smoke, because of this little shit eating faggot dying so fast? Way to be a terrible mother you fat slutbag. Eat shit and die like your stupid faggot child."

Here is the video the comment was left on ... http://www.youtube.com/user/SeniorLux#p/u/23/3EYaM-E8lP0

Finally

2010-09-04T22:03:00.000-04:00

So I finally got around to changing my blog up. Still not 100% happy with everything but it will do for now. I want to make my header rotating so I'm working on that & need to add my little signature back into my posts. Going to put up some new posts shorty. A few from around Landan's birthday, etc

Hope everyone has a good Labor Day weekend!

Blog changes ...

2010-07-31T17:04:00.001-04:00

I'm feeling like a new layout around here ... so stay tuned!

Also going to share an awesome movie review website run by my husband & his friend!

Help a fellow angel mom ...

2010-07-10T04:48:00.001-04:00

Check out her blog for details
http://scarsinmyyarn.blogspot.com/2010/07/please-help-me-hear.html

Thanks friends!

Ewww! Germs!

2010-05-23T02:10:00.003-04:00

I'm not really even sure what I want to blog about to be honest ... I just decided that I wanted to. I have millions of thoughts that race around in my head, I just can't seem to put them in words sometimes.

Not long ago on Facebook I posted a status about how I don't like opening doors myself anymore. And before you think I'm just being bitchy, let me explain. This mostly started when the whole Swine Flu (H1N1) was going around & I was just too paranoid to open doors. If I had to, I would use hand sanitizer right afterward if possible. I mean really, what kind of germs are on the things we touch? I mean somehow & somewhere Landan picked up a germ & it killed him. Ugh. I don't even like to go to any indoor children's places anymore like Chuck E Cheese. Nothing against the establishment personally but lets be honest ... Kids are germy ... ADULTS are germy!

I'll spare you my standing on a soap box for vaccine advocation. Consider yourself lucky!

Want a Blog Makeover?

2010-05-12T00:37:00.001-04:00

Check out this link for your chance to win!

http://www.thedesigngirlblog.com/2010/05/winners-another-blog-makeover-giveaway.html

Mother's Day Giveaway!

2010-05-07T19:04:00.001-04:00

Last day to enter the Mother's Day Giveaway sponsered by mymommybracelets.com & some fab WAHM's!

Don't miss out on your chance to win some wonderful prizes!

http://www.mymommysbracelets.com/store/WsPages.asp?ID=48

The slacker is feelin' crafy!

2010-05-03T22:23:00.002-04:00

Well I've officially failed my self implemented '90 Day Blogging Challenge'. BUT I have been blogging more & that is a plus! So I'm rollin' with it.

I've been super crafty recently! My hubby & boys bought me a sewing machine for my birthday in March & I've just recently decided to put my big girl pants on & take the plunge into sewing. Not that I don't know how to sew ... My mom has sewn all my life & I took two years of clothing construction in High School! But of course my husband had his doubts, even though he won't admit that his banter was no more than a little joking, I didn't buy it. So I've been able to prove him wrong! Yay! I made Layne his first pair of pj pants and while they were a TAD on the smaller size they turned out great! I have two more pairs that just need some finishing touches & they are ready to go! I also recently (as in today) did some applique work on some shirts! Yay! It was alot easier than I thought they would be. Of course it was just a simple tie & not as complex as it could be I'm ready to try something more challenging next time!

I Will Carry You

2010-04-30T03:55:00.003-04:00

Tonight while checking out MckMama's blog, I was reminded of Angie Smith's blog & the loss of her precious little angel Audrey. Of course I had to go straight to YouTube & watch Audrey's memorial video again & listen to the song. Audrey's dad is in a group called Selah & a special song, "I Will Carry You" was written for sweet little Audrey. It's a heartbreaking video to watch, but coupled with an amazingly beautiful song. Although Landan didn't pass away as a baby, I can still relate to the beauty of the song on so many levels.

Lyrics -
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…

I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

"And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me to carry you"
Before I'd ever heard this song I thought "I'm so thankful that God & Landan choose me to be his mama." I can't even describe how blessed I feel. I was trusted enough to keep an angel on earth for 3yrs. Landan choose me to spend his 3 short years on earth with, what a blessing & honor. God knows how much I miss Landan. The void is unimaginable, and only felt by those who've lost a child. It is not something that can ever be filled. The only thing that will make me whole again is when I'm called home to Heaven to be with God & Landan. Sometimes the 3yrs since his death feels so long and other times it feels like it was only a few days ago. I can't believe all the events & milestones I will go through without Landan here. Like when he should be going to 1st grade, Jr High, High School Graduation, College, Marriage, being a daddy ... The list goes on & on. I'll admit it, it makes me sad to see pictures of my friends kids doing the things Landan should be doing. It isn't fair that he's not here. If I could wish him back I'd do it in a heartbeat. No hesitation ... I just want him back.

I was watching the video of Landan singing "Take My Breathe Away" a few days ago with Layne. It reminded me all over again how much I miss my sweet precious little boy. Not like I ever forget or miss him any less. But to just see him so happy, singing, bopping around. It just broke my heart all over again. I just can't believe he's gone & never coming back. I think I said that a few days ago in a blog. But I just can't believe it, or maybe I just don't want to accept it. I mean really, who does?

Heaven

2010-04-26T03:00:00.002-04:00

This is going to be on the short side today.

Heaven. No one will know what it truely looks like until you get there, and no one has come back to tell us exactly what it looks like. Yet in movies like "What Dreams May Come" & more recently, "The Lovely Bones" you get images of Heaven that seems so realistic. I find my self sitting in awe at the possibility of how beautiful it might be. And even then, I'm sure it's much more beautiful than anyone here can possibly imagine! I'd be a liar if I said I don't worry, in my weaker moments, if Heaven exists or not. Before Landan died & before I developed anxiety I didn't worry about if Heaven existed. Now I do sometimes. Mostly because of my own fears of death & worrying that I'll never see Landan again. But at the same time, it comforts me in times of anxiety believing that Heaven does exist & Landan is waiting there for me.

I recommend both of those movies to check out!

7 days down, 83 to go

Balloon Release for World Meningitis Day

2010-04-25T02:55:00.002-04:00

Today was the day, how did you celebrate?

We had a graveside balloon release. It was a rainy day, but thankfully we were able to launch the balloons in between showers! It was just a small, personal thing. But then again, it always is. It was just me, Andy, Layne, my mom, my sister & her boyfriend.
Without further wait, here are the pictures from today!

Sorry, I normally like to try to edit my pictures for perfection but wasn't able to do that tonight.

6 days down, 84 to go

World Meningitis Day

2010-04-24T03:33:00.004-04:00

Second Annual

World Meningitis Day
April 24th 2010

Please refer back to last years posts for more information on Meningitis
Post 1 - Types of Meningitis
Post 2 - Meningococcal Disease - What does it look like?
Post 3 - Meningococcal Disease - Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime.
Post 4 - Life After Meningitis
1st Annual World Meningitis Day - What can you do?
Pictures from last year

What can you do today?

Parent 2 Parent on Meningitis & Vaccines recommends:

Releasing balloons
Lighting a candle
Planting flowers

(Click here for more details)

You can also help spread the word about Meningitis by becoming a fan of Landan on Facebook & sharing his page with your family & friends.
(The link is in the left sidebar)

5 days down, 85 to go

I'm talkin' bout blah, blah, blah.

2010-04-23T03:01:00.004-04:00

Not much to report tonight, but I can't disappoint my meager 36 readers. I'm kidding, I love you all!

Today was pretty boring, we were home all day. I love our apartment but I really can't just get out & go for a walk. The street our apartment is connected to is a busy street with no sidewalks to walk on. LAME, I know! We can go outside and play but that's also kinda scary because since we don't have our own space I'm afraid Layne will take off like a bat outta hell & get ran over or something! Life of a paranoid mom ... Yes, I get it. -Sigh- Oh well, I know this summer we plan on taking him to the park that Landan used to love playing at. The cemetery Landan is buried in is actually right across the street. After Landan died, we met one of the Deacon's of our church at the cemetery so he could show us were Landan's plot would be. We realized how much of a gift it was that he would be buried their. Not only did the church donate Landan's plot to our family but the cemetery is sandwiched between railroad tracks & his favorite playground is across the street. Perfect! It's funny how things happen just when you need them too, ya know? Like at the end of Landan's funeral, as the colorful balloons we released danced around in the sky, looking like M&M's a train traveled by, blaring it's horn. It wasn't distracting from the moment like some would think. It was more like one of those peaceful "Ahh" moments. Those that knew Landan best, knew it was a sign from him. There have been many times where I'm feeling down at the cemetery, crying even, and I'll hear that train whistle and just smile. It's Landan.

I can't wait until Layne is older and wants to talk more about his brother Landan and know all sorts of things about him. I just wish I didn't have to explain things to him that way, I wish Landan was here with us. Obviously.

4 days down, 86 to go

Love You Forever

2010-04-21T02:31:00.005-04:00

For some reason this quote popped into my head when I was thinking about how much I love my kids.

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

If anyone has never heard that quote before, are you living under a rock? Just kidding of course! Got to add some light humor in case the remainder of the blog gets too heavy. We'll see I guess.

I can't count how many times a day I just sit and watch Layne do cute things. And I am just in awe. In awe of the baby boy that I love so much & hate to see grow up. So many times when I'm watching him, tears well up in my eyes. I'm so thankful to have Layne but miss Landan so much.

Every night before I pray I talk to Landan. Telling him how much I love & miss him and wish he were here with us. I can only daydream about times where our family is complete. Sometimes I let my thoughts get away from me & start thinking of the bad things, like the time in the hospital with Landan or just his death in general. I have to stop myself from getting worked up. I know I've mentioned in the blog previously but I will literally have to yell "STOP" over & over in my head as long as I need to until my mind switches to something else to focus on. Preferably a happier moment of our time with Landan.

I remember the pure hell in the days that followed Landan's death. Everyone went directly to my moms house. It all feels like such a blur, I just couldn't feel anything. No emotion at first, just shock. Andy & I went to the apartment that night to gather our things & some of Landan's things for the funeral. Before I went anywhere in the apartment I went straight to the computer so I could tell my close friends about Landan's death. I knew if I didn't do that first, I might not be able to after things hit me at the apartment. I know Andy tried to be supportive, but I was numb & didn't want his affection. I didn't want to be touched. I cried alone as I laid on Landan's bed. Then I went into our bedroom and cried on my bed holding Landan's pillow that his sweet little head slept just a few nights prior. I even laid on the floor, where I found his sickly body in hopes that I might get sick & die to. Honestly, I felt like Juliet laying their begging for something to be leftover to help my body follow Landan into death.

We went back to my moms and I hung around awhile making arrangements for Landan's funeral with family friends that were their to help us. Then I went upstairs to sleep for a few hours. I'd only slept maybe an hour in the past 24+ hours. It felt so lonely when I woke up because everyone was gone, it was dark & still raining. The next day family arrived & everyone was staying at my moms house. Even in a house, full of people I still felt so alone. I didn't sleep well at all. Two queen sized air mattresses were on the floor in my moms living room, I slept alone on one of them & Andy slept next to me on the couch. I woke him up frequently throughout the night to go outside & cry without waking anyone else. I vented my fresh anger at God & my disbelief that this was really happening to us, that Landan was gone.

I don't remember anything anyone said to me at the funeral home visitation or what I said to them. I just remember the faces of some of the people that came to give us their condolences and pay respect to Landan. It was a full house, which isn't unheard of when the death is that of a young child. It breaks so many hearts and is so, unnatural.

So back to the quote

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

It's so true. Plain and simple. Except I'd like to add some words to put a new perspective on it.

"I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living and wherever you are, my baby you'll be"

3 days down, 87 to go.

So it's Tuesday ... Again

2010-04-20T15:45:00.004-04:00

Andy woke me up about 30mins before it was time for him to go to work. He was going to put gas in my car & put the car seat in my car so Layne & I could go to my moms today while he was at work. I always check my phone when I get up & noticed I had a text message from my mom today. She was letting me know that they were on the way to the hospital, one of my younger sisters was being admitted. She has a cyst on her tailbone & it may have perforated her bowel. Great! My sister stopped at our apartment last week after school & mentioned that she thought she'd bruised her tailbone because it hurt. So she's at the hospital right now, the surgeon came in & they have her on IV antibiotics right now & will do an ultrasound on it tomorrow. Grrr I don't know why they aren't doing it today. Seems like a big deal to me but maybe that's because I'm an overprotective sister! When I talked to my mom she asked how I was, because she knows of my obvious anxiety issues. I told her I felt like I was going to vomit! lol She laughed & so did I. Thankfully my stomach doesn't really hurt anymore & I've been eating. I'm such a worry wart since about a year after Landan died.

Anyways, who knows what the plans are for today. I think Layne & I will be going up to the hospital later, or I'll wait until 9pm when Andy is home to go up to the hospital by myself. If you could, please keep my sister in your thoughts & prayers.

2 days down, 88 to go.

The past few days

2010-04-20T02:39:00.003-04:00

Andy has had the past two days off of work. So we've been lucky to have lots & lots of Daddy time!

On Saturday we went to hang out at my moms for a little while. I had one of my younger sisters cut my hair again & trim my bangs while Andy & Layne hung out downstairs. My mom was leaving to go to the grocery store so I talked her into taking Layne so I could go home & straighten my hair! lol Not like it was hard to talk her into. Andy & I headed home for an hour or so & hung around the apartment. We went back to my moms to pick Layne up, he'd napped almost the entire time they were shopping! My mom needed to head out to another grocery store & didn't want to go by herself so Layne & I went with her while Andy went to Walmart. He needed to get some new headphones because we can't seem to find his old ones anywhere! So he met up with my mom & I at Meijer & we finished shopping.

Sunday we dropped Layne off with Nana for a little while so Andy could run with me up to JoAnn Fabrics. I wanted to get some 4th of July fabric that was on sale. I just ordered a pair of American flag BabyLegs from Twinkle Baby Boutique and I want to make Layne a cute onesie to go with them. It will be his 4th of July outfit. After we left Andy & I went to find a used bookstore Andy wanted to check out but it was closed. So we ended up stopping in a comic book store. Andy said he felt like a kid again because he hadn't been inside a comic store in years! Afterwards we headed back to my moms & ended up hanging out for a while longer before we left to go home.

Today we ran around town doing some errands. We needed to stop at Walmart so we could pick Layne up his first potty chair. Yay! We'll see how that goes, so wish us luck! Then made a stop over at Hobby Lobby so I could pick up a few t-shirts. I plan on making shirts for a friend of mine. I've been telling her I wanted to make them forever now! So now I need to actually learn how to thread my sewing machine & get to work. I've had the sewing machine since March! It was my birthday present from Andy & the boys. I can't wait to use it because, to be honest, I'm kind of intimidated! I've never had my own sewing machine before. Andy keeps joking about how he thinks I don't even know how to sew & he won't believe it until he see's it! lol Hopefully he's pleasantly surprised. Then we decided to check out TJ Maxx because neither of us have ever been shopping in one before. I ended up snagging a super cute outfit for Layne & pair of jammies. On our way home Andy was hinting about eating at Chilies because he's never eaten at one before. So that's where we ended up. It was yummy & Layne loved his grilled cheese! Andy & I ended up each getting a alcoholic drink. Mine was yummy, his was WAY too strong! He didn't even like it & drank more of mine than his! lol I also managed to knock over the remaining 1/3rd of mine & I wasn't even tipsy! lol Go figure! Oh well.

Overall we've had a fun few days. We rented Brothers & District 9, both great movies & I liked them both! Andy has to go into work tomorrow afternoon, boo! But soon enough he'll be on vacation! I can't wait & I'm sure he's even more excited for it! lol

On a bad note ... We keep finding spiders in our room, I don't know how they're getting in. Tonight, the spiders set an all new record. Five ... Yes, count them ... F-I-V-E! UGH! I hate spiders, they terrify me! lol If we'd have found them before midnight I might be writing this blog from my moms living room. I'm totally not kidding! Just ask my mom & Andy lol When I was pregnant I found a spider in the bedroom, it was GIANT! The biggest we've ever had in the apartment & Andy was at work. I took a picture of the spider, I mean I obviously needed proof that this giant beast was in our bedroom! I couldn't kill it for two reasons. One - I was terrified. There was no way I'd even be able to come within FEET of that thing. Two - It was on our bed skirt and I was worried that I'd miss it and it would charge at me. Or maybe get away & come back with it's spider army. Scary stuff! lol So I did what any normal, pregnant, spider loathing woman would do ... I grabbed my pillow, closed the bedroom door, shoved a towel at the base of the door & got the hell outta their! lol Andy is just about as scared of spiders as I am but managed to kill it when he got off work. Can you believe that beast was in like the SAME spot many hours later when he got off work! Thank God it was though or I wouldn't have been able to sleep in the bedroom that night! Seriously ... I don't mess around with spiders! I remember once when Layne was sleeping in his swing I had to move the swing to the living room because a spider was in our room & Andy had just left for work lol Yuck!

Anyways, I rambled on long enough!

1 Day down, 89 to go.

90 Day Blogging Challenge

2010-04-19T20:54:00.002-04:00

So sometimes I suck at blogging. I'll get in blogging moods & blog for weeks ... Then I slack & don't blog for months. So I'm implementing a challenge to myself ... 90 full days of blogging! Stay tuned to see how it goes! The first blog of my challenge will be up tonight.

Good luck to me & happy reading to you!

Change is sooo hard!

2010-03-10T15:35:00.002-05:00

Since Layne is getting bigger & more independent, we've given him the independence he wants. We've moved the gates around in a way that he can go freely from the living room to his & Landan's bedroom.

Up to this point Landan's room has basically been a shrine ... I won't lie or deny that. But it's just so hard to not let that happen. It's been 3yrs & all of Landan's dirty clothes are still unwashed in & around his hamper, his bedding is the same, etc. Memorial things & other items we've bought since his death were neatly place on his bed & sprinkled around the rest of the room.

As soon as we started to let Layne have more freedom around the apartment I realized a time will come when he'll be climbing up on the bed more often & I didn't want him to tear up Landan's things. So I moved everything to be displayed on top of the entertainment center (which I posted pictures of) Shortly after I realized I might have made a mistake, maybe I wasn't ready to move it. I admitted that to Andy through a few tears shortly after everything had probably been moved. Andy told me he'd help me move back everything to exactly where it was, but I declined that offer because I know it's something I had to do. Even if I really didn't want to. It was basically a compromise with myself, because it was just being moved to a different spot in the room. It wasn't being taken OUT of the room. It was after that I realized I am NOT READY for a "room makeover" I thought I was ready to change up the theme of the room from Spongebob to Toy Story. But if it caused so much pain just to do what I've already done ... The I am NOT ready for such a huge change.
I'm so "clinging" to everything that is Landan's. I don't see how I'll ever have the strength to get rid of anything. Thank God I had another boy that can wear some of Landan's clothes. Obviously somethings will be too special or hold too many memories to share with any other child. But most is ok. I've never really admitted it to anyone else, maybe just a few people but I didn't even change my bedding for MONTHS ... Too many to even imagine probably. Andy wasn't even allowed to sleep in our bed with me for the longest time. I just couldn't give up the sheets & couldn't give up "Landan's spot" to anyone else. Now the bedding that was on the bed then is tucked away the bag our new bed set came it ... It will never be washed of course & never used again. The most recent challenge I'm approaching is the fact that we'll soon have a new couch. I never realized I could be so attached to a couch, but I am. I'm already having anxiety over getting rid of it. It was my first big purchase for the apartment, and one of the first things that was mine, Landan & Andy's. I have lots of pictures of Landan on the couch, etc. I've already decided that I'm cutting out a piece of the cushion. I feel like getting rid of it is like throwing out a memory of Landan. Realistically I know that's not what I'm doing, but things feel like that sometimes.

Last psychic we saw said Landan didn't want his room to be a shrine & he wanted his things played with. Idk, maybe one day I'll be able to give his things away to other children. I'm glad Layne will be able to play with certain things though. I have to do things at my pace & I'm thankful I'm not being pressured to do anything I don't want to do.
After pictures (cell phone quality):

I soooo want one of these!

2009-12-10T06:35:00.006-05:00

Check out MckMama's Giveaway blog for your chance to win one of these AWESOME computers! lol I know I'm hoping I win!
http://mckgiveaways.blogspot.com/2009/12/hp-touchsmart-giveaway.html

DROOL ... You can also win one from Kelly's Korner!
http://kellyskornerreviews.blogspot.com/2009/12/hey-who-wants-to-win-free-computer.html

Andy's laptop is on the fritz, it would be so awesome to win one of these!
http://totallytogetherreviews.blogspot.com/2009/12/hp-touchsmart-computer-review-and-give.html

AND BooMama is giving one away too, ahh I want this soo bad! lol
http://boomama.net/hp-touchsmart-600-giveaway/

Anxiety, yet again ...

2009-10-17T04:43:00.003-04:00

Ugh I'm so, so tired of having anxiety. If Landan were here I wouldn't have this problem. But I know it's not his fault & I'm not blaming God either. I just know though that if Landan were here & hadn't died I wouldn't have to deal with his! Life was perfect then. It's just shy of perfect now. The only thing that keeps life from being perfect is Landan not being here.

My stomach is turning & I feel nauseous. My heart is telling me it's anxiety, but my head is fucking me me & telling me it must be something more complex. I've been trying hard today to push through it all but I'm human. I get weak & can't do it. I basically "cater" to my anxiety because I give in to it! I allow myself to get caught up in it & I don't know how to change that! I hope that one day I'm able to get a hand on my anxiety & not get so caught up in it. I feel the simplest thing that someone without anxiety would brush of and I get caught up in it & it spirals out of control. It's so stupid! And I realize that. But I don't know how to not give in to the feeling. Since like 10-11mos after Landan died, I've been terrified of death. Before that time I welcomed it in a way because I wanted to be with Landan. Now I realize that I'm not ready to die. Which comforts me in a way & I'll explain why. At my support groups, alot of the other parents share how their children said something like "I know I'm not going to live a long life." or other things of that nature. So I try to tell myself that because I'm so afraid of death that maybe it's not my time! I've been to a few psychics since Landan has died. And they've mentioned things in the future & how I will have more children. So I feel like I still have life to live. So why am I so afraid that I'm going to die all the time?

God give me the strength to overcome this! I beg you! Show me that their is something beyond this world so I'm not so afraid! I'm tired of anxiety ruling my life half the time. Turn down the intensity on my anxiety, something! Please Lord, come wrap your arms around me & allow me to feel the comfort of your presence.

School's Started

2009-09-11T05:17:00.002-04:00

... a few weeks ago, or more. I know. I was just sitting here realizing how much it sucks that I couldn't experience preschool, kindergarten, 1st grade ... and so on & so forth. Breaks my heart. I see pictures from all these little ones & their first day of school & I imagine how it would have felt if it were me. How excited I would have been, and how excited he would have been as well. I feel so cheated out of so many things. Things I've already missed out on with Landan, and things I will continue to miss out on for the rest of my life. Blah, I'm just sad.

Don't ever not feel good please!

2009-07-24T17:31:00.002-04:00

Copy & pasting this from my JustMommies forum

*DH=Dear husband

Well I just got up from the total of 4hrs that I slept. Layne has a double ear infection, we went to the ER this morning.

Late last night Layne got kinda crabby about 3amish DH went to put Layne back to bed & after an hour of DH shushing Layne & trying to comfort him, I got him up and held him on my lap, he felt hot & finally fell asleep on my chest. I was telling DH that I thought he had a fever & was starting to worry about Layne but we born assumed that it was most likely from him crying for an hour. I started to get emotional & cried, I hate that I have to worry everytime my child get's sick because I have guilt that I didn't worry enough when Landan got sick. So at 5am we finally get in bed, I couldn't sleep at all, I laid their & tried to sleep, got out of bed a few times, etc. I was just having anxiety over Layne & was so worried about him. At 7:30am Layne started crying again so DH got out of bed to shush him back to sleep. He was still getting upset so DH got up with him & went out to the living room. DH came to get me only a few mins later saying "Somethings not right" Said that when he got Layne out of his swing he shivered & seemed like he was in pain when someone touched him. Layne was also grunting & squinting his eyes. So I asked if he wanted me to call my mom to get her opinion on what we should do. My mom said to take him to the emergency room, we thought it might be pneuomonia or RSV. So we took him in, after we got checked in & were in the waiting room Layne squinted his eyes & whimpered like 4-5times in a row. I was starting to feel panicky. Then the nurse comes to get us & we're walking to the room that we're going to be in. As we walked up to the room a wave of panic & emotions came over me. It was the exact same room I was in with Landan when we rode with the ambulance & went to that same hospital when he was sick. I was shaking & DH was calming me down. I felt like we were going to find out something horrible after being in that room again, like impending doom was coming. The Dr came in just a few mins later, she was a very sweet lady. We mentioned everything that had been going on, answered some of her other questions & told her why we were so nervous about everything. I started to tell her about Landan & DH took over. He started crying telling her about Landan & that when we were in the NICU we felt that noone cared about our previous loss & why we were so scared about Layne being in the NICU because we'd already lost a child. Again, she was so very nice & sensitive about our situation. She did an examination on him & turns out he has a double ear infection. I kept asking, "So his lungs & heart are fine?" Even though she'd checked them & said they sound perfect. I guess I just felt like it had to be something else, something more serious. Especially since we were in the room in the ER that they told us "he's a very sick little boy" in & you know how that story goes ...

So he's on amoxocillin & tylenol. We left the hospital & went to see my mom (she works at Rite Aid in the pharmacy) to get his perscription. DH called work & let them know what was going on, they understood why we were concerned & why we had taken him to the ER so they called in someone to cover his shift. After we got home & before I laid down to take a nap DH hugged me & started bawling. (He'd kill me if he know I was posting this.) But I know he has guilt for not being here when I had to call 911 & do all that by myself with Landan. But he was at work, so that's not his fault. And he said to me "I love you guys so much. I just feel like, in situations like these that Landan was with him telling him everythings going to be ok" (Tears)

I know it doesn't sound like a big deal. But this is the first time we've ever had deal with anything medical & our child acting weird. But I'm thankful that it's nothing major. Thanks for reading.

Finally - An update

2009-07-12T19:58:00.006-04:00

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted on my blog. Wow.

Nothing big has been going on, we enjoyed Father's Day at my in-laws house this year. They recently moved into a new house that has an apartment over a detached garage. So we now have our own little space when we come to visit. It was awesome! Here are pictures from our Father's Day 2009 weekend.

Andy being a dork - wearing the Father's Day shirt
I made for him.

Our apartment at his moms house.
Living room
Living room
Kitchen
Layne's first time swimming
Playing in the crib at my in-laws while Mama & Dada pack to go home.

We also planted flowers, got a flower basket & new angel for the cemetery. A good friend of mine, Kerin had been donating to Landan's memorial fund for months, along with a donation from another good friend, Jess. Here are a few pictures below. The first is of my mom, stepdad & grandpa weeding before we planted the flowers.
This is currently what the set-up looks like at the cemtery.

Layne also enjoyed his 1st Fourth of July at Ft. Meigs in Perrysburg. Every year on the 3rd, the Fort puts on a huge fireworkds display. Layne was such a good boy (as always). Here are some pictures below of that.

Layne playing in his stoller with his toys while we're waiting for the fireworks.

Layne watching the fireworks with his "Bebe" which is Landan's nickname but also stands for "Brother Bear" for Layne. This bear is from Build-A-Bear that we made after Layne was born. it has Landan's voice playing in it, singing "Take My Breathe Away"

And last but not least - Layne making his little mad/stinker face lol He loves making this face & making this face with Mama & Dada.
Playing on the floor with "Bebe"

Update soon

2009-07-12T03:58:00.001-04:00

Had this open with full intentions on updating my blog. Grrr. Then time flew by. Look for an update tomorrow!

3 Cases of Bacterial Meningitis in Ohio

2009-05-27T18:28:00.004-04:00

"A spokesperson with the county's health department stressed, this latest case involving the 11-month old baby, was unrelated to two other cases, involving two mothers who had just given birth."

http://www.wdtn.com/dpp/news/local/springfield/WDTN_Third_case_of_bacterial_meningitis

My heart goes out to Susan's family, what a tragic story to have happen. Obviously all Meningitis related deaths have a special place in my heart because that's what Landan died from. Please pray for Susan's family & her newborn baby as well as the two patients still fighting Meningitis.

"I guess heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you ..."

2009-05-21T22:11:00.004-04:00

Heaven Was Needing A Hero - Jo De Messina

I've been absent from this blog for awhile. I was having a hard time with anxiety recently & just didn't feel like doing anything. I never do when I'm having anxiety, I dwell too much & can't seem to focus on anything else. I did, however, use that time to make a new memorial video for Landan. I came across a really beautiful song by Jo Dee Messina, and HAD to make a video for Landan with it. Check it out below.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T21:54:00.002-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there! I hope you all had a wonderful day with your families!

I'd like to share a poem that a friend wrote & shared with me. Enjoy!

Dear mama, I wrote this just for you
But let everyone else know that I love and miss them too
Mother's Day is coming and I want it to be special
Don't worry, I'll be watching every second from the threshold
I may seem like an eternity away, but know this is true
That althrough you may not see me, I am always there with you
I think about you every day, and pray for you every night
Every morning I rise the sun to turn your dark to light
I love to look down and reflect on memories
I'm always listening mama, so you can always talk to me
Although you cannot hear me, I tell you everyday
How much I love and miss you, but my voice is too far away
Mother's Day is my favorite day, because although I am gone
I tell all of my angel friends, I have the worlds best mom
Layne loves you very much because he told me so
We'll both always be your babies, I just wanted you to know
I sent you a special gift because I'm far away
I couldn't wrap it though, but you'll get it on this mother's day
I sent you gifts only you'll know of, and they mean very much
Along with my love I sent you my soft gentle touch
I know that you will feel it, just search within your heart
And all day long remember, that we aren't far apart
I'll be close with you especially, I will fill your day with joy
I'm proud to tell all of heaven that i'm your little boy
The magic you've felt in life is endless, and do not be alarmed
Cause while others dream of angels, you held one in your arms
Have a happy mother's day and smile just for me
When I look down at you, that's all I want to see
I love you mama very much, so on Sunday enjoy
Take care, love Landan, a.k.a. your little boy <3
-Carolyn-

Wednesday's Walk - First time

2009-05-06T05:51:00.006-04:00

This is my first time participating in "Wednesday's Walk" on the Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground blog.

This blog will be about my sweet angel, Landan.

He was such a charismatic boy, his mere presence would light up a room! He was loved by so many & is now loved by many - across the world! It's quite touching to our family!

But today I want to remember his "photography skills" It was always a pleasant surprise to find these "self photography" images for Landan on my camera. Now it's even more of a treasure. He left me with sweetest pictures. The images that follow, aren't just self portraits of Landan, but things about him I don't want to forget.

I remember countless nights watching Landan sleep, thanking God for giving me this precious little boy that I love with all my heart. Asking God to please never take him from me & to let me go before him. I looked upon him in amazement that this handsome little boy is MY son!

I miss watching him sleep.
Landan LOVED video games! And man-o-man was he great at them! We were always amazing by how smart he was! He'd watch someone do something, and you could almost see the gears turning in his head figuring things out. His favorite video game was "Mario Sunshine" for the GameCube. In the beginning he'd call me in the bedroom to do certain things for him. But soon got to a point where he didn't need his Mama to help him. He was better than me at that game! lol He'd just go right in the bedroom, turn on the GameCube & get his game started!

I miss watching him play.

Self portrait of Landan below, how precious. He's such a goofy little guy.

I miss finding his self portraits when I upload camera pictures.

Another photo, courtesy of Landan. It's of his sweet little foot. Man I loved to munch on those sweet little feet.

I miss everything from the tootsies on your feet, to a single straind of hair on your beautiful little head.
I miss your crazy blonde hair! It grew so quickly & you still had the sweet little curls at the ends of your locks.

I miss running my fingers through your blonde hair.

"And I'll help you find the way To get rid of all your pain Little by little, day by day"

2009-05-06T00:32:00.004-04:00

Heaven (Little by Little) - There of a Deadman
(Can be heard by scrolling down to my music player)

Anxiety - Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components.^[1] These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, fear, or worry.

Under "Symptoms" - One of the most common symptoms of anxiety is fear, which includes the fear of dying. "You may...fear that the chest pains [a physical symptom of anxiety] are a deadly heart attack or that the shooting pains in your head [another physical symptom of anxiety] are the result of a tumor or aneurysm. You feel an intense fear when you think of dying, or you may think of it more often than normal, or can’t get it out of your mind." ^[6]Wow, did they write that last sentence ~~specifically~~ about me? Feels like it to me! But I'm sure everyone that has anxiety is relieved by the fact that they aren't the only ones experiencing these debilitating issues! Let's talk about some of my irrational thoughts recently.

I'm so afraid to die since the death of my sweet Landan.

Swine Flu - I lost sleep over this. My husband, God love him, I know gets so sick of hearing me talk about dying. Or some horrible disease I must have because of this, this & this. Anyways, back to Swine Flu (or H1N1 respectfully) I was so deathly afraid that we were going to get this, I spent alot of mornings searching articles about the recent happenings, looked at my hospital discharge papers from when Layne was born trying to determine if the flu vaccine I got had a name. That was when I was trying to research if last years flu vaccine was effective against the Swine flu (it is not.) I was forever making sure my husband & I were using hand sanitizer coming in & out of our apartment building, etc. Since the outbreak numbers have started to taper, my anxiety has lowered about it. BUT, now I worry about NEXT flu season because they're talking about how it could flare up worse next time! Thankfully, I also read that they are not seeing the components in this flu strain that cause the deadly outbreak in 1918.

2012 - You might be wondering what in the world that is? I really don't even want to talk about it because it still bothers me. But apparently, the world is going to end 12/27/2012! I was clicking around the internet one night. Saw a blog where this nut (he really was, I think he was putting on an act to be honest) about the world ending on the date previously mentioned. So I clicked on another link from his blog, well that was a movie trailer for the movie "2012" coming out this Novemeber. The writer of this movie also wrote & directed "The Day After Tomorrow" & "Indepencence Day". Which are two other "Doomsday" type movies. So from THAT site, I clicked on another link & all hell broke loose! My anxiety spiraled out of control over this "2012 Doomsday" business! I literally had to search google for articles against this claim & even went to the NASA website to find information on this! NASA has a section where people can ask questions, the 2012 question has been asked a few times recently. The person, I think he was some type of astronomer (don't quote me) let everyone know this wasn't true. It eased my fears some. I even chatted with my mom online one night about it. See, I believe in the Bible, and it tells us their that we do not know when God will come back, we are to be ready everyday for Him to come. I found comfort in that, but then asked my mom "what if I'm not a good enough Catholic to have Him take me when He comes back" (because at this point I'm still concerned about Him not coming before the world ends.)

I'm sorry if I'm going in circles, this is really just for me to express my inner feelings & struggles with anxiety. I'm so tired of being worried about dying all the time. If I'm tired before bedtime - I'm worried, if I have some sort of pain - I'm worried, if I have a headache or stomach ache - I'm worried. It sucks! I wish I could take meds, but I'm so paranoid about side effects. It's sad & pathetic! I have confidence that some day, my anxiety will be so tiny that I might not even notice it! Like the sentence that the beginning (the one in bold) I think of dying like once a day, too much! I'm not morbid, just scared!

If you have any words you think might help comfort me, please feel free to share them in a comment! Or if you want to vent about your own anxiety - Feel free! If your going to tell me you believe in 2012, PLEASE REFRAIN! lol

"Im a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, Im wanted dead or alive"

2009-05-02T05:57:00.004-04:00

Bon Jovi "Wanted Dead or Alive"

So an awesome friend my my PR, Kim had a contest to win one of her super cute creations! They're called "Drool Bandanas" Really, can you think of a cuter way to catch the drool from your sweet babys mouth? Here is Layne modeling his! Check our her Etsy! She has them for girls too!

What's that? I think I hear your baby saying that they want to be like the cool kids & have a drool bandana too!

Here comes the last time I'm gonna kiss you, The first night sleeping alone, Here comes the hardest thing, We've ever known

2009-05-01T04:16:00.003-04:00

Lyrics by Butch Walker "Here Comes The ..." Ft. Pink

Going to try something different. Makes me step out of the box a little. I'm going to try to use lyrics as my post topics. Yesterday I used a poem, might use those every now-and-then.

I actually sat awhile deciding what I should post about. I'm still not 100% sure where I'm going with this post, I'm sure all will come together in the end though. We'll see how things pan out.

If you don't already know who Kayleigh Ann Freeman is, you should visit her blog. She was born 3mos early at 1lb 1oz, 10.5in long. She's had many trials during her short life & has proved that miracles DO happen many times. Recently she's suffered an undetected lack of oxygen to her brain or a brain bleed that has left her "brain dead." My heart breaks for her family, who was so excited to be taking her home. That goal was getting closer & closer. Now, sadly, they will be taking her home soon to spend their last day's with her.

Kayleighs mom Aimee spoke in the blog tonight. Many of the things she spoke about I could relate too 100%, after having lost a child myself. She spoke about being in shock after finding out Kayleigh was brain dead, buying funeral clothes & the unfairness of her siblings not getting to meet the most amazing person in her life.

All things, as I've said, I can relate to.

I remember the shock after the PICU Dr. told us Landan was gone. I couldn't even process what he was saying, I heard him. But I stood in bewilderment at the words that came from his lips. He must be lying, this couldn't be happening to MY Landan. Nope, noway! I remember shopping for funeral clothes with my mom & best friend. And I've often told my husband & others how unfair it was to any future child we have that they'll never know Landan like we did. All things I can't change, though I've wished that I could.

"You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes."

2009-04-28T03:00:00.004-04:00

I got a beautiful email from a friend just a few days, hope you don't mind D. She always picks me up with her emails, and I'm sure I've told her that before. Recently she'd told me that she often thinks of Landan & that knowing about him makes her happy. She said other beautiful words as she always does, but I wanted to blog about a sentence she said in the email. I just feel like it's something I should talk about. Get my feelings out.

"I will say It is definitly not fair that he was taken from you, His mama, way to soon. I don't know if I could ever forgive that and in the same breath I couldn't be more grateful to have had him for what ever time and purpose I was given."

Who knew that someone who hasn't lost a child could be so "on page" with my own thoughts? Sometimes I wish their were a book on how to grieve the "right" way. Then maybe it would be easier. I still have anger about Landan's passing. I just can't wrap my head around the why's & what if's.

Why Landan? Why me? Why our family?
What if I would have taken him to the hospital the night before?
What if we didn't go here, or there?

Anyways, back to the email quote. I still am working on forgiving God for Landan's passing, not that he's really to blame I guess. I don't have anyone to blame except the disease. My mom says she's glad that we have no one to blame, that it would eat away at us. I guess I can see where she's coming from. But I also wish I had someone I could hate for taking Landan away. But I think I'd be tortured by those visions if someone did something awful to him. Not that I'm not already anxiety stricken by the visions of the end anyways. Sometimes I'll be laying in bed & I'll be thinking about the time Landan was at the hospital ... Then I get this adrenaline rush & an anxious feeling because I just can't believe this happened. I never thought I'd be in this place I am now. I used to visit memorial pages for other children who passed away too soon. I remember sheading tears of saddness for these children & their families. Now people are doing that for our loss. Nope, never in a million years did I think Landan wouldn't outlive me. I know you've heard it before, but children are supposed to outlive their parents! We're not supposed to bury our children! So I'm still working on things & living after this loss. I miss Landan so much though, I do anything for him to be here with us! I think God forgives me for being angry with him.

I feel so, so blessed to have been the mama of an angel sent to earth. Landan is & was perfect. I feel like the luckiest mom in the world. He's touched so many lives it's amazing, and I always hear atleast once a week about another life he's touched. It fills my heart with joy. Truely.

I've also been blessed with another son! So I guess I'm not being punished or not worthy as I may have thought immediately after Landan's death. Now the hole in my heart isn't as big. I have someone to share my love with again. I can't even describe the feeling I get cuddling Layne. Sometimes I don't want to let go, or I can't pry my lips away from kissing on him. I'm so thankful for my boys (hubby included) I love them all!

I love being the pink in my house of blue.

Pictures from World Meningitis Day

2009-04-25T23:40:00.005-04:00

Today was World Meningitis Day, as you would know if you've been following along with my blog, lol. So we went to Wal*Mart & got one of the disposable helium tanks so we could release some balloons. The black balloons you see say "Meningitis-Angels" on them. A dear friend, Sherry sent them to me. Last year I was unable to attend the Meningitis-Angels Conference in Houston, TX because I was 8mos pregnant with Layne. So Sherry sent me a "conference-in-a-box"! It was amazing, she wanted me to feel like I was their, and boy did she hit the nail on the head! She sent me these left over ballons & wanted me to release them on Landan's special days. Sadly, Sherry has since passed away. I was telling my husband as I grabbed some balloons to take

"I feel sad about seeing these balloons. I never thought that she wouldn't be able to see these pictures when I sent the balloons up."

I was then reminded though, Sherry WILL see these balloons! I know she was watching over us today, sitting next to my Landan on a cloud. Today I celebrated Landan & Sherry's life & fight against Meningitis at our balloon release. One black balloon was for Landan, one was for Sherry & the last for the other fighters who fought so hard against Meningitis.

Here are some pictures of Landan's little brother, Layne, whom will always know what a hero his big brother is.

"Today we celebrated the fight you fought Landan. Your so amazing to everyone that knows you, and a little hero in so many eyes. I miss you terribly & would do anything to wrap my arms tightly around you. I yuv you bebe!"

Nana releasing Landan's balloons

World Annual Meningitis Awarenes Day

2009-04-25T16:05:00.007-04:00

First Annual

World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Today is the very 1st Annual World Meningitis Day! On this day, we remember the lives lost & dramatically affected by meningitis. We should also use this day to spead some awareness to others!

Things you can do:
Take 10mins to share our story with atleast one person.
Visit a few websites dedicated to Meningitis Awareness.
Light a candle at 7pm (your time) in memory of the lives lost to Meningitis so that a wave of light goes around the world.

Our plans for today include a balloon release to remember Landan & the others who lost their life to Meningitis, participate in the 'around the world' candle lighting & spreading awareness by sharing our story with one new person.

A few friends have taken time to spread some awareness through their blogs! Marisa & Kerin (myspace blog) Thank you ladies so much!

I'll post our pictures later from the balloon release!

Meningitis Awareness Week Days 4 & 5

2009-04-23T14:23:00.004-04:00

First Annual

World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Meningitis Week - Days 4 & 5
Life after Meningitis

Many Earth Bound Angels will not only suffer the loss of limbs, major organ damage including, brain, kidney, skin, but also blindness, deafness, have to give up attending school, quit college or receive less of an education, feel alienation form society and they often experience some or all of these life changes. The damage of meningitis is life long.

One of the most common complications is deafness, which affects around one in ten people, and can either be temporary or permanent. Blindness is also a possible complication

During the illness, septicemia (blood poisoning) can occur, and in extreme cases can result in a diminished blood supply to the feet, toes, hands and fingers. This may result in the need for skins grafts or even amputation.

Common health & behavior problems after having Meningitis includes: general tiredness, giddiness, bouts of aggression, recurring headaches/severe migraines, balance problems, mood swings, difficulty in concentration, violent temper tantrums, deafness, short-term memory lapses, tinnitus (ringing in ears), joint soreness/stiffness, clumsiness, eyesight difficulty/ blindness, epilepsy, amputation of limbs, depression, brain damage, paralysis, skin grafts, kidney problems, development of nero muscular diseases, digestive problems, & stunt bone growth.

Can Meningitis attack you more than once?
YES!

Above information above © Meningitis-Angels Organization
www.meningitis-angels.org

Meningitis Awareness Week Day 3

2009-04-22T05:47:00.004-04:00

First Annual

World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Meningitis Week - Day 3
Meningococcal Disease - Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime

Below you'll see a PSA from The National Meningitis Association

Anyone: It cares not how old you are. You could be one month, three years, twenty-five years, or sixty years old.
Heaven Bound Angel Stories
Earth Bound Angel Stories

Anywhere: Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter. It likes no specific season.
See just how frequently this is happening!

Anytime: Morning, noon or night. Who knows when it will unleash it's wrath.
Jessica's Story (Video, grab your tissues)

Meningitis Awareness Week Day 2

2009-04-21T03:28:00.020-04:00

First Annual

World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Meningitis Week - Day 2
Meningococcal Disease - What does it look like?

One of the "tell-tale" signs of Meningococcal Disease is the rash that appears on the body. The troubling thing is, once the rash get's to that point, the disease has already rapidly progressed & infection is in the bloodstream. The disease progresses even quicker from here on out. That is called "Septicemia". This rash will not blanch, which means if you look at the rash under a glass cup the rash will not disappear from the pressure you apply.

**GRAPHIC PICTURES BELOW**

Here are pictures of what the Meningococcal rash looks like. These are different stages of progression. This is exactly the type of rash Landan had.

*Note - These are not actual pictures of Landan. I'm using these pictures as a visual*

This is how Landan looked when I woke to find him laying on the floor at the end of my bed. When I was on the phone with my mom & then called 911, I told them it looked like he had bruises all over his body.

The pictures that follow are what the rash looked like when we saw Landan an hour after we got to the hospital. They'd rapidly progressed into this darker color & started covering his limbs instead of being spaced out like the first picture.

In this picture you can see that the infection is mostly in the limbs, you might be wondering why? It's because our bodies push the infection out to the limbs in attempt to protect our "core" organs from failing. Which makes alot of sense, it's pretty crazy to realize how smart our bodies are! We can live without our limbs, but can obviously not without our important organs. But this picture depicts VERY well how Landan looked in the end. My poor sweet little man. It makes me so sad to know what his body endured.

An excerpt from Landan's Story
"At 9am I woke up to find Landan laying on the floor next to my bed covered in, what looked to me, like bruises. I sat up straight in bed and frantically tried to focus my eyes because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought he was dead, I was so afraid to touch him. I thought he was going to be cold. Once my eyes focused I saw he was breathing, touched him and felt that he was still warm. I ran to the kitchen where my cell phone was plugged in, I yelled Landan's name while I was running to the kitchen so he would stay conscious. I called my mom and then 911. When the paramedics arrived they checked his vitals but they knew he was sick so took him out to the ambulance. I remember sitting in the ambulance and asked the driver when we were going to leave, it felt like we sat their forever. We took him to the best hospital in the area, Toledo Children's Hospital. The last thing Landan said to me while we were in the ER before they took him up to the PICU was "Mama hold me" but I couldn't because they needed to get him up to the PICU as soon as they could. I think I said "It's ok bebe." We followed him up, and I remember my mom asking the doctor on the way up if he was going to be ok, and he said something like "... he's a very sick little boy ..." We waited in the waiting room down the hall from the PICU for about an hour. Before the doctor came down they sent a Chaplin in to talk to us, my mom knew then that he was really sick. The PICU doctor came in shortly and told us Landan had bacterial meningitis and it was a 90% mortality rate."

www.angellandan.com

Meningitis Awareness Week Day 1

2009-04-20T04:04:00.003-04:00

First Annual

World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009
Meningitis Week - Day 1
Types of Meningitis

Gearing up - Make yourself aware!

2009-04-19T03:28:00.007-04:00

First Annual

World Meningitis Day
April 25th 2009

The very first World Meningitis Day! I'm very happy to see this day & to see Meningitis being recognized around the world! Starting tomorrow (the 20th) I'm going to post some information about Meningitis, & it's different forms each day until the 25th, along with a link to an informative website about Meningitis. I hope you'll join me & learn something about Meningitis that you may not know.

As always, let us remember sweet Landan during this time & the amazing fight he fought against Meningococcal Meningitis!

First foods & messy faces

2009-04-10T01:08:00.006-04:00

We started Layne on solid foods recently. Do this point he's had green beans, sweet potatoes & is on peas right now! I think we're going to give him squash or carrots next.

Here are some pictures of Layne enjoying his sweet potatoes

Or maybe not lol!
Here is our messy face picture from the next day at dinner. He was putting his
hands up in his mouth & getting it all over the place. I figured "Oh well" I'll just clean him
up afterwards & figured that this could be a really cute picture! lol He was being really excited in this picture, as if you couldn't tell! lol
Maybe he'll like the peas!

Hmm, I'm not sure about these mommy! lol
In all seriousness though, he has enjoyed the foods. The first bites may have been a little rough but he's a good eater. He gets his tongue in the way sometimes & pushes his food out, but we're making progress! I think cereal mixed with apple juice is his absolute favorite though! He scarfs that down!

And here's a bonus picture. Daddy took this of Layne while mommy was still sleeping. My sweet, sleepy little boy!

Well, I'm off to play Call of Duty! Don't know what I'm talking about? Check here!

Bittersweet

2009-04-07T02:51:00.005-04:00

This is a picture of Layne with two stuffed animals that were to be given to Landan on Christmas Day 2006. I never really thought about how bittersweet this picture is until right now. Landan wanted these two stuffed animals SO bad! He would look through the Toys R Us Big Toy guide and pick out the toys he wanted. If he was showing me he'd say "Want that Mama!" And said the same thing to my mom. We told him he'd have to ask Ho-ho.

The weekend before Landan passed away my mom went with me to get some of Landan's Christmas presents. He was at his dads so it was a good opportunity. We got Landan the Dora & Diego stuffed characters he wanted so badly & a big table top train set. Sadly, Landan never received those presents. God it breaks my heart so badly. Instead of seeing his excited face on Christmas morning, these things were displayed at the funeral home. Some family set up & displayed his train. Eventually we plan to donate his train set to the hospital he passed away at. In 2006 we got a plaque to screw on to the train set that says "In Memory of Landan Harris" with his dates & the URL to his Memory-Of website.

GamerChiX wha?

2009-04-05T04:19:00.010-04:00

Let me start by saying ... "You think you know, but you have no idea ..."
Ok, just trying to add a little drama! Did I do an ok job?

Some of you may or may not know, I'm a Gamer Chix. I spend hours playing on our Xbox 360, which Andy loves because he likes video games too. Well ok, Andy doesn't love that I hog the Xbox sometimes! We need another one for sure, then we could play online at the same time.

Since December I've been obsessed with Call of Duty:World At War! Yeaa! I play daily. I actually took a small break for like two weeks, I can't believe I didn't play for that long! I'm also a part of Foxy Gaming's COD division! I practice twice a week with the other ladies that play Call of Duty. I also play Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare with them as well (can't wait for Modern Warfare 2 to come out this November!) Call of Duty has 65 rankings to go through. As you go along it takes more & more points to rank up. You get 10pts for killing someone, a recon plane, artillery & dogs. So you can see how it could take some time to rank. So after you go through the 65 rankings you have the option to "Prestige" which basically means starting at the beginning again & working your way up, except you have a special badge so people know you've Prestiged. Currently I'm on my first prestige at level 28. At this point in time, my higest "streak" is 15. That means I killed 15 people before I was killed. And my highest total kills is 34! Yay! That's a high number from my 1-4 kills in the beginning. lol Ahh it's just so much fun. I'm addicted! I'm sure you probably think I'm morbid of playing this game. But for me it's not really about getting a rush from killing people. It's just so much fun playing on Xbox Live with other people from around the world! Sometimes technology still amazes me when it comes to the internet & online gaming! Gezz!

Here is a picture of Layne & I playing Call of Duty: World At War

And here is a graphic of Layne "playing" on the Xbox 360 for your viewing pleasure!
Still can't quite picture what I'm talking about? Here is a video I found that someone has posted on YouTube so you can see what the game looks like!

Oh, and did you hear Kiefer Sutherlands voice in the second video! lol

Do you have a Xbox 360? AND a Gold Membership? Well then, ADD ME! And we'll play together!
Gamertag: SeniorLux

About the 5 generations

2009-04-05T01:54:00.004-04:00

I talked about how we used to have five generations in this post here. I found the picture of us all. The quality is bad because I took a picture of the original with my moms cell phone. So I kinda edited it a little to make it look old.

Green Beans & Great-Grandpa's

2009-04-03T22:09:00.010-04:00

We started Layne on his first foods 4/2/09! Yay. He actually did really well with them. Only made a yucky face on the first bite. I don't think he liked how soupy the baby food is. I make his cereal thicker & he eats that alot better. He'll get the hang of it soon though I'm sure!

Layne also met his Great-Grandpa on 4/2/09. Grandpa enjoyed being able to meet Layne for the first time! We used to have 5 generations. But my great-great grandma passed away & then Landan so we were quickly widdled down to 3. Now with Layne here we have 4 generations. It's still hard to believe we lost two dear family members in such a short amount of time.

Spongebob, Baby food & Sitting alone

2009-04-02T02:38:00.004-04:00

So since Layne's Ped's appt last Friday we've been consistently feeding him cereal nightly. I aim for anywhere between 8-10pm so we can have some sort of schedule! Today we all went to the grocery store & spent about $30 getting Layne's "First Foods" Yay! Weird now how they come in the little plastic cups. When Landan was a baby it was stricktly the little glass jars, sometimes I can't believe how quickly things change! So anyways, we got - Green beans, Peas, Carrots, Squash, Sweet Potatoes, Bananas & Apple Sauce. We also got some juice to add to his cereal & more cereal! I can't wait to feed him tomorrow, yet at the same time can't grasp how 5months went by so quickly!

When we got home, I asked Andy if he'd help me clean out a shelf in the cupboard to keep Layne's baby foods. Well he didn't want my help & told me he'd rather do it himself. lol But I stood to "observe" anyways lol I pulled a Spongebob bathroom cup out of the cupboard & inside it was an old bottle of Landan's Spongebob vitamins. I put them up for Andy to see & made a pouty lip. I told him I guess I'd take these things to Landan's room & started to walk away to do that. He must have seen me walking on the edge with my emotions & asked if I was going to cry. I turned around, walked back to him & put my head on his shoulder & started to cry. It's hard when these things jump right out at you, things you have memories of! When we moved into the apartment, we got an entire Spongebob bathroom set-up! This particular cup came with the set & sat on the sink. For some reason, Landan had an obsession with turing on the water in the bathroom, filling up this cup and drinking out of it. lol Little stinker! So it made me sad to see that today. I miss him so much.

Later on I was talking to a friend on the phone. She's also an angel mom, so I shared what happend today with her. Then we talked a little about Layne, she asked if he was sitting up yet - I said yes. She was wondering if he was sitting up in the middle of the floor yet - Well at that particular moment, the answer to that question was no. But low and behold, just 20mintues later, Layne was sitting on his own, in the middle of the floor. Granted, this skill isn't perfected 100% yet! But he's doing so well! My little, big man.

Yay big boy!

Tiiiiimmbeerrrr!

JustMommies.com

2009-03-31T19:29:00.006-04:00

If your a mommy, expecting or trying to conceive you need to check this website out!! The JustMommies community has been so fun to be a part of! I think they have every kind of board that you'd want to be involved in. Due Date Clubs, Trying to Concieve, Playrooms, Photography, Siggies, etc. I could go on & on! lol

Apart from the forums on JustMommies, they have loads of information for parents.
Information includes:
Parenting Information
Pregnancy Information
Trying to Conceive
Celebrity Baby News

That is only a small portion of all JustMommies has to offer! They recently updated their forum software. While the transition was a little bumpy, things got back to order in a fairly quick manner. We've been told that this change will offer alot of new features to the forum!

ETA: Their is a forum for Angel Moms as well!

Under Construction

2009-03-29T06:09:00.003-04:00

Again! Working on a 3 column layout & new background with header. Yay!

I still have a little tweeking to do yet, but other than that I'm very happy with the results! Go me!

Edit: I actually realized I'm going to re-do this again tomorrow lol Some little things are bugging me!

Stellan's Name Gallery

2009-03-26T04:05:00.002-04:00

This is my creation for Stellan's Name Gallery.

You can read the latest about him on MckMama's blog.

Life without an arm

2009-03-10T23:58:00.004-04:00

So my mom & I went to our monthly bereaved parents support group meeting tonight. Unfortunately we had a new family join us. It's been 10mos since their loss. Everytime a new family join, it kinda takes us back to talking about the emotions we felt in the beginning, how we coped, etc.

But anyways, another father was talking about how we go on & "adjust". He had a great example about going on after the loss of a child that I'd never thought of before. He said it's like losing an arm ... you can survive after you've lost an arm, but your going to do things differently & life will never be the same. I sat & thought about what a good example that is. I survive without Landan, but things happen differently & life isn't the same as it was with Landan.

Just a way for someone bereaved to look at something. It made sense to me.

"I know who you are!"

2009-03-04T01:59:00.003-05:00

I finally got that feeling from Layne the other night as we looked at a picture of his big brother, Landan!

Layne was playing in his jumperoo the other night & noticed he was starting to get sleepy. I wanted to cuddle him for awhile so I picked him up & we walked around the apartment. We went into Landan's room & looked at the Spongebob posters on the wall. Then we walked into the hallway & I flicked on the light so we could look at Landan's pictures there. I we stood infront of one of Landan's 3yr pictures ... Landan got a sweet ole smile on his face. I said "That's your big brother Landan!. You know who he is don't you!" It was the sweetest thing.

We actually looked at the picture again tonight & Layne smiled again. It makes me heart smile with him.

Here is the picture he smiles at.

Good rule of thumb!

2009-03-04T01:55:00.003-05:00

"When you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all."

I follow that rule of thumb alot to keep myself out of trouble! Sometimes the urge to say something gets to me. But just tonight. I felt almost compelled to speak up on an issue I thought was silly. BUT ... low & behold I was able to conquer that urge & probably keep myself out of the unevitable trouble I would have found myself in lol.

Dear Mrs. Assembly

2009-02-26T15:35:00.008-05:00

Dear Mrs. Assembly,

Sometimes I feel like when I give my opinion on something that it falls on deaf ears & eyes. I've been through something too. Dare I say something worse, actually. Loathe me for saying that if you must but I've lost a child, yours is still here & doing well! But yet no one seems to take that into consideration. I guess it's because you haven't known me as long. Sometimes it makes me not even want to be involved in conversation, if my opinion isn't going to be noticed why do I waste my breathe? Of course I over react and think that you just don't really care that I lost a child. I don't want everyone to "bow" down to me because of the fact. But it really pisses me off that I take the time to share a bit of MY opinion & it's just over looked. But when you share yours you get flowers thrown at your feet.

I think I must be invisible.

Sincerely, Mrs. Invisible Opinion

P.S. My feelings are very hurt & I'm bitter.

So exciting!

2009-02-25T04:23:00.004-05:00

I can't believe I forgot to post this here actually. Even if my blog doesn't have a trail of steady followers I still get people trickling in from here or their.

ON TO THE AWESOME PART!
Our story is on a NATIONAL Meningitis awareness site. I'm very excited to be a part of the "M.O.M.s" program with the National Meningitis Association. It's an honor really! I have plans for an awareness project this fall.

Here is the link, please educate yourself by reading some of our story - http://www.nmaus.org/awareness/ohio.htm

You can ready our story in full by click the link over to the right & go to Landan's Memory-Of.

Music can be so unique

2009-02-25T04:09:00.006-05:00

... to each individual! It really is a neat thing that two different people can read the lyrics from one song two totally different ways!

Anyway that was just a thought above, I'm not really going to elaborate on it, just think it's really interesting! lol

I'm sitting here right now listening to the playlist on my Myspace page. Which includes:

Angels on the Moon - Thriving Ivory
Sober - Pink
I Will Be - Leona Lewis & Avril Lavigne
Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down
When I'm Gone - 3 Doors Down
Hang - Matchbox 20

If your bored you should head over to my page & listen to them. I take something from each of them. You might take something different from them though. That's the beauty of music!

For example, I'll break down part of "Sober" by Pink that means something to me.

"When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryna find a fit "

To me, this does a good job of symbolizing the time in my life after Landan passed away. Life was good, perfect - until everything went to hell & my life came crashing down. I'm still trying to find the "Lacey" that everyone used to know, Landan took some of that with him. So you get where I'm going. If you feel like it - tell me what those lyrics mean to you!

On a side note, if I could have anything singing voice in the world, it would be Pink's. Gosh she's so talented!

This this was such a random post - Enjoy this random graphic by me too! lol

Wonder what he sees?

2009-02-25T03:50:00.007-05:00

I obviously can't help but wonder if Layne sees Landan. I know that it's said, children are more susceptible to seeing angels & spirits. As adults, we've been told it's "abnormal" to see those sorts of things which is a big contributing factor as to why everyone can't see our passed loved ones.

Anyhoo, Layne LOVES his Jumperoo (check it out!) my mom was laughing at him the other day because he really has a blast bouncing & kicking his legs around! He's recently learned to swivle the seat around to look in his big brother's curio that is next to the jumper. It's really sweet, here's a picture actually (don't mind the clutter!) Well tonight Layne turned himself around to look at the curio & he was really just bouncing around, smiling & was SO SO excited! Normally he's not laughing when he's in their unless mommy or daddy is interacting with him to make him laugh.

So I don't know, take from that what you will. I think he sees angels :)

I don't accept it

2009-02-03T06:03:00.003-05:00

It can't be real, how can it be that such a sweet, precious boy not be here with his family? I can't wrap my head around this. I want him back! I miss him so much, I hate living without him. Please don't think I'm a horrible mom because I miss him so much. I really am greatful that Layne is in our lives now. His sweet little face brings happiness to me again - But their is always a piece of my heart missing, Landan took that piece to Heaven with him when he passed away. I really can't believe this is the life that I have to live now. I'm positive I've said that a million times now! I know he's gone - But I don't want to believe it. You'd think, after two years, it would be easier to understand. But understanding why children die will never happen. Atleast not while I'm on earth. I look forward to the day when I get to Heaven so I can wrap my arms around my precious little angel!

You know being a parent that has lost a child, alot of things change. At the age of 21yrs I became a bereaved parent & the owner of my own burial plot. I can't believe it. My husband & I have burial plots right next to Landan ... ALREADY! Landan's dad also has one on the other side of Landan & my mom & stepdad are behind Landan.

I could say all day on here that I miss Landan ... I miss him, I MISS him ... I MISS HIM!

Dear God - I've never asked for money, or fame. Can you please rewind time & give me my bebe back? I miss him more than anything & the hole in my heart hurt's so much. I promise to be the best mother & wife I can be. Maybe if you won't let him come back - Could I talk to him on the phone? Or maybe I could come visit him on holidays? I know that even if I could do those things, it would still be too hard to bear that he's not with us daily. I feel so lost without him. He's my soulmate! I need him in my life. As you know, Landan is a big brother now! It pains me that he's not here to physically play the big brother role. I feel like Layne is missing out on knowing such an amazing person! But I know I will tell Layne all about his big brother & what an amazing person he is. Landan is our little, brave hero. If I can't see him, please God - Give him all my love, kisses & hugs. My arms ache without him in them. I miss you so much bebe. I YUV YOU!

Angels On The Moon

2009-02-02T03:38:00.002-05:00

I've been in love with this song since I first heard it. It's by a band called Thriving Ivory I recently made a siggy inspired by the song for a siggy challange on JustMommies.

Do you dream, that the world will know your name
So tell me your name
And do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Do you believe, in the day that you were born
Tell me do you believe?
Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to, when no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know, No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

When you've been ...

2009-01-24T16:35:00.003-05:00

thought a loss, ever other little event can seem so scary & tramatic!

All the time I worry about losing someone else that is important to me. My brain & eyes play tricks on me as well. It's no way to live that's for sure.

Last night Andy was eating pizza & I asked him a question while he was chewing. He started choaking on his food. He walked into the kitchen where I was & was gagging like he was going to throw up. He was then leaning over the sink gasping for air, I instinctively pounded my fist on his back because I thought he was choking ... his face had started to turn purple. He could breath out, but couldn't breath in. He finally got himself calmed down & was able to breath. Ugh it was scary. I always think ahead in a situation ... I pictured myself having to attempt the heimlich maneuver on him & then calling 911. But he had a better outlook on it than I did afterwards lol I told him that at one point his face had started to turn purple and he says "You should have videotaped that" ... NOT funny Andy! (lol)

Another time I was sitting here in my living room, on the couch about 5ft from Layne sleeping in his swing. My eyes must have played tricks on me because I looked over at him & he looked so peaceful ... TOO peaceful if you get where I'm going. My heart started to race & I slowly went over to the swing. I stood their kind of paralyzed wondering if this was really happening. I finally felt some reliefe after I heard him breathing.

I'm not psycho ... just damaged. I think I have PTSD to be honest.

Time is my enemy

2009-01-23T03:41:00.003-05:00

How is it that time has the ability to fly by so quickly, yet some events feel like the happened yesterday? I feel like it's been forever since I've held Landan in my arms, yet it seems like it was just yesterday that he passed away. I hate that. Once November 16th passes us by this year, Landan will have been gone longer than he was alive. It doesn't make sense. It feels like the time I spent with him was an eternity ... but the time without him has flown by.

I've probably said this a million times, but I still have acceptance issues with Landan's death. I don't know, maybe "acceptance" isn't the right word. I've accepted that he's gone ... but I still can't believe it. I can't believe that this is my life, a life as a bereaved mother who's always missing her precious first born son. I don't even think I could describe the pain even if I tried. It always broke my heart to read about the death of a child. I'd shed tears of sadness for the child's parents. Now people do that because of us. Wow ... Unbelievable. I can't believe that I've gone through such a tramatic event at such a young age.

I miss you bebe - More than anything I've ever missed before. Anytime, before you died, when I thought life was bad ... WHAT A JOKE! This is bad, now I can say with 100% truth that - Life is not fair! I realize that one day I'll have answers as to why you had to die. But I don't even think I'll have to ask when I get to Heaven, I think I'll just suddenly know the answers. I would give anything to see you interacting with your brother, Layne. I'm sure that you've already played with him - but I've been cheated out of seeing that. I show Layne your pictires, talk about how beautiful you are. Layne even has a Build-A-Bear with your beautiful singing voice on it. Mama has one of those too! I can't wait for Layne to pick up your pictures & know who you are, I can't wait to see finger prints on the glass of your curio because Layne want's to look at his big brothers things. We'll never forget you - I'd never, ever want to! How could anyone forget about their soul mate?

Under Construction

2009-01-22T22:17:00.002-05:00

New look & feel coming soon.

Updates

2008-12-17T13:47:00.001-05:00

Why am I so bad at keeping this thing updated? Maybe it's because I'm addicted to MySpace & spend my time posting everything their! Ahh lol

For updates: myspace.com/mommalacey

I have an amazing hubby!

2008-08-23T03:03:00.001-04:00

Taken from Myspace blog: August 7, 2008

I don't really talk too much about Andy sometimes, or how lucky I am to have the amazing hubby that I do.

We've had our share of hard times, thats no understatement. I'm sure he struggled after Landan passed away because for awhile I grew farther & farther away from him. Our fighting got really bad for awhile, and the cruel things I said to protect my own emotions got meaner & meaner. But even through that all he never stopped loving or supporting me when I needed him the most.

As most of you know, I've struggled with anxiety for almost a year now. It started as the anniversary of Landans death got closer & closer. I was terrified that I was dying & scared of dying (I still am.) I cried & begged Andy to take me to the ER because I thought I was going to have a heart attack. They did an EKG, and everything was fine. I struggled with all the asspects of anxiety. I couldn't eat, couldn't keep anything down, I kept throwing up, had horrible acid reflux & heartburn, heart papaltations, shortness of breath, hot flashes, etc. I went to the my regular doctor two days in a row. I just couldn't get a grip. My doctor assured me that I was fine, perfectly healthy & nothing was wrong with my heart. He told me (in not so many words) that I needed to get a grip because he didn't want to have to see me hospitalized. He told me that I would lose all control over my life if that happend. They'd force me to eat & take medications to control my anxiety. I didn't want that to happen either! Thinking about that helped me control things a little bit. The anxiety got a little easier to manage & started only coming once a month for awhile.

I started going to my moms house at 5am in the morning, even if Andy didn't work, or didn't work until the next afternoon. I associate my moms house as my "comfort zone" their are alot of people here ... My mom, stepdad & two younger sisters. So I did this for awhile, then when my anxiety got better I started staying at the apartment again.

As most of you don't know, only my closest friends know that now I reguarly stay at my moms house. Even if Andy doesn't work the next day, but I'm so used to this I'm having a hard time breaking the habit. I've tried to stay at the apartment with Andy, but I end up feeling very anxious & return to my moms. Andy is so supportive that he's left his comfort zone (our apartment) and has come to stay with my at my moms on MANY, MANY occassions! When I have anxiety I "need" Andy! Andy used to have some anxiety issues when he was younger, although he worried about different things, he understands where I'm coming from and is an easy & understanding person to talk to when I'm feeling anxious. I don't know what I'd do without him! As I type this right now, Andy is sleeping upstairs in my sisters room (she's at a friends house) because I was having some anxiety & needed him here. Even though he has to work at 7am, and has been asleep for many hours it helps to know that he is here if I need him.

I'm very glad that we've become closer & stronger as a couple. I know Landan wouldn't have wanted us to divorce because of his death. Andy loved Landan as his own son & Landan loved Andy as his "E"! We are a family, & always will be. Andy tells me all the time that he loves his family, and his family is - Me, Landan & Layne. He loves his wife & his boys so much! He's a big teddy bear & such a sweet man. I know he'll be very touched to read this, because it isn't often that I confess my love to him! He knows I love him though, I just have a hard time being "emotional" and sharing that side of me.

Anyways, I've literally gone on & on about this! But I just thought I'd share with everyone how much I love my hubby!

-Lacey-

Preschool

2008-08-23T03:02:00.001-04:00

Taken from Myspace blog: August 5, 2008

Well it's August already. Landan is almost 5yrs old! Gosh, such a big boy. I wonder who he'd be today, the same amazing, happy little boy I'm sure! Landan was so smart & advanced I'm sure he would have been attending preschool this year. I would have been shopping for the perfect bookbag & school supplies, getting new clothes for school, and sending my big boy off into the world for the first time! I can't help but to think of all the things I'll be missing out on with Landan, but all that started the day he passed away. All the little homework projects, papers graded with smily face stickers, and the crafts that he would have been bringing home to display so proudly! How can the world be so cruel? Ugh I miss him so much!

Sometimes I wonder ...

2008-08-23T02:56:00.002-04:00

Taken from Myspace blog: July 18, 2008

If anyone that came into contact with Landan during the time he was sick remembers him. Like today, I was behind a Rossford ambulance. I wonder how they felt after they found out that Landan passed away. We're they just scare because they were worried that they would get sick, or were they sad that this precious little guy hadn't survived? I wonder the same thing about the nurses & dr that took care of Landan. I DO know that nurses remember treating him, or remember him being in the hospital.

We went to a rememberance service that was put on by the hospital about a year after Landan passed away. I talked to a few of the different nurses & they remembered seeing him. One nurse in particular, I think she was the head nurse of the PICU was their. She was the one who promised me that after we left, she would stay with Landan so he didn't have to be alone downstairs. I know I've said before how touching that was, and how much that ment to me. I collected the courage to speak with her when I saw her that day. I told her I wasn't sure if she remembered me & Landan, and she told me that yes she did. I told her that I just wanted to let her know how much it ment to me that she offered to stay with Landan after we left, and that I would never forget that. I think she was touched. It made me feel so much better to let her know my appreciation.

As a lesson ... If someone touches your life, make sure you let them know. I'm sure they will never forget the things you have to say to them.

UPDATE: August 23, 2008
Earlier this week my mom shared something with me. My mom works in a Rite Aid pharmacy. One of her customers is also the mother of one of the paramedics that came to our home the day I called 911. She told my mom that her son & the rest of the paramedics were saddened to learn of Landans passing & were/are still affected by that. I imagine they were saddened to learn that such a young, beautiful & precious little boy passed away. I told my mom to thank her for sharing that information as it has answered one of the many questions I have.

The problem with YouTube

2008-02-05T18:34:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9yAkBSrMk0

How cute is this video? Yet we still have sick people posting comments like these about this adorable little boy.

CSEKTION (8 hours ago)
If that was my kid, I'd tape a? plastic bag over his head and step on his belly.

CSEKTION (5 hours ago)
kid should choke on his own buhlud and duh-ie

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The stupid & pathetic things that come out of peoples mouths sometimes NEVER ceases to amaze me! I mean honestly ... wtf is wrong with the person that posted those things? And the sad part about it is ... who knows if he'll ever answer to those things. I hope so.

Im sorry but I think YouTube needs to crack down a little bit. It's not just this video, but I swear on just about every video someone has to post a stupid & hurtful comment. Some worse than others obviously! Just about the only way to avoid comments is by now allowing them. YouTube doesn't even have a place where you can report one of their users. If you know how I can do that, please let me know, because I haven't figured it out as of this point! You can report someones video, but thats the only thing I've found recently. I like YouTube & I'll continue to post my videos their, because it's the easiest place to do so, just think they need to be cracking down on the comments people leave & be deleting users for the shit they say!

Landans Medical Records (taken from myspace)

2008-02-05T18:32:00.000-05:00

October 26, 2007

I went and got Landans medical records today ... here is the ER Dr.s notes.
"This is a 3-year-old male who presented to our ER from Rossford. We really did not get any call prior to the patient coming in. When this patient arrived the nurse went in to get report from the ambulance from Rossford. She was talking to them and she turned around and looked at the child, saw that the child looked very significantly ill, immediatly came and got me and another nurse. We walked into the room, assesed the patient. Concern initially was with the patient's appearance, again, he did look very sick. He looked like he was in shock, a rash that was consistant with meningococcal type of rash. We immediatly tried for IC access, but the patient appeared to be in signs of shock and we were unable to get an IV.
I contacted the peds hospitalist. The message was conveyed though another nurse about our concerns about this patient being very ill and they told us to bring the child up to the pediatric intensive care unit, and he was taken up there.
The total time that we were with the patient in the ER was approximately 15 minutes from the time he got here to when he went upstairs.
Mom states that the child has no past history of any health problems, he has no allergies. She gave him some atipyretics for a fever that he had yesterday and he maybe had a little bit of some fever and not feeling well yesterday, but nothing else significantly abnormal that she reported. He has not been around any sick contacts, doesn't go to day care. The child was feeling ill. She states that he slept with her last night. She saw him early in the morning, he didn't seem to be abnormal early this morning, but when she woke up he was on the floor. She called the ambulance. When they got here, they picked him up and brought him into the emergency department.
When you look at him he is tachycardiac. He is very pale, cold skin. We did a rectal temp which was 38 *C. He had had diarrhea. There was stool all over his extremities. It also looked like maybe he had had some emesis. He had a purple rash on the skin noted. It did not blanch. A purple rash noted on his face, his ears, his chest, back, arms, and legs. Again, just extensively, very ill appearing child. Very cold extremities, poor capillary refill. Again, with this we attempted a couple IV attempts. I put him on some nonrebreather for support and immediately took him upstairs to the pediatric intensive care unit.
It was noted the child did have a little bit of a cry, very weak, and when you would examine him, touch him, or roll him he did act like he was just in pain from this. Care at this point in time was turned over to Dr. Pierre Vaulthy, pediatric intensive. I did notify the physician on call for Dr. _________ about the patient's critical condition.
PROVISIONAL DIAGNOSIS: Illness, rash, rule out meningococcemia
Jessica L. Wilson, M.D."

From the PICU Dr that took care of Landan
"The patient is a three-year-old child who was well until the day before admission when the patient developed what appeared to be an upper respiratory infection, followed and being very tired and lethargic. The patient went to bed and slept by the mother's side overnight. At 6:00 in the morning on 11/15/06, the patient had a bottle of juice and subsequently three hours later, the mother woke him up and found him to have a rash all over his body. She brought the patient immediatly to the Emergency Room at Toledo Hospital and was transferred immediately by the Emergency Room physician to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit where on arrival the patient is noted to have a hemorrhagic rash throughout his skin. The patient has had perfusion of the extremities. The patient is awake, but somewhat moribund. The patient immediately had IV's inserted, blood culture was obtained and immediately thereafter the patient was given IV Claforan and IV steroids. The patient was then subsequently intubated and a subclavian line was inserted into the left subclavian vein. The patient was noted to have significant hypotension and was placed initially on Dopamine followed by Epinephrine drip followed by _________ drip and then the Dopamine was discontinued. The patient initially had no urine output, but developed some urine output after starting Lasix and using pressors.
PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Really noncontributory. The patient has not had any previous significant illnesses. No hospitalizations. No known allergies. The patient is followed by Dr. John Dvorak in his office.
FAMILY HISTORY: His father has hemophilia A.
REVIEW OF SYSTEMS: Essentially normal for him other than most recently developed an upper respiratory infection without a cough, a rash on his skin. Cardiac, neuromuscular, skeletal, edocrine, reproductive were all within normal limits.
PHSYICAL EXAMINATION:VITAL SIGNS: On admission the patient has a temperature of 38.1 degrees C, pulse of 174, respiratory rate of 35, blood pressure of 75/23, weight of approximately 18kg, height of 97 centimeter.
HEENT: Pupils equal, reactive to light and accomodate. There is a range of motion. Ala are patent. Tympanic membranes are within normal limits. Oropharynx is dusky as are the lips and mucous membrane. Trachea midline.
CHEST: Clear to auscultation and percussion. No retractions.
COR: Normal sinus rhythm. S1 is equal to S2. Pulses are peripherally very weak.
ABDOMEN: Flat abdomen without organomegaly.
GENITOURINARY: Normal male genitalia.
INTEGUMENT: Hemorrhagic rash throughout the body with distal peripheral cyanosis.
NEUROLOGIC: The patient is moribund and responds only to pain.
IMPRESSION: Meningococcemia sepsis
The patient's condition is critical
Pierre A. Vaulthy, M.D."

And this is kind of the whole overview of the time Landan was in the PICU
"HOSPITAL COURSE: The patient is a 3-year-old white male who is transferred from the emergency room immediately upon arrival to the emergency room with obvious meningococcemia sepsis. The patient arrived in a Peds ICU provided with immediate IV access given steroids and IV antibiotics. The patient then was intubated. A central line was inserted. The patient continued to develop significan hypotension with vasopressors. The patient was placed on milrinone after failure with epinephrine. The patient during the night was stable including awakening during treatment of his severe peripheral cyanosis and lack of perfusion utilizing hyperbaric therapy. The patient was able to recieve 2 tretments without incident in the morning. At 0630, the patient was developing increasing difficulty with keeping his pressure up. He had excellent blood gases but was metabolically acidotic. The highest blood pressure obtainable despite being on epinephrine and milrinone was approximately 30/5. Boluses of fluid were unsuccessful in maintaining the pressure head. Despite maximum support, the patients heart stopped. CPR was not successful. The patients eyes were fixed and dilated and the patient was declared dead at 8:15 a.m.
CAUSE OF DEATH: Gram-negative sepsis due to meningococcemia. The immediate contacts of the family have been provided with appropriate ciprofloxacin therapy. Anyone other than the immediate family was told to see their primary care physicians for prophylaxis with ciprogfloxacin. The primary care physician was notified of the death and we sat down with the family after the patient passed away.
Pierre A. Vaulthy, M.D."

So if you made it this far .... thank you for doing so. Everything hasn't hit me yet, but boy is it hard to read (even type) the things I have thus far. I wish this was all untrue & Landan was still here. I still have blame for not getting him to the hospital sooner, he might still be here.
-Lacey-

A year ago 11/16/06 (taken from myspace)

2008-02-05T18:31:00.002-05:00

A heart of gold stopped beating.Two willing hands at rest.God broke our hearts to prove to us.He only takes the best.
I think that poem sums up alot. Landan went into cardiac arrest with us outside his room & was pronounced dead at 8:15am. I remember like it was yesterday. I stood their thinking he's going to be fine! They will start his heart and he'll be ok! I had my hand over my mouth just waiting for his heart to start again, just in disbelief of the events unfolding right infront of my eyes. My mom was in more hystarics than I was because I was just in complete shock. She begged the nurse to tell him that his family was here, she didn't want him to think he was alone. Looking back ... I think he was gone before we could realize it. How do things like this happen? And why? I ask those questions daily, even though I know I wont recieve the answer until I myself, walk through the gates of Heaven.
A year ago today, the people left at the hospital were: Shane & Michelle, Andys mom, my mom & step dad ... at 6:30am when Landans BP was unstable I called my Dad & stepmom at the hotel and told them they needed to come back, he wasn't doing good.
When Landans heart stopped the people that were right their outside his doors were Landans dad, my dad & step mom, and stepdad. My mom had went down the hall to the waiting room and I'd stepped outside the PICU doors to call my friend and let her know that his BP was rising again. Thats when my step mom came running out and said I needed to get back in their and she ran down the hall to get my mom .... Is I quickly walked back in I asked my dad what was going on, and he told me Landans heart had stopped and they were doing chest compressions. My mom was on the phone with her friend and said she had to go, Landans heart stopped. I think her friend started crying instantly.
After the dr took us in the room next to Landan and told us he was gone ... we walked into his room. The nurse was gently removing all his IV's & tubes, and asked if we wanted to hold him. Soon after that a rocking chair was brought into is room, Landan was wrapped up in baby blankets and handed gently into my arms. I softly rocked my baby back & forth, still not realizing what was going on! My mom told me I didn't cry until I looked up to her and said "Mom, I dont want to go home without him" God is that true. Andy called my friend Kristin with the devistating news and she came right away, I could already tell she'd been crying on the drive. My step dad went and picked up my two sisters from school, Im pretty sure they started crying immediately when they saw my step dads face, because they just knew Landan was gone.
I dont remember the order of people who held Landan that day, but they were, me, my mom, Andy, my bf Kristin, my dad, my sister Lakin, Rob, his sisters, his mom & dad. So many people were in and out of the room during the 5hrs we had with him. And I held him numerous times. As I said, I remember these few days like they happend yesterday.
One special nurse sticks out of my head, because she left me with peace when I had to leave the hospital ... peace that, even though Landan was already gone, she would still take care of him for me. She assured me that she would stay with Landan until the funeral home came to pick him up, so he wouldn't just be alone somewhere in the basement! God, what a kind thing to do for me, and I will never forget that!
I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my broken heart for the love & thoughtfullness you've shown me today & in the days approaching Landans angelversary. Im lucky to have wonderful friends like yourselves because I know some dont have that luxury.
-Landans Mama until forever, Lacey-

A year ago 11/15/05 (taken from myspace)

2008-02-05T18:31:00.001-05:00

A year ago today my nightmare began. I woke up at 9am to find Landan on the floor. Im SO angry sometimes I had to go through that morning alone. Waking up and having that panic run through my body instantly! Landan looked like he was already gone. I remember thinking frantically in my head "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" After a few brief seconds I was finally able to see he was still hanging in their! Called 911 ... off to the hospital ...
A year ago today Landan was bravely fighting a deadly bacteria that was too powerful for him to fight against. A friend once said, "he was fighting a battle he couldn't win" but still fought anyway! Im so proud of him for the fight he put up!
So a year ago today we were surrounded by dear family & friends at the hospital. I would like to tell you about the amazing support we had during that time. My best friend Kristin was the first person I called, she left work immediately to come for support, my dad and step mom drove up from 4hrs away, Andys friend Shane & his wife Michelle drove up from 4hrs away, Andys mom drove over from 2hrs away, a few of my moms friends came right over when they heard Landan was in the hospital, my stepdad left work & picked up my younger sisters, and Landans Godparents & their family came that night.
Time went by so quickly a year ago today, I can't pin point exactly what was going on at this moment. Later tonight Landan was given the Anointing of the Sick by a priest from our church, and given his first hyper baric chamber treatment at around 7pm.
Im still anxiety filled today. My stomach is already upset & in knots. I've eaten a little but I need to relax myself so Im able to settle my stomach and eat more! I feel like I have to keep reminding myself DEEP BREATHS LACEY! One foot infront of the other. I just need to CHILL! I know I have every right to be upset, but the stomach ache is just ridiculous! And I know that! Like I said, I KNOW nothing is wrong with me, but with anxiety it's like your head is playing games. Kind of like ... one min it pokes you on the shoulder, then the stomach, then your back ... so it's ALL over the place lol. Last night my back hurt and I was worrying about it ... but SO WHAT! When Im NOT having anxiety and my back hurts I dont get all worked up about it! lol Please pray for me & give me the strength to get over this anxiety shit for a few days so I can focus on beautiful memories of Landan.
Thank you to everyone that has been their for me this past year! Whether it's my friends here, or friends online!

A year ago 11/14/07 (taken from myspace)

2008-02-05T18:30:00.001-05:00

A year ago to day my earthly angel was a happy healthy little boy. Well I can't with a 100% say healthy because statistics would tell me that Landan was already infected with the deadly bacteria that took his life. But Landan was completely normal until he woke up early from his nap. I wont repeat his story, because weather your a personal friend, or online friend I assume you've already read it. I thank everyone that that got love Landan, and I thank everyone online that has let Landan into your heart. I doubt I could have made it through this year without you all! The kindness that is shown to me, never ceases to amaze me! You are all a role model to me, you give me a mold to use when someone else is in need!
Im so afraid that people will assume my "greiving period" is over because of the one year mark. But in all honesty ... it has JUST begun. I've YET to come out of the shock phase. I STILL believe Landan is coming back! I have no idea how Im going to make it through the rest of my life without him. He was the center of everyones lives, the apple of our eye! He was spoiled with love, accepted it all, and gave us back just as much love! I can never fully get across what an amazing child I had. I really did have an angel since he was born!
Please forgive me if I skip around from emotion to emotion. Im so damn scatterbrained now-a-days. I've been having anxiety for the past few days. But Thank God that it hasn't been as bad as last time! This time it's just been - my stomach in knots because of worrying, sometimes with a racing heart beat, and things like that. But still (as many know who've had anxiety) you get that overwhelming fear that something serious is wrong, or your near death. My mom thinks that Im questioning my own life, because if Landan can die at 3yrs, then maybe I dont feel as safe anymore. I mean it's not like I didn't know before that children & young adults die everyday. But never have I experienced one so close to me, and so precious to me.
Well Im going to end this here, Im sure their will be more blogs during this time where Im still trying to make sense of everything.
-Lacey-

I'm back

2008-02-03T22:32:00.000-05:00

Just a short entry right now ... thanks to Jocelyn & Melissa, I've decided to start blogging on here again! You can check out their blogs on the left in the sidebar.

Right now Im busy customizing my blog so I can get it the way I like. :)

-Lacey, Mama to Angel Landan-

Another bereaved parents wish list.

2007-01-15T08:33:00.000-05:00

1. I wish my baby hadn't died. I wish I had him back.

2. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my baby's name. My baby lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also.

3. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my baby, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My baby's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my baby, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my baby, my favorite topic of the day.

6. I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my baby's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.

7. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my baby until the day I die.

8. I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my baby, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

9. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy." Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party," but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say, "I'm doing okay, " I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So, please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advise to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly it is not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.

16. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my baby died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my baby died, and will never be that person again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand-understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray that you will never understand.

Time flys ... but I'm not having fun.

2007-01-13T06:04:00.000-05:00

It's coming up on 2mos that Landan has been gone. I still can't believe it's been that long. It almost pisses me off that time has gone by so fast. When he was here it seemed like we had all the time in the world ... the days seemed so long & weeks went by so slowly. Now that he's gone I can't believe how fast time has gone. As I said -- that makes me made. I was talking with my husband the other night & this is how I feel right now about God ... "I might be able to accept him back into my life at some point, but I will never forgive him." Because you know what ... Jesus used to save people from illness, make blind people see, disabled people walk ... and he couldn't have come down off his high horse & save my son?? Just makes me so mad. Errr. I don't want to anyone down I'm still just so mad at God & Jesus ... my son was an angel on earth, they didn't need him in heaven.

I want Landan back! I prayed soooooo hard at the hospital when he was sick, and we had SO many people praying for him ... I'm sure well around 100 people. And what for? It didn't do a damn bit of good so why should I ever want to pray to God again? I mean whats the point? I guess he wasn't listing that night. Well I'm sorry I didn't know God could just ignore people or just check out for that night. I didn't think it worked that way? I thought God was supposed to be here for us? Listen to us 24/7? Like I said I wasn't asking for material things ... I never did ... I just asked that my son be safe ... well my prayers when unaswered & now I have to suffer the rest of MY life. Landan & I didn't do anything wrong, yet we've been punished. Man I hope there is a heaven, because if I found out there wasn't I wouldn't want to be here any longer. ((sigh))

Well ... I guess I'm done venting for now I feel a headache coming on, ugh!

Welcome

2007-01-06T04:42:00.000-05:00

Just posting a quick welcome to those who view my blog. I recently placed the link to this website on Landans memory-of memorial page so expect some visitors. The way this journal works is you start at the bottom of this page & scroll up. So my very first blog is at the bottom & newst blog is at the top.

Thanks for your interest in reading, I open my heart, soul & mind in here so please be kind.

Love, Landans Mama

The Broken Chain

2007-01-06T00:22:00.001-05:00

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
the Chain will link again.

I think this poem really connects with me. Landan passed away at 8:15am 11/16/06 -- such a horrible day. The only peaceful thing is I know I'll see my little boy one day. As I've said many times, I just wish I knew how much longer I was going to suffer here without him.

I really don't know whats been going on with me latly -- I'm just so distant & depressed alot. I just wish this wasn't the life that I have to live, I don't want to live without Landan. But I know I have no choice. Killing myself isnt the answer -- but I can say I'm not afraid of death anymore.

Another thing I was thinking about -- how to I describe (should someone ask) what it's like to have held my 3yr old angel in my arms after he passed. I do know it was a surreal feeling, I couldn't believe I was really doing this. Even watching the pain in everyone elses face that held him that day. It was so hard to watch. I was the first & last one to hold him -- I wouldn't have had it anyother way. But laying my son, my baby, my only child down on the hospital bed was so hard. I didn't want to leave him. I can't believe I saw him like that. Landan was perfect, so handsome & beautiful. People often said "he's too beautiful to be a boy" My son was so handsome, everyone thought that. He was still beautiful to me after he was gone, still my "bebe", and still my little special angel.

About holding Landan -- the wrapped him up in blankets & handed him to me. I was sitting in a rocking chair they'd brought in. They handed him to me & I just sat, cried & rocked my baby boy. I rememberd in my head at times when he was still alive I would hold him like a baby & say "awww my little bebe" & he would giggle. A smile & giggle I will never hear again.

I'm honestly lost without Landan. I sit here and I'm angry at writing this. I shouldn't be sitting here in this postition writting about losing Landan. I should be blogging about his christmas, or birthday. What am I going to do on mothers day? my birthday? easter? the 4th of july? and his birthday? ((Cries)) Life is cruel & I'm mad at God for taking Landan. He was too beautiful to be an angel . . . God only takes the best you say? Well there are alot of other good people in this world that have lived life. Landan hadn't dammit! His life was stolen from him! He had a beautiful future ahead of him -- I'll never get to watch his first day of school, see him play sports, watch him grow up, graduate high school or college, become a man, have a girlfriend, get married, or have kids. Cruel, cruel world.

I wish I knew what to do to honor my sons memory. His precious memory. I feel like everyone has moved on except me . . . I want to talk about Landan all the time, why dont you? Ask me about Landan -- I still love him. Like the books say -- if I cry when you talk about Landan it's because I'm so happy he was apart of my life.

((Sigh)) I guess I'm done with my venting for the night . . .

What Grieving People Want You to Know

2006-12-20T04:37:00.000-05:00

**I was sent this by a friend & I LOVE it! I think it hits the nail on the head 100%.**

What Grieving People Want You to Know
By Virginia A. Simpson, Ph.D

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

5. Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

Bring food.

Offer to take my children to a movie or game so that I have some moments to myself.
Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of the death, and be sure and mention her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up, then I really will be alone.

6. Try to understand that this is like I'm in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I'm not sure right now I could understand what it was saying. I'm lost and in a fog. I'm confused.

7. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

8. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here no matter what they were doing.

9. Please don't tell me I can have other children or need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after, will always be someone different.

10. I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

Days are long

2006-12-20T04:24:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure exacly who wrote this little poem . . . but it's true.

"A Child that loses a parent is an orphan,
A Man who loses his wife is a widower,
A Woman who loses her husband is a widow,
There is no name for a parent that loses a child,
For there is no word to describe the pain."

Wow isn't that the truth!! I can't even describe the pain & I'm living the life of a bereaved parent. Recently I've been feeling pissed off . . . this isn't the life I want to live, I don't want to live here without Landan. I don't know how I'm going to do it! Sometimes I think how lucky my mom is because she's in her 40's . . . my parents/step parents will get to Landan before me! I'm so jelouse! Seriously . . . I'm not going to try to kill myself or anything, I'm to chicken . . . but sometimes I wonder how quickly it would all be over if I just sharply turn the wheel when I'm driving. I loooooong for Landan something awful! He is my entire world! Now it's broken into a million pieces & I only want to put it back together if I could have Landan back.

I find myself feeling anxious alot . . . I was eating some ice cream earlier & had to stop . . . because I miss seeing Landan eat ice cream. I even miss seeing his little tiny butt when he would run around naked, hehe. Gosh . . . you can never imagian all the things a parent takes for granted. I mean I was scared during my pregnancy ya know, people have miscarriages all the time. I guess you just sort of assume that once your baby is here & healthy that you have nothing to worry about. I know I felt that way.

I can't even begin to describe the feeling of being in the hospital watching the Dr. give your precious little boy chest compressions . . . In my head I was saying "Fight Landan, please, come on start . . ." I was just waiting for his heart to start beating again. I never thought it would end like this. Then the Dr taking us into the next room & my mom said "Is he gone?" and the Dr shook his head yes & told us that his pupils were fixed & dialated, and that there was no more brain function. I still didn't cry at this point . . . I never could have imagianed this, I was in total shock.

It wasn't until I held my beautiful, but lifeless little boy that I was able to cry & accept the reality (In a way.) Holding Landan after he was gone is still another thing I can't explain. The nurse brought in a rocking chair & covered him up in blankets & he was handed to me. Oh God it was . . . gut renching, heartbreaking & devestating. My little boy whom I would still at age 3 watch him breath at night & feel his heart beat. I still right NOW can't believe he's gone. I just sat, touched his precious face & rocked & rocked & rocked. It was like he was sleeping, so beautiful as always.

Pictures last a lifetime

2006-12-18T04:35:00.001-05:00

As I sit here looking though all the pictures on our laptop the question that comes to mind is "it's crazy Landan is here . . . I'll never see him again, but his pictures are still here. They haven't disappeared." I smile as I look through the pictures of sweet little Landan, but it breaks my heart more because I'll never have anymore happy times with Landan. I love him so much. I don't know how I'm going to live without him. I long to hold him in my arms, give him hugs & kisses, watch him sleep, or just to sit with him on the couch & watch cartoons. I would give anything to hear his sweet little voice singing "Take My Breath Away" or "Sexy Back" gosh that was so cute. I get anxious at night sometimes when I think about him . . . I just make myself sick over wanting him back. I've only had one anxity attack, I was laying down to go to sleep & I picture myself standing outside the glass watching the dr & nurses try to revive my baby (cries) and I just felt the emotions all over again like I'm feeling now. I can't get that out of my head . . . seeing MY son dying. GOD!!! WHERE ARE YOU??? I just stood there watching & waiting for his heart to start again. I . . . felt like this was not real . . . I'm not standing here watching this . . . my baby has fought so hard this long . . . please Landan fight, fight, fight. Come back!! Landan got his angel wings 11.16.06 at 8:15am. I wish I could have seen how beautiful he must have looked flying into heaven.

I still go through times where I'm mad at God for taking my son. My husband once said to me while trying to give me comfort, "He's with God now, God is taking care of him." I said "NO! I'm sorry, but I can take better care of him than God. Noone can take better care of a child than their own mother." WHY did it HAVE to be Landan? You can still make heaven beautiful & not take children from there mamas.

WOW -- I have to pause to say this . . . my baby just showed me a sign!!! I have his myspace page open & had paused/stopped the music earlier while I was doing something . . . and just a sec ago the music started again. Aerosmiths "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" Oh I hope that was a sign from my angel in heaven. I YUV YOU BEBE!!!

Speaking of missing a thing -- I wish Landan didn't have to miss out on the rest of his life . . . as I've said & will say a million more times . . . if God would have only ASKED if someone wanted to take his place I wouldn't have hesitated . . . God actually would have had to play "eni meni mini mo" because there was a handful of people who would have gladly left this world for him Among those people . . . myself, my husband, landans dad, & landans nana (my mom) . . . so WHY couldn't it have been one of us?? We've lived life. Yea I've only lived 21yrs of my life but the last 3 have been the best & thats because Landan was in my life. I would rather have watched Landan live a long life from heaven than to NEVER see him grow up.

I can imagian though that Landan would have grown up to be a wonderful, handsome man! He was so smart! I mean gesh at age 3 he could show ME how to play a video game! If mama didn't know how to do something Landan would show me "watch mama" he'd say. Somtimes I would just sit & pretend I was watching him play . . . but I'd really be sitting their watching the look on his face . . . you could see the concentration & the gears turning in his head. Wow . . . amazing! Why take a child with such a bright future??

Always, Lacey

Visit Landans Memorial Websites

2006-12-17T05:30:00.000-05:00

I miss you bebe!

Go see Landans memorial video I made : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-q1aIW9szys

Here are some links to thinks about Landan & other informative information.

http://landan-harris.memory-of.com

www.myspace.com/inmemoryoflandan

www.meningitis-angels.org

www.musa.org

Landans Obituary

2006-12-17T05:22:00.000-05:00

Landan Michael Everett Harris
2003-2006

HARRIS Landan Michael Everett Landan Michael Everett Harris, 3 years old, of Rossford, Ohio, died unexpectedly on Thursday, November 16, 2006, at The Toledo Children's Hospital. He was born to Lacey D. Harris-Willoby and Robert E. Alsept on August 17, 2003, at Flower Hospital, Sylvania, Ohio. Landan was a big Sponge Bob fan and was deeply loved by his family and friends. Surviving is his mother, Lacey (Andrew) Harris-Willoby; father, Robert E. Alsept; grandparents, Kim (Mark) Finnegan, Taylor (Beverly) Alsept, Mark (Jan) Harris, Susan (Eric) Whetsel, Jim Willoby; great-grandparents, Robert Bailey, Darlene (Jack) Phillips, Marilyn Harris, Tony (Cheryl) Smith, Tim (Lynn) Harris, Fannie Alsept, Everett Sterrett, and Josefine (Chad) Finnegan; aunts, Carol (Robert) Alsept, Lois Alsept, April (Tom) Fox, Joyce Sterrett, Barb Alsept, Marie Alsept, Lakin and Lexie Finnegan, and Kristin Aparicio; uncles, Taylor Alsept, James Roberts, Ramsey Hommoud, and Antonio Riley; and God parents, Velina and Dorian Johnson. Friends and family will be received from 2:00 to 9:00 p.m. on Monday, November 20, 2006 at the Witzler-Shank Funeral Home, 222 East South Boundary Street, Perrysburg, Ohio (419-874-3133). Funeral Services will be held on Tuesday, November 21, 2006, at 10:00 at the funeral home. Burial will follow at St. Rose Cemetery. Condolences may be made directly to the family by visiting: http://www.witzlershank.com/

Take a peek into my new life

2006-12-17T05:11:00.000-05:00

The new life I'm talking about isn't a fun one filled with joy or anything . . . I'm basically talking about hell. Going home from the hospital seemed so unreal, my best friend drove me . . . I remember saying, this doesn't seem real, I feel like you & I are just hanging out & Landan is home waiting for me. The first night & until now have been the worst I've ever experienced I've become an insomniac.

My daily schedule:
2-3pm ~ I wake up
3pm - 7am ~ I watch tv, researching information about meningitis, perfecting Landans memorial websites, talking to other bereaved parents, etc
7am - 2,3pm ~ SLEEP

So as you can tell my world is upside down/ inside out. It sucks . . . I just can't sleep. Thats when all the thoughts & images of loosing Landan run around crazily inside my head. I'm usually fine during the day because I'm preoccupied by spending time at my moms house, running errands with her, having visits with my closest friends. But it's when my husband is sleeping & I'm forced to be awake by myself that I get upset. For example . . . only a few hours ago it was still December 16th . . . exactly one month since my baby passed away . . . I was crying, looking at pictures of Landan & watching videos of him. I miss him so much! 90% of the time I still can't believe he's gone -- I feel like I'm waiting for him to come back from somewhere.

Always, Lacey

Landans Story

2006-12-17T04:56:00.002-05:00

Landan Michael Everett Harris
8/17/03 - 11/16/06

Landan's Story:

Landan was one of the sweetest little guy I've ever met. The passion in his eyes & the love in his heart was amazing. Watching him figure out how to do things on his own was also amazing to watch, he was so so smart for his age. I miss him so much, I can't even describe the pain. A part of me died with him on 11/16/06. Below his is story that you can also read on his memorial myspace page.

Everything started on tuesday November 14th. Landan was acting crabby so my husband (Landans stepfather) put him down for a nap. He only slept about an hour & was still crabby when he got up. He was touching his throat so I asked if his throat hurt and he said yes. He was still acting crabby and tired so I thought he had a cold, I went out to the store and got him some childrens tylonel and motrin. Landan slept in the living room off and on for the rest of the day until I took him to bed in my room around 9:30-10pm. I gave him more motrin at 2am and he woke up at 3am and asked for more juice, then at 6am I woke up, saw his juice was gone, asked if he wanted more and he said yes so I refilled his cup.

At 9am I woke up to find Landan laying on the floor next to my bed covered in, what looked to me, like bruises. I sat up straight in bed and frantically tried to focus my eyes because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought he was dead, I was so afraid to touch him. I thought he was going to be cold. Once my eyes focused I saw he was breathing, touched him and felt that he was still warm. I ran to the kitchen where my cell phone was plugged in, I yelled Landans name while I was running to the kitchen so he would stay consious. I called my mom and then 911. When the paramedics arrived they checked his vitals but they knew he was sick so took him out to the ambulence. I remember sitting in the ambulence and asked the driver when we were going to leave, it felt like we sat their forever. We took him to the best hospital in the area, Toledo Childrens Hospital. The last thing Landan said to me while we were in the ER before they took him up to the PICU was "Mama hold me" but I couldn't because they needed to get him up to the PICU as soon as they could. I think I said "It's ok bebe." We followed him up, and I remember my mom asking the doctor on the way up if he was going to be ok, and he said something like "... he's a very sick little boy ..." We waited in the waiting room down the hall from the PICU for about an hour. Before the doctor came down they sent a chaplin in to talk to us, my mom knew then that he was really sick. The PICU doctor came in shortly and told us Landan had bacterial meningitis and it was a 90% mortality rate.

We were finally allowed in to see Landan. We had to be in almost full scrubs. We had to wear masks, gloves, everything. His left foot was completely purple, his back, and nose as well. His other extremities were very splotchy purple. All this was cause by something called "DIC" which is where the body bleeds and clots at the same time, because he had septicemia. I remember the nurse told us she asked Landan if he wanted to watch cartoons, and Landan said yes so he watched cartoons, but was very out of it. She told us to tell him to go to sleep, my mom (his nana) said "Go to sleep baby", Landan shook his head and said "no." Those were the last words Landan spoke to us. The priest came from our church to preferm the anointing of the sick. This was the first time I cried, Landans dad, the nurse, priest & I were the only ones in the room at this point. If Landan would have survived he would have had several amputations and most likely plastic surgery for his nose. But selfishly we would have taken him any way we could just to have him here with us.

The PICU doctor told us we needed to consider hyperbaric chamber treatments if Landan had a possibility of surviving.Landan fought for 23hrs at the hospital induring three hyperbaric chamber treatments. It was downstairs for 2hrs in the chamber, upstairs in the PICU for an hour, then back down to the chamber. The treatments were helping to bring back color to the purple areas, because it forces oxygen into the blood and tissues. The PICU doctor said it was a miracle he lasted as long as he did, thats why our hopes here high.

Landans little heart of gold finally couldn't take anymore and he went into cardiac arrest. We watched them doing chest compressions and then the doctor told us he was gone.

It happend so fast. I stepped out of the PICU for a minute to take a phont call & update my friend because his blood pressure had just went back up. My dad & step mom came running out and told me I need to get back into the PICU right away. I asked my dad as we were walking back in what happend and he told me Landans heart had stopped and they were doing chest compressions. Like I said we watched the whole thing, I'll never forget that for the rest of my life. We got to hold Landan for 5hours after he was gone. They finally told us it was time to go, I think they know we would have never left. I dont think anyone is ever ready to say goodbye to their child. Landan died on thursday November 16th.

My baby was laid to rest on tues November 21st, which is exactly a month to the day that he was a ring bearer, and walked me down the aisle in my wedding. I still can't believe his gone I wish I would have taken him to the hospital the night before but I thought he just had a cold. I miss him so much and wish I could still recieve his hugs and kisses.

Written in 2007

Welcome

2006-12-17T04:48:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my online journal. As a bereaved mother I'll be posting here as much as I can to get emotions I have bogged in my head off my chest.

I'm beautiful son Landan, 3 died November 16, 2006 from meningcoccemia -- that is basically meningitis + septicemia -- Landan was born August 17, 2003 a healthy 9lbs 0oz 21in. I miss him soooo terribly! I'm not sure what to do with my life anymore, my heart -- broken.

So in this blog I'll be letting my emotions out when I need to . . . I'll also be giving information about meningitis & you'll hear Landans story.

Here to the right, is a tribute picture I asked someone to make of my angel, Landan.

Always, Lacey